First order of business: Tamra is a "free bitch." Now that she is free, she's looking to making amends for all the bitch. Tamra's throwing a party for all her frenemies. The invitation leaves the rest of the Housewives wondering, "is this a trick?" But they'll worry about that later, for now it's time to worry about handbags.
I don't know if you knew, but this is Gretchen's time. She's not after anyone's money except what's coming to her from her makeup and handbag lines. Oh, excuse me, she's selling a lifestyle
. And Turbo Tax.
Vicki has a new puppy and new hardwood floors. Oh, and her re-committed marriage to Don is "going great." Back to Tamra, who is getting some tattoos removed. Why anyone would ever get someone else's name tattooed on their finger is beyond me, but in a few painful zaps from a laser it won't matter anymore. Tamra got the tattoo because things were falling apart with Simon. Good reason!
Tamra has a tattoo on her lower back that matches on Simon has, and upon hearing that black ink is easier to remove than pink finger ink, she was like, "well what the heck, let's do this one, too." Who is this Dr. Tattoff character? He looks about seventeen, but maybe that's because of his ill-fitting, context-inappropriate suit.
Alexis is down to one nanny, and on Sundays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays, she is down to no nannies. I know we should be used to Alexis by now but the Fundamentalist Christian thing still seems like an elaborate ruse. It still throws me off. Anyway, Alexis can't even go to the bathroom without her kids biting each other. Help her, Jesus! Or Gretchen.
Has Gretchen had some work done? Like on her cheeks? She's looking more like a Miami Housewife this season. Or maybe she was just having a puffy day before her "go-to gay" fixed her up? Gretchen is prepared for Tamra's party like she's going into battle. She's bringing her assistant Shawna for moral support.
Tamra's friend, Fernanda, stops by for a little pre-party and I guess it's very important that we know she's a lesbian. Alexis got a limo for the girls to go to the party in. Alexis loves her friendship with Gretchen, because Gretchen picks on her (they pick on each other, if you ask Alexis). If you use it enough you should know how to say "Amex," though. A-mex my foot!
It's time for Tamra's free bitch shopping party! But if there's anything to learn from a shopping party, it's that nothing is free. Even bitches. Gretchen decided in the limo that she would like to be one, and that she deserves an apology from Tamra. Commence shopping and saying, "love that," ladies! But Gretchen finds it incapable just to "love that." She makes a comment about using the brand's "evil eye" to ward off Tamra's evil spirits and the party immediately sours.
Vicki arrives late and Tamra is like, "Gretchen just ripped me a new a**hole." Oh, and Vicki and Alexis don't get along, either. Tamra sits Vicki down to recap what just happened (all one sentence of it), and I sense that Vicki, like me, is one of those people who secretly enjoys when people say really awful things. And if whatever someone said wasn't awful enough the first time, it will be laced with more and more venom with each re-telling. Tamra and Vicki decide that they want to stay positive, and also that Gretchen is awful.
If you don't want loud, flirtatious cackling, don't have a shirtless bartender at your party! Two drinks later, Alexis and Gretchen aren't getting along. Gretchen, clearly, can dish it but can't take it. She can make fun of Alexis for saying "A-mex," but she won't be called "princess." Not by Alexis. The assistants try to diffuse the situation but it's too late and Alexis has decided she's tired of Gretchen for now. Looks like you can't pick on each other, Alexis; it appears to be a one-way street.
Gretchen, full of booze, greets Vicki loudly. Vicki, tired of hearing about Slade, decides to send Gretchen to the bar and Gretchen goes willingly. Tamra wears the "evil eye" hat out to the bar, and asks Gretchen straight out if she was calling her an evil bitch. The party goes silent, as Gretchen says, "yeah, I kinda was. Haha!" No, not ha ha, Gretchen.
"How about you both wear the hat?" Fernanda the Lesbian suggests. Alexis tries to diffuse the situation and Tamra decides against throwing her wine in Gretchen's face. Vicki and Tamra decide they are friends again, joined together by their common revulsion. The limo crew leaves on a drunk note, and Gretchen and Alexis continue the
fight on the way home.
After The Real Housewives of Miami, this was a welcome return, and we haven't even met the new Housewife yet! What did you think? Did the season start off strong? Oh, and don't worry, Tamra saved that glass of wine to throw in Jeanna's face later in the season.(image courtesy of Bravo)