'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' Recap: It's Too Late to Apologize
'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' Recap: It's Too Late to Apologize
The time has come for blonde Ashlee to leave. Go to Las Vegas, Ashlee, and take your horrible attitude with you. Ashlee whines that since this is happening so quickly she is totally having anxiety and doesn't even know if she has outfits or anything! "BYE!" says Jacqueline.

"I'm freaking out, I can't even get this [suitcase] down the stairs," Ashlee says, walking backwards down the stairs. But she manages, and Albie takes her to the airport. Good riddance.

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Caroline takes her daughter, Lauren, to a cosmetologist. The trouble is that Lauren is overweight and can't seem to get ahead. Did she try exercise? Like, more than walking with that black water? Maybe it's the black water. But she's doing a cleanse, so she's just going to drink some orange water and eat berries until she loses $40. Good luck with that.

Juicy and Teresa head to their pizza place, which was poorly planned and, as a result, has failed. Teresa takes this as "a learning lesson" and is able to see the silver lining. Now Juicy gets to spend more time with the family! Or those random "ladies" discussed in last week's episode. Oh, but Juicy has purchased a gas station across the street, so here comes another ADVENTURE.

Joe Wakile has been elected Sophomore class president. Rich takes Joe along to the gas station that they own (wtf?), to teach him some lessons about business and leadership. OK is a gas station a front for something else? Are we actually watching Mob Wives?

Ashlee whines all the way to the airport for Albie, who drops her at the curb. "I don't even know what flight I'm on!" Ashlee cries. Her admission that she "took a straw to a bottle of Nyquil" was an interesting cry for help. Ashlee calls Albie to tell him that she missed her flight. Jacqueline's husband, Chris, is not surprised.

Albie tells Jacqueline that Ashlee missed the flight, and she tries to let it roll off her back. She is having this party no matter what. Apparently, Ashlee was tweeting the whole time at the airport, and missed her flight because she was "literally on a mission for Dunkin Donuts." Everyone laughs at Ashlee's misfortune. She is a f***up.

Then Ashlee arrives at the Ashlee's Gone Dinner Celebration. "I've had like, the worst day," she says like it's not completely awkward for her to be there. "You don't have any common sense," Chris tells her. BE GONE FROM HERE. Chris says he will take Ashlee to the airport, check her bag, and walk her to security and see her through the gate. "All you have to do is wake up." BUT CAN SHE DO IT?

Teresa is coming to this party, too, so it's double the drama. The Gorgas are trying to play nice, even though Teresa is too dumb to be a good friend and sister-in-law. Teresa tries to make an announcement, but everyone keeps talking over her. She yells over the room to say, "let's talk about the book."

"I didn't write it to offend anyone, so whoever took offense to it, I apologize," Teresa says, not apologizing. "It was all in fun," she says. Nobody cares about the cookbook anymore. "Move on, let's have a drink and move on," Juicy suggests wisely. But no one moves on until Teresa is ready.

The men sit down for poker, and get in an argument about height. The next morning, Juicy has a black eye, and got a bloody nose during the fight, reportedly. Why can't we see that footage?!

Joe Wakile is dressed sharp for a party where there might be booze, girls, and parents. Someone sent a naughty picture to Joe, via the email account that all their Twitter pages are linked to. Kathy emails this girl, "why can't you do something more with your beauty?" and Rich wishes he could have the opportunity to tell her to hold that thought for three years.

"You're not a cooker, you're a hooker," is a pretty good dig, Milania!

Juicy has the boys over for dinner and they discuss his injuries from his fight with Rich. Nobody understands exactly what happened, especially me. When Juicy got his license suspended, he went out and obtained another license with a fake ID. What an idiot. Someone asked Teresa about it at her book signing and she was like "HUH?" because she doesn't know she's on a TV show. It's not appropriate for a fan to ask about that, though, probably.

Drunk Juicy isn't as fun as he normally is, Chris notes. He's getting dark, and vengeful.

Meanwhile, at a very long formal dining table, Melissa has a surprise for Joe. Joe thinks it's a baby, but that's not right, so his mind goes straight to how much poison he has in him. Sex! They have a lot of it. Melissa's surprise is that she wrote a ballad for him and it's ready! Joe probably wishes it was sex, but he appreciates this too. He starts to cry, and I just love the Gorgas.

Ashlee is back in the car, whining, on half a Xanax. She has complained of depression, but now that she's on prescriptions, she has invented a lot of anxieties and fears. For whatever reason, Jacqueline gets out all of the baby books to try to figure out where she went wrong. Don't do this to yourself, Jacqueline! Ashlee leaving is a great thing.

(images courtesy of Bravo)

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