Punta Cana Gets the 'RHONJ' Treatment
Punta Cana Gets the 'RHONJ' Treatment
The Real Housewives of New Jersey are going to Punta Cana! And we all know how well these trips go. Melissa knows, so she's trying hard to avoid anything that might cause a fight ... like football. She wants to bring back the spirit of the old days, when she, Teresa, and Kathy, would go to the Dominican Republic together. Many noses and breasts ago.

Teresa is focused on who will look the best. And she wants to set a good example for her kids by getting along with her brother. Teresa, I can't say this enough: YOUR HUSBAND IS THE PROBLEM. The Manzos and the Laritas are also going, because it wouldn't be a fun trip without Jacqueline and the Manzos. Caroline just needs to make sure Lauren doesn't get eaten by sharks, who like shiny things. Ashley won't be going because she "didn't feel like " getting her passport. Too bad, I was hoping she'd get eaten by sharks.

Everyone is looking forward to all the sex they can manage. Classic Jersey. Appropriately, Caroline is wearing a "Keep Calm and Carry On" shirt. Everyone brought their leopard print luggage. Teresa lost hers, with her costume jewelry in it. A whole bag for jewelry! I'm with Rich, the odds were against her. At least Joe didn't lose his hat suitcase ...

Juicy asks the driver to pull over so he can pee. It turns out almost all the men want to pee on the side of the road. That is so heinous.

So there's three villas: the Kids' villa, the Gorga/Wakile villa, and the Manzo/Larita/Giudice villa. Let's hope they can keep the peace. AUGH why do I know that Teresa has her period?! Jesus God. I would love to stay in Chris, Albie, and Greg's villa. Not so much Lauren, but she could hang out with us as long as she didn't sulk.

Juicy Joe is the worst. He doesn't care that they're in Punta Cana, he just cares about hurting someone. The Manzos are looking to take everyone on a boat trip, and Teresa is looking like a Bond Girl, which gives Caroline a headache. Teresa tries on every single bathing suit she has for the boat, and it makes everyone hate her. Greg just can't wait to see Melissa and what she will be wearing. I relate. I like Melissa.

Caroline, she of the migraine, is staying behind. I'm not sure who the winner is, but I know that the loser of the swimsuit contest is Joe Giudice. The thing to bring everyone together is Cucaracha, a drinking game.

Things get a little testy on the boat when it comes to, what else, sex. The men go into the water to cool off. Boy, it's awfully shallow for that giant boat ...

They arrive on an island, and Joe and Melissa just can't wait to have sex, to everyone's delight. On the beach, it's restaurant wars! The Wakiles and Giudices start out discussing their restaurant plans, and even though Albert (the guy who owns the Brownstone) is there, he doesn't really contribute to the pissing contest until the time comes for reality. Joe Giudice is a fool, building a restaurant on dreams alone.

Kathy sits down, and immediately she and Teresa get in a fight. I think it's about whether or not a restaurant would take them away from their children. Oh, but this goes way back, because Kathy said Teresa left Audriana alone at the christening! Greg gives us the play-by-play, which is the BEST. We love Greg!

Everyone wishes this was a hat fight, but this fight will not be broken up until Juicy walks in in his rainbow shorts and declares, "shut up!" GOOD TIMES! I wonder when that bar fight happens ...

Teresa and Joe stomp away angrily, and the rest of the crowd soaks in the aftermath. Next week, they're still all stuck on an island together.

(image courtesy of Bravo)