A Luncheon, a Gala, and Joe Francis on 'Real Housewives of Miami'
A Luncheon, a Gala, and Joe Francis on 'Real Housewives of Miami'
This week's episode may as well be a contest to see if the Miami Housewives can out-boring themselves from the premiere. They're already at the point of spending more time talking about things and re-living events than they spent actually doing them.

Adriana tells her boyfriend/fiancee about how she walked the catwalk in Miami Fashion Week (after the show was over, on her own dare) in front Cristy and Larsa.
"They must have been so jealous," her fiancee tells her. I don't think they were. Adriana has already decided that Cristy and Larsa, the "mean girls," are definitely jealous. Jealousy! It's a Real Housewife's favorite buzzword.

Ewww, Joe Francis. He, and other stars like KIM ZOLCIAK, are going to Lea's charity gala. It's for "at-risk kids in need." I'm all for keeping kids out of jail, but this whole thing is pretty gross. But it's the best gala in Miami, according to Marysol. This is the best Miami has to offer! Oh, lord.

Alexia, Assistant Editor of Venue Magazine, has received complaints that her magazine is tacky. That is awesome. According to Alexia, it's for "the lower person." I'm not sure I understand exactly what "Venue Magazine" is about.

Apparently the Housewives are doing a thing where they all get together at each person's house for a meal. It's Cristy's turn and she's doing Cuban food because she is blatantly Cuban. Lea can't go because she is EXHAUSTED from putting together the gala. Let that be a message to you, Cristy! Lea doesn't give two sh*ts about anyone's luncheon except hers.

Who is this weird chef guy? No idea. Anyway, Marysol couldn't make it either and the chef joyously yelled at her over the phone. Larsa was appalled by his use of a crockpot. The cooking lesson was all about opening cans, which is my type of cooking lesson. After learning how to open a can, the women got to drinking, which is again, my type of cooking lesson.

Soon after the women sit down for lunch, Adriana gets a phone call. Her son got out of school early and her boyfriend couldn't pick him up. Cristy was upset that Adriana "brought her drama" and made it all about her. I guess that would be annoying, if someone was always on the phone during lunch.

To make things "fun," Cristy and Larsa try to convince Adriana to treat her boyfriend horribly and/or to get rid of him. But Alexia relates to Adriana's boyfriend because he works and Adriana isn't really doing anything that would prevent her from picking up her son. Apparently it's all about if this guy can make Adriana's "bed rock." Ugh, this conversation.

Problem solved: Adriana's boyfriend Fredric was just being French!

Hey Larsa, your shorts ARE that short. Larsa tells her friends about Cristy's luncheon and she wasn't terribly impressed, but the event was "cute." Larsa and her girlfriends discuss how "retarded" their nannies are. Those people who take care of her children always turn out to be "lazy as hell," so she starts giving them nicknames like "turtle" and "snail." I'm sure that helps, Larsa. But at least she gets to feel better than everyone. It is SO hard to find good help these days.

Alexia and Adriana talk about having kids, and Adriana wants to make sure her son is "lapidated to perfection." What? Either way, they don't agree with having nannies. Lapidated or dilapidated. Then they agree they want to come back as men because all men have to do is work, not worry about becoming a shriveled old hag like women do constantly!

Scottie and Larsa are taking their kids to Disney World. Larsa's son and mom help Larsa pack (and by "help" I mean that they do it for her). Larsa's mom is on Larsa's side, and has agreed to fire the nanny ("Turtle") for her. High fives all around! Short shorts 4ever!

Back to my thesis: Ewwww, Joe Francis. He is disgusting, and a friend of Lea's (or has she "collected" him)? Lea has hired The Patton Group (Marysol's PR company) to work the red carpet for her gala. There will be lots of "celebrities" there. The good news is that our favorite character, Elsa (Marysol's mom) is back. She kind of looks like Charo exploded.

Marysol and Alexia look cute for the gala, and Lea kind of looks like junk. Gloria Estefan shows up for the charity gala (amazing!), as does Natalie Cole, Paulina Rubio, Kim Zolciak (with Tracy!!), and a couple other people. Lea's people don't let Adriana in until her husband, Joe Francis's lawyer, gets them in. Adriana helped Lea organize the event, apparently.

All the girls except Cristy purchased VIP tickets. If they're lucky they'll raise as much as it cost to put this thing on. They auction off a Rolls Royce and Herman, Alexia's husband, threatens to buy it. Instead, Herman buys Alexia a watch. She really wanted a trip though. Sad face. By the way, that drag queen running the auction with Lea looked better than she did.

So Miss Cristy just sneaks on in with two friends like you can just SHOW UP at a charity auction. She is here to have a GOOD TIME no matter WHAT! She's just there to see some of the many friends she's made. Lea declares Cristy "out of the game," and decides to send Cristy an invoice. I love that.

Well, this thing is going to ripple for a while. It's good for at least two episodes' worth of re-hashing.  Is The Real Housewives of Miami improving to you or is it still not so hot?

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(image courtesy of Bravo)