Welcome to the Real Housewives Spa, the most exclusive spa in all the world! Let us clothe you in blue cashmere robes and high-heels and send you into a state of deep, deep relaxation. Let us prepare you for a cryogenic hibernation, after which you will wake up and your enemies will be old and rotting down to their silicone parts; but not you. You will be young forever.
Pay no attention to that man frozen in the carbonite block. This is about you! Keep your full face of makeup on and have a seat. Read over our menu of services and tell us what you'd like to start with ...
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Step into the automated chamber where you will be confronted with everything negative you think people might be saying about you. Step out a glowing, newly-defensive woman.
Bitter C-Word Wrap
Lay down and let our estheticians cover you in seaweed from the South of France, then incubate in your own self-satisfaction for 20 minutes. This treatment pulls the toxic energy from your body, and redistributes it elsewhere on your body.
DO point that finger in my face! Treat yourself to a foot bath and hand soak, leaving your nails perfect for picking apart the person next to you. No detail is too small to mention in this service! The soak is followed by an optional paraffin dip.
Mud Slinging Bath
Unwind and think about all the untrue things you'll tell the girls tomorrow. Our high-end, specially formulated mud is composed of Dirt You Heard Last Week and Troubled Waters. We no longer offer Water Under the Bridge.
Swimsuit vacation season is here! Don't be caught with your pants down, peeing in the grass! This hair-removal technique is guaranteed to make sure you're still the classiest broad in town, not one who uses inappropriate language or humor.
Laser Frenemy Removal
Shoot that b*tch with a laser.
Hot Stoned Mess-age
A licensed massage therapist will soothe your aches and pains in a hot room, which will cook you just to the brink of insanity. Complimentary telephone service to make scattered phone calls and RSVPs is provided.
In One Ear Candling and Out the Other
The winter months can be rough on your selective hearing, so let us pamper you with an ear candling. You'll never hear what was actually said again!
Everyone is already jealous of you, they must be, so keep it up with our patented Gel-ousy masque. Studies have proven that this treatment will make your neighbors 70-86% more jealous!
Slut Pig Peel
Remove all the weary layers of slutpig that the weeks of acting like a slutpig have put on your skin. After the scraping process*, some redness may show. *Our estheticians are no longer permitted to continue scraping per your request, no matter how much you yell, "KEEP SCRAPING! SO UNCLEAN."
A Cry for Kelp Facial
Our all-natural facial will have you looking like less of a sad sack in no time. Clinically proven to cut down trips to the bathroom by 45%.
Enjoy the deep exfoliation caused by Dana's numerous and grating attempts to be friends with you.
In Your Facial
One of our most popular! This treatment gets right up in there, blasting every pore with a confrontational serum. The next time you yell at someone, you'll feel comfortable getting up close and personal.
As always, we are open to customizable treatments. What treatments do you suggest?
(images courtesy of Bravo)