How 'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' is Like Middle School, But Worse
How 'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' is Like Middle School, But Worse
This week's Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was absolutely batsh*t insane. It was exciting to watch, in an "oh my god I can't believe this is happening" way, and uncomfortable to watch in a "sometimes I forget these are real, living people, not my Barbie dolls" way. But come on, not even our Barbies got into sh*t this real.

And how real are these people? It's easy to forget, as we watch the Housewives lead their glittery lifestyles, booking camels for their parties and launching shoe lines and debating whether or not to choose the "King Arthur" place-setting for a pink and diamond-themed wedding. I think that's one of the reasons why we watch, though, because their problems aren't ours.

As season 2 of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills progresses, and as we learn more about Taylor's situation, the lines between Rich People Problems, Real People Problems, and Reality TV Problems are all being blurred. And it doesn't help that most of the Real Housewives don't posses the emotional maturity to deal with Real People Problems when the come up.

More often than not, watching The Real Housewives is like watching an episodic version of 13 Going on 30, except all the women used the magic glitter (or whatever it was Young Mark Ruffalo gave Young Jennifer Garner), and none of them know that they're actually 13. Here are a few things the Real Housewives and 13-year olds have in common.

  • They get mad when someone else is getting all the attention.
  • They throw parties all the time and only invite the people they like. I'm just waiting for one of the Housewives to throw a slumber party and dip Brandi's hand in warm water while she's sleeping to see if it makes her pee.
  • They say mean comments about girls they don't like while those girls are in the room. 
  • They'll make fun of each other for anything. Clothes, what you say, whatever. 
  • They sit together at lunch.
  • They use texting and social media as a platform to argue and apologize.
  • They get very upset over minute things, and details as small as words they mis-heard someone say.
  • It is very important to be as cool and adult as possible.
  • Most of the conversations revolve around who said what and who is mad at who.

But these are 13-year olds who know how to walk in heels, drink giant glasses of wine, and have homes and cars and husbands and children and divorce settlements. This attitude, when mixed with TV cameras, is a recipe for disaster. 

I don't want to watch Brandi crying about wanting to fit in; I lived that. I don't need my TV shows to remind me that I'm sensitive and don't have friends as loyal as D.D. to defend me. That's what internet comments are for! I don't want to watch a wine-drunk Taylor crying and crawling on a table, I do that every day (both lies! I don't do that and I DO want to watch it). I want to watch someone throw an over-the-top, lavish, themed birthday party for a child who is way too young to appreciate it! 

These Housewives had better go to Las Vegas before things get too real.

(images courtesy of Bravo)

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