The Tat Heard 'Round the World
So. Do I really need to explain the tattoo? If you didn't rewind your DVR a hundred times to listen to Kasey's delusional defense of how getting a tattoo of a shield, heart and rose on his wrist was his way of showing Ali that he is "genuine" and "sincere," then I don't think I know you anymore.
So I'm not even going to bother to point out how absolutely ridiculous, insane and downright offensively stupid Kasey's tattoo is, not to mention the conceit perpetuated by him, the other men and the show that this moment was spontaneous and that Kasey has the physical or mental ability to "sneak away" (WITH A CAMERA CREW) to get his ink work done, because that is not the point. The point is LOOK AT THAT THING.
Also: Kasey's cover-up story about getting burned on the stove and then spending all day at the hospital getting bandaged up? Yeah, okay, I will buy that he made that part up on his own. Because it too is offensively stupid. What I don't buy is that Justin is the only guy who smelled the lie. But okay, The Bachelorette. Whatever you say. Justin is the ONLY guy who figures out that a tiny wrist burn wouldn't result in a full day at the ER, and he's all:
(Jonathan and Justin are both big fans of The Wicker Man
So Justin vows to call Kasey out on his lies (because he doesn't "want liars in the house"--that's rich
) and he does, later, so we'll talk about that then.Date #3: Chris L.
Chris L. is clearly the best. We all know it, right? Right. But does Ali know it? I'm not so sure.
Ali is still feeling sick on the morning of her one-on-one with Chris, so she invites him over to her suite. He comes bearing flowers and soup (yep, that sounds like something "the best" would do), and allows her to ask more and more questions about his dead mother, which is clearly a very important topic to cover for anyone who wants to get to know Chris L., but seriously, Ali, do you have to make him talk about it every single day? Leave the poor guy alone and let him have one day on national TV when he's not forced to expose his most personal, vulnerable family details to be exploited as part of a "the power of love shall heal you" storyline on a soulless reality television program. Chris L. is the best, and he deserves better than that!
Okay, but at the same time: the story he tells about how his mom told him to look for her in rainbows, and now he sees rainbows all the time, was so cute I almost cried.
Anyway, while Chris is being healed by the power of love, Ali is being healed by the power of soup, so she rallies her beauty team to fix her up, and she goes to dinner with Chris, where she lets him call his dad because, oh yeah, it's also his birthday today. Happy birthday, Chris! If I were your date, I would have given you a present that wasn't a private concert from my
favorite musician and a case of my
debilitating flu, but I'm not your date, Ali is. So that is what you get.
Glass-half-full type of quality best that he is, though, Chris L. enjoys himself, and his make-out with Ali, and gets that rose. Finally, a plot development that makes sense.Cocktail Party
I think we're all exhausted by this point. Let's wrap this sucker up:
Craig R. wins the "telling it like it is" award for the evening: "We have a lot of great guys here. With the exception of Justin."
And Kirk wins the "stealing the words right out of the blogger's mouth" award: "We need one more guy to play the guitar in this house. There aren't enough yet!" He's referring, of course, to Jonathan, who, in an attempt to overcome what a massive "schmuck" he's been this week, gets out his guitar and sings Ali a song he wrote for her, because there definitely were not enough awkward and terrible original love songs in this episode yet, and Jonathan definitely had not attracted enough negative attention from Ali or America yet, so ... that happened. He also introduced us to his new girlfriend:
Her name is Rose, and she loves to cuddle!
Meanwhile, Rated R goes Rated R-gressive on Kasey, who finally owns up to his tattoo. And we all get another glimpse at how Kasey's brain has developed the unique ability to take in blatant and simple information and then totally misinterpret that information to mean the opposite of what it actually means, when he sees the stunned, creeped-out looks on the other guys' faces and then says he is happy to see that they all love him and think he is so courageous for doing what he did.
"You guys are all diamonds in my heart." -- Kasey.
"Oh my god, am I
dying? Am I dead? Is this what heaven is like?" -- Me.
But Kasey is too chicken to show the tattoo to Ali yet, and instead gives her a bag of candy to help her feel better. Nine out of ten doctors agree that candy is the best medicine for never getting over a cold. Ali is impressed that he did something nice without going "over the top." (Oh HI, foreshadowing!) This understated, relatively smart move is totally disorienting and confusing. But then he vows that he will show the triumphant tat to her soon, so I feel safe in the world again. Things only make sense when Kasey doesn't.Rose CeremonyChris L.
already has his rose, and the other eight go to:
(Jealous Rumpelstiltskin) Craig
(DJ Jazzy B.S. Detector)Chris N.
(Ugh. Okay, fine.)Ty
(Earlier he was wearing a visor while talking about not doing anything you'd regret. Irony!)
And ... Kasey.
Which left Hot Jesse and poor little Jonathan without roses. Bye, Hot Jesse! I'm sure you'll land on your very attractive feet.
And, for the very last time on my TV or in this column, forever and ever amen, Jonathan felt like this:
And it seemed to me, you lived your life like a candle in the wind...
Oh, Jonathan. I miss you so much already.
The remaining 9 and Ali go to romantic Iceland to scale volcanos and talk about feelings some more. And Ali says at some point, "All Kasey has to do is be normal." HAHA, SURE. See you next week, disappointed Ali!<<PREV Date #1 and Date #2