At this point, we all pretty much know how it's going to go down on Monday night's Bachelor finale
. For two hours Ben will pretend to us, himself and his family that Lyndzi's a serious contender for his marriage proposal, but at the end, he'll confirm what we've known since they got naked together in the Puerto Rican ocean: It's always
been Courtney. "Winning"? More like "won."
But just because we know (or think
we know) the ending doesn't mean that we can't have fun watching Ben complete his Bachelor
journey. Quite the opposite, in fact. Without the burden of suspense, and safe in the knowledge that not even the detached winemaker or his manipulative model bride-to-be are taking this seriously, we're free to enjoy Monday's episode for the spectacular, superficial, disturbing spectacle that it's sure to be.
Let go of your worries that Ben's making a fatal mistake, or that Courtney's pure evil in an evening gown -- he's been warned, deep down he knows, and he's gonna be just fine
-- and instead relish in the perfect conclusion to the beautiful disaster that has been Ben's season. Because really, there's no more fitting ending to this Bachelor
season than the two people most determined not to take this process seriously, making THE most serious commitment imaginable to each other. So let's celebrate that! By drinking! Maybe a lot!And so, fellow Bachelor fans, will you accept this ... collection of Bachelor-inspired cocktail recipes and drinking game?
Drink Recipes:The Black Widow
2 oz. black vodka (like this one
-- or regular vodka and black food coloring)
0.5 oz grenadine (for the red coloring on the spider and/or Courtney's thirst for blood)
3 oz. prosecco, chilled
Pour the prosecco and grenadine in first. Stir. Then, using a spoon, pour the vodka over the back of the spoon, with the tip of the spoon in the drink. Voila! The black vodka is floating at the top -- just like how Courtney's inner darkness always finds a way to rise to the surface.Lyndzi's Chagrin(zi)
7 oz. of whatever liquor you want, just what's lying around
3 oz. of some sort of mixer (cola, water, juice, none at all if you want)
lots of ice
Poor Lyndzi. We know almost nothing about her, and have pretty much already forgotten about her. Honor her indistinct memory with a drink that makes use of the spare parts in your fridge, and whose stiffness will wash away her inevitable sorrow. The ice symbolizes how her relationship with Ben has been a real slow burn -- and the ice that won't be on her finger at the end.
The Virgin Kacie B.
3 oz. sweet tea
3 oz. lemonade
a few human tears (optional)
1 swizzle stick (it's your drink's baton!!!)Mix over ice. Drink. The result should leave you feeling frustrated and unsatisfied, just like Kacie felt when Ben dumped her.
Ben There, Drunk That
1 container of cheap red wine, jugged or boxed
1 fancy wine glassThis one's all about self-deception and settling. Pour the wine into the glass and pretend it's better than it actually is. Drink until you've convinced yourself that it tastes good. Then until it hurts. Repeat.
Now that you've got your drinks ready, you're ready to play...
The Bachelor Season 16 Finale Drinking GameDrink once when...
Drink twice when...
- Ben's hair looks like a drowning woodland creature fell asleep on his head.
- Lyndzi laughs for no discernible reason.
- Anyone mentions or flashes back to a horse.
- Anyone mentions or flashes back to skinny dipping.
- Courtney talks about how difficult all of this has been for her.
- Courtney plays with her hair and/or Ben's emotions.
- Chris Harrison says something completely obvious or extremely hyperbolic.
- Ben talks about what a risk Courtney is or how he's worried he doesn't know the real her; OR about how much he loves Courtney and is certain he wants to marry her. (Drink twice if he does one immediately after the other.)
- Lyndzi cries.
- Someone says "journey."
Drink three if...
- Courtney acts nice -- and it's obvious that she's acting.
- Neil Lane gives Ben some generic or useless advice.
- Someone turns a date scenario into a metaphor about love.
- You or someone on the show forgets about Lyndzi.
Finish the rest of your drink if...
- Ben's mom and sister explicitly tell him that he shouldn't marry Courtney.
- Courtney cries real human tears.
- Ben puts the engagement ring on Courtney's finger WITH her long black glove still on.
- Ben pulls the glove off with his teeth and THEN puts the ring on.
- Ben or Courtney say that they are going to be together forever.
- Ben's dog Scotch shows up in a bow tie.
As always, please be safe and follow these rules at your own discretion (or use them as a starting point to come up with your own!), lest you end up in the hospital, which is NOT the sort of "beautiful disaster" we're going for.
Let me know if you actually make any of these drinks or play the game. I'll be busy recapping the two-hour finale (8-10pm) and After the Final Rose
(10-11pm) here on BuddyTV -- which I hope you'll come back and read after you watch! -- so I'd love to hear your viewing party stories and live vicariously.
Until Monday, Bachelor
-heads... (Image courtesy of ABC)