Group Date #2: Elizabeth, Jessie, Kathryn, Ashley, Vienna

(Which means Michelle, Tenley and Ella don't get dates this week. More on that later.)

Jake takes these five to Six Flags Magic Mountain, and they get the park all to themselves.

We learn a few important things during this date:

1. Watching other people ride roller coasters is BORING. Unless they're vomiting or screaming like banshees, and these sturdy women do neither. Yawn.

2. Elizabeth is, to borrow a word from Christina, "CA-RAAZZZZ-Y." Luckily, Jake LOOOVES him some crazy. So he seems to eat it up when Beth breathlessly reads him a long, impassioned noted about how he shouldn't kiss her until she's the only one he's going to kiss for the rest of forever. Jake says he respects her values and her decision. Translation: she's living on borrowed time, and will just have to get more creatively slutty if she wants to make it all the way to the end.

3. Vienna has been married. She tells him she was engaged to her pastor's son when she was a senior in high school, but then called it off. A month later he got married to someone else, and she tells Jake that it was so hard losing him that she ran off and eloped with a guy she barely knew and got divorced four months later. All of this forced her to do a lot of "growing up," and I would be forced to make a joke about a Lifetime Original Movie called "Vienna's Revenge" or "From Vienna to Vegas" or some such nonsense,  if I didn't feel so freaking bad for her. Who doesn't know what it's like to be a hormonal, crazed high schooler with no real concept of time or consequence? Most of our bad decisions didn't require divorce papers, and weren't aired out on national TV, but we all still made them. ("Viennannulment"! That's definitely what I'd call it. Obscure, but catchy.)

Jake gives the group date rose to Elizabeth, because she "intrigues" him and he wants to show that he respects her boundaries. He escorts her to a private fireworks viewing at the park, and she graciously allows him to make out with her forehead.

Cocktail Party

First, the minor stuff: ABC decided not to allow Ella to go to the amusement park ON HER FREAKING BIRTHDAY, so Jake gives her a one-day-late cupcake as a crummy condolence prize. Tenley tries to tell Jake about her previous marriage, but chickens out.

Oh yeah, and then there's Michelle. I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT CRAZY MICHELLE, you guys. How is that possible?! Michelle is convinced that Jake is no longer interested in her, that everyone else hates her, and that there is an intergalactic league of manatees who have set up a base on the moon and are controlling our brainwaves using their advanced blubber technology. Okay, not really, but FOR REAL, girlfriend is nuts.


No, honey. You're the crazy girl that everybody wants to keep away from sharp objects. And their pet bunnies.

Crazy Michelle decided to pack her things and go when she found out that she wouldn't be on a date with Jake this week, but Tenley convinced her to stay by using this face: