This week on Teen Wolf
, there's a deadly virus outbreak in the school which can only be cured by 20-year-old tea. Good thing the Hales are huge hoarders with a vault conveniently located underneath the school. That was a close call!
Teen Wolf is available on Amazon Prime.
Listen, Teen Wolf
is Teen Wolf
and that's definitely part of the show's charm. But there were maybe just a few too many logic leaps and startling coincidences in this episode to be overlooked.
Satomi just happens to show up at exactly the right time with a sick werewolf, clearly outlining exactly what might happen to our favorite characters if the virus progresses. Then in the middle of a life-or-death situation, Satomi stops the presses to reminisce with Derek about his mom's favorite tea.
"Shut up, Deaton, we're having an important conversation about hot beverages here. Your deadly outbreak can wait! Derek's almost smiling!" Of course, this tea not only turns out to be the antidote to the virus, but is so strong that merely knocking it over saves a whole roomful of people. That is some serious tea.
I kept waiting for Scott to do a line of tea off the floor or something, but nope, the magical tea fairy dust just twinkled in the air and healed the group.
Unfortunately, the tea isn't powerful enough to heal relationships, so Stiles and Malia are about to go through a serious rough patch. It was only a matter of time before Malia found out about her bad dad Peter, and she doesn't look too pleased that the rest of the group hid the truth from her.
This wasn't as ambitious or fun as some of the other bottle episodes the show has done before. When I hear a bottle episode is coming up, I expect the episode to be more of a character piece, yet this episode was fairly disappointing in that regard. There are some great character moments scattered throughout, but I wouldn't call this one a shining character study. Scott and Stiles were heroic, Holland Roden acted her scenes beautifully and Malia found out the truth. Other than that, not much happened.
The needle didn't move forward much in regards to the overall season storyline, and all the crazy plot mechanics in this episode held it back from becoming a true character study. Still, if there's one thing this show understands, it's ratcheting up the tension and putting characters in peril.
Another thing this show is way into? Slow-motion. Teen Wolf has never watched a scene it didn't think would be improved with a good slow-mo.
An Evil Genius
The episode starts out with a creepy guy, drinking tea, watching a werewolf slowly melt into goop in the distance. He's listening to a tape from the Benefactor instructing him on what he has to do to get his money.
In another place, Stiles and Scott are listening to the same tape, confused with how wire transfers and money works. Scott, so busy these last few years he's begun to Flowers for Algernon back to his dumb season 1 self, can't seem to figure out how much money $500,000 is. Stiles, however, is basically drooling over the pile of money, thinking about how it could help his dad get out from under those Eichen House bills.
Soon, talk turns to Peter and how he's evil, and Scott has sort of forgotten about that in the shuffle. "But his v-necks make him seem so trustworthy!" They shove the cash under the bed, the safest of all places to put half a million dollars, until they can figure out what to do with it.
The next day at school, they're all worried about the PSATs. I have a serious question I need someone to answer: how old are these kids supposed to be?
I get that everyone in the cast in 16-going-on-35, but how old are they supposed to be in the world of the show? It's been a while since I had to worry about standardized tests, but shouldn't they at least be taking the SATs by now?
Malia is understandably freaking out about how she doesn't know anything, but Scott, Stiles and Kira don't seem any better off. This is maybe the most plausible thing to happen in the whole episode, if not the whole series.
I have no idea if any of these kids even show up for class anymore, and I have no idea how they fit homework in between being murdered by Japanese fox spirits. There is no way any of them are ever getting into college, even if they live long enough to enroll.
Creepy disease guy is proctoring the test, continuing the proud tradition of Beacon Hills High hiring decisions that end in murder. Beacon Hills High: our students receive the finest education, right until the moment our teachers kill them. Enroll today!
Creepy disease guy is basically rubbing his hands together like a cartoon villain the entire episode without anyone taking any notice. Helping out Mr. Creeps is Lydia's mother, who tries to get Coach to help out to no avail. She thinks Coach has fallen off the wagon after 15 years when she finds him asleep at his desk and initially tries to cover for him.
First of all, based on his frantic demeanor, I would have pegged Coach for having a problem with uppers like speed or crack. And second of all, does Lydia have a dad? I can't seem to remember if she was also living in a single parent household.
As they all sit down for their test, another student passes out and Mrs. Martin does the math with television show quickness. It's a virus and she immediately calls the CDC. Mr. Creepy cackles in the corner and makes a little stabbing motion with his pen, and still no one catches on that he might be the culprit.
Satomi does a lot of crazy martial arts moves in a fight with Deaton, just because she's a show-off, then asks him to save her werewolf friend. He's pretty much the only one who survived the plague that hit her pack, but soon he's off to deadsville as well. Maybe if she hadn't wasted so much time slow-motion fighting in the alley, he would have at least made it out of the hospital elevator.
Deaton does an autopsy while Satomi explains some of the side effects, like uncontrollable shifting and blindness. Having taken Braeden to the hospital earlier, Derek pauses from giving her the smolder to catch up with his mom's good pal Satomi.
This leads to the aforementioned awkward tea conversation, wherein Deaton realizes the tea must have inoculated Satomi against the virus. This is some kind of powerful tea. I would ask how much of this tea Satomi drank to be able to completely avoid a deadly virus, but apparently just breathing in this fairy tea dust can magically cure you from all ills.
"My mom was a crazy hoarder, so we still have some of that tea in the vault!" Derek proclaims, in one of many ridiculous logic leaps to take part in this scene. I would love to see what else is down there in that vault, since it seems to magically contain every single deus ex machina the show might ever need.
Maybe Geraldo Rivera was just looking in the wrong place, and everything from Al Capone's vault is really in Hale storage? Who knows what treasures they might find down there, since apparently no one even seemed to care that it used to contain $117 million.
The Hale Vault of Sadness, Death and Musty Old Tea
Speaking of the Hale Vault of Musty Memories and Inevitable Death, the whole gang heads down there once Scott and Malia start uncontrollably changing into werewolves. Mr. Yukimura helps them escape, and pretty much no one else on staff notices that a bunch of children are suddenly missing, one of which burnt a hole into a CDC staffer.
Down in the vault, Scott listens to the sheriff talk outside with Agent McCall about how he thinks it might be assassin related. "Sure, that seems reasonable," Agent McCall nods, like it's just an everyday occurrence for professional assassins to try to kill high schoolers.
As the group gets sicker, Scott feels they should tell Malia about her parentage. She's already picked up on the fact that they're hiding something, although she thinks it's just the fact that she's on the dead pool list, and she's comforted by her relatively low price tag. But Stiles doesn't want to tell her about Peter, knowing what a snake in the grass he is and suspecting Peter will try to use Malia in some way.
Despite the fact that Scott can hear outside clear as day even though they're in the Hale Vault of Extremely Expired Tea Products, Malia somehow manages to miss this loud conversation they're having not even a foot from her head.
Stiles goes back into the school to see what's happening, but not before a dramatic slow-mo look back at the ailing Malia. While Stiles is upstairs, Malia finds the dead pool in his coat pocket, but conveniently goes blind before she can read the list.
Upstairs, Creepy Disease Guy holds Stiles at gunpoint because he needs the location of the others for confirmation of their death. All the humans are starting to recover, including our dear sweet Coach, but the supernaturals are only getting worse downstairs. Before he can shoot Stiles, Agent McCall shoots him in the back of the head, blowing blood on poor traumatized Stiles. One day, these kids are going to need so much therapy.
"Hey, Stiles! Glad that bullet didn't hit you in the face too; that was a close one, right? We'll have a laugh about this later, but for now you need to tell Scott to drink the magic tea downstairs, which I'm hoping is not some kind of weird drug thing." Agent McCall doesn't even get a thanks before Stiles is dramatically running downstairs to tell Scott about the cure.
Unfortunately, the Vault door is closed and no one thought about how Stiles was going to get back in, because I guess all their brains were scrambled with tea-flu. Stiles yells about a jar on a shelf, which is a very specific direction in a giant cavern filled with jars. But Scott uses his alpha powers to find the jar and knock it over, and the magical tea dust diffuses in the air and heals them all.
This seems like it should, in theory, be good news. For Malia, however, it's a mixed bag. Her vision returns and she can finally see that her name is Malia Hale, not Tate, on the dead pool. She silently walks out of the Vault, ignoring Stiles. Poor Stiles, the slow-mo walk is the cruelest break-up technique around.
The Shirtlessness Count
This season of Teen Wolf is breaking my heart. The only shirtless action we get this week is thanks to Satomi's ill werewolf, who ends up dead for his valiant shirtlessness. For his bravery in the face of certain death, unnamed werewolf dude gets Best Pecks of the Episode.
Elsewhere in Beacon Hills...
-- Derek Hale is turning on the charm for Braeden. If you think about it, Braeden is exactly his type: pretty, witty and has definitely murdered some people.
-- Lydia is having a tough time with her banshee powers and with saying goodbye to Meredith. Holland Roden is doing a great job so far this season playing a Lydia who wants so desperately to make up for the past and to actually contribute with powers she still doesn't understand.
-- This episode would make the best commercial for Teavana. Just saying.
What did you think? Did you like the episode or did it leave you feeling cold? Or did it just leave you wanting a cup of tea? Who is the Benefactor anyway? Share your theories in the comments!
Teen Wolf airs Mondays at 10pm on MTV.