'Survivor' Recap: Edna's Last Stand
'Survivor' Recap: Edna's Last Stand
After his chilly elimination, Cochran greets Ozzy at Redemption Island, and Ozzy asks Cochran to vote for him in the final. "If you had to choose between me or Coach," Ozzy begins, just assuming that Cochran will lose the duel. What if it's something where you need to fit through a small space, Ozzy? Advantage Cochran!

"Do you think I stand a chance beating you at the duel?" Cochran asks. "You have a chance," Ozzy says, followed by, "he doesn't stand a chance," to the cameras. Nice editing, Survivor team.

Back at Te Tuna, it's time for the tribe to start consuming itself. Brandon asks the tribe to gather to pray before their meal, and Edna excuses herself because, as she notes passive-aggressively, "I'm not part of this tribe." Girl's got her business suit on and she is getting SERIOUS. She will not be treated like a second-class citizen in this game, or in real life, which have oddly become two separate things.

Edna is on the prowl, and she is after Brandon, "some nineteen-year old high school dropout, who has advertised that he's crazy." Just then, the crazy nineteen-year old shouts, "SPRINT TREE MAIL!" to the camp. They all get to watch videos from home on a Sprint device. So this means they'll be playing for a visit from family, right? Kind of weird that they would see videos right before seeing those people in person.

First, we must bear witness to the duel between Ozzy and Cochran. They have to get a ball and take it through a giant wooden maze. Te Tuna, because they fear Ozzy, roots for Cochran in this challenge. Coach gives Cochran a subtle thumbs up, as he struggles to bring in the bags with a hook. Cochran's attempts were accompanied by hilarious "BOINK!" sound effects. Ozzy is already set up in the maze, because he is a fisherman and always works with hooks and stuff. Haven't you heard? He is getting stronger and more mentally rested on the island!

Ozzy is very calm maneuvering the maze, while Cochran looks like a little kid playing a video game at Game Works. It's shockingly neck and neck for a while. Cochran made a bold, bombastic move that barely paid off, but it dropped into a nearby hole and Ozzy won. He almost did it, though! It was actually close!

Cochran received an appropriate send-off from his former tribe members, and perhaps more importantly, Jeff. No one loves Survivor more than Cochran, who got emotionally overwhelmed about it. Now he gets to be on the jury! R.I.P., Cochran's Survivor Adventure.

Jeff announces that Ozzy will have a big decision to make that will affect everyone else in the game. Jeff brings out the family members; Sophie's dad, Edna's sister, Coach's brother, Rick's wife, Albert's mom, and Brandon's dad (RUSSELL'S BROTHER). The good twin? We don't know yet.

"That was a lot of emotion," Jeff declares dryly. Ozzy must choose one person who gets to spend time with their loved one. Ozzy chooses Albert, then Coach. Interesting choice. Is he currying favor with the tribe's father? Finally, Ozzy chooses Brandon. Interesting choice. The bad news for Ozzy is that A) he has to videotape everyone on that Sprint phone, and B) everyone's going to be hanging out with their families in the Ozzy Resort, a.k.a. Redemption Island.

They take pictures of each other, because everyone will want to remember how skinny and dirty they looked. Coach approached Ozzy "as a Christian man" and promised him the Final Three. I mean, we all knew this was coming, so it just makes sense. But Coach, don't you know Ozzy would beat you?

Russell's brother tries to talk some sense into Brandon, but Brandon insists that he will play a game of INTEGRITY. Sean Hantz tells Lil' Hantz to get his head in the game. Screw WWJD, this is all about WWAHD (What Would a Hantz Do). Definitely Russell's brother.

Brandon and Dad Hantz approach Coach to bully him into putting Brandon into the Top 3. Whoa, that is some messed up mess. Dad Hantz is terrifying. That was the final straw for Coach, who says Brandon's time is limited on the island.

Back at the Giant Pineapple, it's time for an immunity challenge. It's a puzzle challenge! Cochran would have been great at this. They take turns flipping over puzzle pieces, slowly squeezing Albert out, then Brandon. Brandon sits next to Albert and explains not-so-subtly that he was trying to edge Edna out. What is wrong with you, Brandon, you're just making Edna even more furious. Hell hath no fury like an Edna scorned. I hope.

Edna makes her last move, and Coach wins immunity. I would love to try that game. Lets get it set up in my living room! Obviously Coach was always safe, though. He didn't need this like Edna did.

"Help a sister out, Coach," Edna says, taking a swig of water. Brandon, sitting in a tree laughing about how he could not possibly be more HONEST, doesn't seem worried. Sophie, this whole time, has just been calculating who the jury will hate and who they will love. They will not love Brandon.

Brandon tells Edna he didn't mean to hurt her feelings, but Edna is off the deep end feeling victimized. This woman has gone nuts and I love it. Edna has a proposition for Albert, Coach, and Sophie. She asks them to think about what honor and integrity mean to them, and compare that to Brandon's absolutely looney behavior. To be fair, Edna is being nuts, too, but Brandon has always been a loose cannon.

She offered that Brandon could go home, and the four of them could rule the school. Coach tells Edna that no one wants to send Brandon to Redemption, should he win and come back. He could come back crazier than ever!

Edna asks Coach to play the idol for her, to which he says no, because without the idol, they would vote him off. With her last dying breath in this game, Edna approaches Albert and Sophie. She lies to them, saying that Coach is in on the plan 100%. Then she said something crazy.

"I'll eat a piece of his sh*t, that's how 100% I am." I assume she said the s word? Ass maybe? Dick? Oh god, not that. I don't know, whatever it was, it was foul enough to bleep out and wake Sophie from her beach nap. Albert, always one to consider his options, is thinking about it real hard. Hard enough to actually make a move? Probably not, just based on the way this season tends to go.

The jury comes out at tribal council, and Coach is still playing Father Figure to Cochran, who might not be buying it. He's in Coach Kool-Aid rehab now. I will say this, at tribal Edna did a good job spitting fire, and Brandon did a good job making himself look even worse. Edna's telling the truth, and Brandon is looser than a hemorrhoid. Albert has a lot to consider.

Edna should have appealed to Rick. He's barely playing, the least he could do is act as a number. Sophie looked bored, which definitely tells us that Edna is going home. I'm bored with this, too! Edna is voted out, and hugs Coach before her departure, a confusing move on her part.

And WHAT if Edna wins at Redemption Island in the last moments? It looks like that is a very real possibility next week.

(images courtesy of CBS)