'Survivor' Recap: An Epic Battle of Good vs. Evil
'Survivor' Recap: An Epic Battle of Good vs. Evil
John Kubicek
John Kubicek
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
This week, Survivor is all about Redemption Island, where an epic battle takes place. On one side is Matt, the God-loving Christian who helps old ladies across the street and whose farts smell like lavender. He's the embodiment of puppies and Christmas and everything good in the world. On the other side is big, bad Russell, the biggest villain in Survivor history. He has a forked tongue, cloven hooves and he gives wedgies to handicapped children.

The Duel

The battle between Matt and Russell is simply about stacking dominos. After a quick back-and-forth, it's Matt who emerges triumphant. Yes Virginia, there is a God!

Good Riddance to Bad Russell>>

However, Russell doesn't go quietly into that good night. First he cries and then he puts on his game face and proceeds to destroy his tribe. He tells the visitors from Ometepe about Zapatera's team structure and he even gets Ralph to admit that he has an immunity idol. Well done, Russell, even in defeat you manage to win.

Idol Chatter

On Zapatera, Ralph finally tells everyone that he has an idol, but since Russell got it out of him, now everyone on Ometepe knows too. On Ometepe, Boston Rob plans a distracting game on the beach so he can run back and dig around for the second immunity idol, which he finds and keeps secret. He learned from Kristina not to tell Phillip, because that would definitely end badly.

The Immunity Challenge

This week's immunity challenge is all about using tools. Despite fearing a karmic curse for throwing last week's challenge, Zapatera dominates once again and wins a meat feast. This is turning into a very lop-sided season, and if Zapatera didn't lose on purpose to get rid of Russell, they could be up 9-5 right now instead of 8-6.

Crazy Phillip's Craziest Moments

Since Ometepe gets more screentime for losing, that means another installment of the special agent's craziest moments.

-He wakes everyone up in the morning by sweeping the camp with a giant branch. If your floor is made of dirt, is there really any point to sweeping?

-Phillip goes on yet another crab hunt with his homemade spear and disgustingly saggy pink briefs, which now feature a blurred-out crotch. That sound you just heard was me dry heaving.

-After coming back from the duel, Phillip tried to blackmail Boston Rob into promising to save Kristina before giving him the info he got from Russell. Boston Rob is understandably concerned since Phillip is supposed to be in his alliance, and Phillip's plan backfires when he tells Boston Rob the info first, and then wants a promise. I want to think Phillip is playing an unbelievably crafty game, but I think he's genuinely this clueless.

-Finally, after losing the immunity challenge, Phillip once again bothers the entire tribe with a post-game wrap-up and pre-Tribal Council speech. Everyone is sick and tired of his nonsense by this point, except for Boston Rob, who sees the benefit of having someone so unstable stay in the game.

Tribal Council

Going in, Boston Rob's plan is for his group of five to split their votes 3-2 in favor of booting Kristina, that way when Phillip and Kristina vote for each other, she goes home. However, the others talk of possibly abandoning the plan in favor of getting rid of Phillip because he's that damn annoying.

At Tribal Council, we get more jibber jabber from Phillip about being a doer and using the Sheppard Stamp. Sadly, I'm pretty sure he actually had a stamp made for this made-up thing and he uses it to certify all of his correspondence, which probably includes letters to NBC begging them to bring back Wings and suggestions to McDonalds on how they might improve their Chicken McNugget recipe.

In the end, Kristina is voted out 4-3.

So once again, every single person votes exactly how Boston Rob wanted them to. I'm going to be so angry when he doesn't win.

(Image courtesy of CBS)