Everyone talks about car crash TV, but Thursday night was more like a three car pileup.
The outcomes of both Survivor and American Idol made my eyes bug out like a bush baby. It was like if you saw the movie Knowing, left the theater spitting thumbtacks about the bogus twist ending, and then decided to cool off by watching The Village. And don't even get me riled up about those dirty tabloid lies regarding The Bachelor's Jake and Vienna today...
Survivor is available on Amazon Prime.
First, let me focus on the positive. Russell may win the award for the most awkward line of the season with, "Just ride on my coattails, baby!" Russell actually felt like a caveman bringing home the Hidden Immunity Idol to his woman at that moment. And maybe, deep down, a lot of guys would. But the way he misjudged Parvati made me wince.
"I don't ride coattails."
I'm not sure if Russell realizes yet that he is riding Parvati's coattails. She is the juggernaut. He is the misfit. I'm also still not sure if he realizes that he's married. He might want to ixnay the lirtingfay in front of the ameraskay.
Apparently he's better with the fellas, anyway. He made Coach drop to his knees!
Call me a dragon, because Coach slays me with his zany antics every week. The Gregorian monk chants? The tearful Martin Luther King speeches? Bowing at the feet of Russell? Is it possible to really like somebody, and yet to laugh at them all the time?
And what about that reward challenge?
Lesson #1: Don't stand between Jerri and chocolate.
Lesson #2: Don't smash Jerri's face into a wooden block. She will turn into Kobe Bryant and score on your sorry behind. Also, Boston Rob will dive ontop of you and throw you to the ground.
No, I don't believe that Rupert meant to beat up Jerri. He's an egomaniac, not a violent brute. He just still hasn't grown into his body yet, and he didn't realize he was swinging her around that close to a blunt weapon. That's still awkward.
Unfortunately, for me, it still all comes back to the vote this week.
Historically, sticking with your alliance has been an almost unbeatable strategy. Sure, for a while it became vogue to switch allies every week, but contestants came to realize that was like randomizing the outcome, giving everyone an equal shot of winning. If you really wanted to give yourself a one in five shot at the million dollars you were better off forming a rock solid alliance on Day One.
But surely you can take any good idea too far. At some point keeping a promise can become unreasonable. Fanatical, even.
Instead of saying "Hey, I'm really sorry. I planned to take you to the end, but we didn't count on these injuries" JT and Amanda have decided to build around injured players. And how well has that worked for the New York Mets?
If they think they're going to start winning now, they're not dealing with reality. We all know they can't solve puzzles (or do anything physical) but apparently they also suck at math.
The tribes typically merge at 10 and there are still 15 people left in the game. That means there are five more Tribal Councils. The Heroes can get rid of Colby next, and then what? They can sacrifice Candice because she's not a real member of the alliance. But then what? The four who are left - Rupert, James, JT and Amanda - may still have to go to three more Tribal Councils.
Ruh oh! Is it too late to cancel that Tom vote?
-Henry Jenkins, BuddyTV Columnist
(Image courtesy of CBS)