It's getting to be big decision time on Rock of Love Bus
. Only three girls remain on the road and we're just one episode away from Bret choosing this season's Rock of Love. While many men would envy Bret's situation, having to choose between three beautiful women who want you, Bret Michaels certainly doesn't seem to be enjoying himself. If I only had one word to describe this week's penultimate episode of Rock of Love Bus, it would be: painful. Painfully awkward, painfully boring, painfully dull. Even though there was plenty of drama this episode, it was more like a bad soap opera than a trashy reality show. While it may bode well for Bret's relationship that he's kept around the dullest of the girls, it sure doesn't make for good trashy reality TV.
This week the three remaining girls--Jamie, Mindy, and Taya--are taking their final bus ride to Miami, Florida for some fantasy dates. While everyone seems happy to get off the bus, that seems the only bright spot for the girls. With only one elimination standing between them and the finale, the tension is high, politeness is out the window, and friendships are done. The gloves are off, the manicured claws are out, and the competition is on.
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When the girls get to Miami, Bret has three Carnivale style showgirl costumes for them. Jamie and Taya are thrilled to get in the sparkly pseudo-bikinis and head-dresses, but Miss Mindy, not so much. Mindy, it seems, is afraid of making herself look like an ass (too late darling, you're on Rock of Love Bus
), but to her credit, there are also some major wardrobe malfunctions going on. Taya on the other hand, jumps in the complicated costume like a pro. Both Mindy and Jamie find this amusing, because despite constantly saying she's not a stripper, Taya seems to know all there is to know about strapping yourself into a skimpy outfit. And I have to agree with Mindy and Jamie, there is no way Taya is not a stripper, just like there is no way that woman is 29 years old.
Bret hasn't seen the girls since Orland and he's "jonesing for them." While he's pleased to see Jamie and Taya in their Carnivale get-up, he's disappointed that Mindy has refused to participate in the dress-up portion of this date. After Bret voices his disappointment, the kind editors cut to a montage of Mindy complaining about just about everything. I never realized it, because I happen to like Mindy a lot, but there has been a lot of complaining on her behalf this season. Right after the montage, it's even more complaining from Mindy, which worries and angers Bret. Bret has a new nickname for Mindy: Captain Buzzkill. Not exactly a term of endearment for someone who you're kind of dating. To appease Bret's annoyance, Mindy slips into an itty-bitty sailor bikini, which seems to at least please Bret physically even though he thinks Mindy needs to learn how to roll with it.
Despite the ridiculous outfits, Bret has a serious question for each of the girls: if he doesn't choose them, who should he choose as his Rock of Love? After declaring they were both the only right choice for Bret, both Jamie and Taya said that Bret would be better off with Mindy. While Taya is certain Mindy will say that she is the Bret's best bet, she's astounded when Mindy tells Bret that she believes Jamie would be a better match for him. With those answers to mull over, Bret sends the girls back to their suite. Lucky for him, Mindy forgot her little sailor hat and came back to him to get it. While Bret is initially excited Mindy returned in her cute little bikini, his happiness is short-lived when she begins talking about Taya again. Stop talking about Taya Mindy, and start talking about yourself! Bret decides he can take no more of the Taya-talk and decides to stop the conversation by sticking his tongue down Mindy's throat. And cue the bow-chica-wow-wow music, because this is a major make-out session between Bret and Mindy! While Bret and Mindy are definitely enjoying themselves, Taya is freaking out about the love-fest going on. Taya says she's crying because "that is my man," but by the looks of it, he's also Mindy's man. Mindy takes a great deal of joy in Taya watching her with Bret, cattily saying "Hey Taya, this is what Bret looks like when he is making out with his girlfriend." Meow!
The next morning, Bret takes Jamie and Taya on the first round of the fantasy dates. For their fantasy date he takes the girls on a helicopter tour of Miami. Everything is all good when they are up in the air and conversation is obscured by the sound of the helicopter rotor, but as soon as the date gets on to the quiet ground it all goes wrong. During a romantic picnic things get tense between Taya and Jamie, with poor Bret just sitting there in the middle. Taya tells Bret that she thinks Jamie is playing a game, while Jamie says that Taya is a liar...wow, this is the least pleasant lunch date ever. However Jamie brings up a good point, Taya is about the least sincere person on television today and she is definitely hiding something. When Bret confronts Taya about her perpetual perfectness, she says "I always try to find the positive in everyone," which leaves Bret wondering if Taya is too much of a people pleaser. I wouldn't say she was a people pleaser Bret, she's a person pleaser, and that person is herself.
The next day Bret has another fantasy date planned, this time with Mindy and Jamie. The fact that Jamie gets to go on both dates, does not sit well with either Mindy or Taya, but Jamie is thrilled. In truth, none of them should be so excited or upset, because Bret's reason for asking Jamie on both is more practical than emotional. Bret has had less time to get to know Jamie since she was a late addition to the show, so he just needs more time with her to make a decision, thus the double dates. For this fantasy date, Bret decides to take the girls on the "most romantic date of all time:" a swamp boat Gator date. And you wonder why you're still single Bret? Truthfully though, it seems like everyone is having a much better time than yesterday's disaster of a date. Both Mindy and Jamie have huge smiles on their faces and Bret is especially happy to see that Mindy is in good spirits. He says that when Mindy is feeling good, things "just feel right with her."
After boating around the swamp and admiring the gators, Bret sits down for a picnic with Jamie and Mindy, and the conversation turns to Taya. Jamie says that she thinks "Taya is crazy. I think she's mental. She's not 29 and she's still a stripper." Jamie, have I ever told you I love you, because I do. Way to not hold back and tell Bret what you really think. Even better? Bret nods in agreement to everything Jamie says. As for her ex-BFF, Mindy says that, "nobody is that perfect. And if you are, that's your flaw--perfection is your flaw." And perhaps the Botox queen's reign is over, because Bret says he's starting to see what everyone else is saying about Taya. When Jamie and Mindy get back to the house, the drama with Taya continues. Jamie asks Taya point blank if she is a stripper and Taya says, "I feature dance, but I don't consider that stripping." Just because you're getting top billing Taya, doesn't change the fact you are still taking of your clothes...and are thus by definition, a stripper.
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--Abbey Simmons, BuddyTV Staff Writer
(Image Courtesy of Vh1)