Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels: Episode 3 Recap
Abbey Simmons
Abbey Simmons
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV
Last week we were disappointed when Episode 2 failed to bring the antics of the premiere of Rock of Love Bus. Now that we've finished watching Episode 3, we are down right petrified that Bret sent home all of the fun crazy during the first eliminations and just kept the certifiably crazy. This week, we find the ladies of Rock of Love Bus heading to Champaign, Illinois. Utah girl Kelsey is thrilled they are heading to Champaign, since "that's the name of her favorite drink." Sorry to disappoint you Kelsey, but nothing in Champaign, IL is going to resemble the bubbly loveliness of champagne--though you may be feeling a bit dizzy after the up-coming challenge.

The tour buses pull right up rink side for the bruising challenge facing the ladies: a game of Baby Bret Ice Hockey. The challenge goes about as well as you think it would. Not many of the ladies of Rock of Love Bus are too adept on skates, it would seem that they wasted all their time learning to balance on stripper shoes instead. Unfortunately for them, they are facing some tough competition: three members of the University of Illinois Women's Hockey Team and ruthless Rock Of Love alumni Lacey. No mercy is shown to the ladies, during the course of the challenge Natasha gets a concussion, Brittanya bleeds from one of her many piercings, and Melissa pops one of her breast implants. Just another day at the Rock of Love Bus Rink. At the end of the challenge, the Pink Team consisting of Maria, Brittaney, Beverly and popped implant girl Melissa, was victorious.


For their hard work and the ruining of their plastic surgery, Bret takes the ladies on a romantic date to his favorite strip club in the Midwest "Big Al's." This is home court advantage for former porn star Brittaney who says she "can't wait to show Bret the real me," before failing at some rudimentary pole dancing. Both Maria and Melissa also show Bret some of their moves on stage and on the pole, while rock'n'roll chick Beverly is having none of it. Despite being dragged on stage by chanting fans and some pressure from Bret Michaels himself, Beverly stands silent and statue-still on the stage corner. It turns out Beverly is a mother of three and petrified what her children will see when the show airs. While Bret feigns sympathy as a parent, he also says that Beverly is being a bit of a buzz kill. It turns out, if you're not willing to shake your naked ass for the world (and your school-age children) to see--you're a buzz kill in Bret's book.

While the winning team is pretending to enjoy themselves at a strip club, the loosing teams are snooping around Brittaney's bed. Last week we learned Brittaney was the crier of this season, and this week we confirmed that she was also absolutely crazy. While searching Brittaney's bed the other women find hoarded food, empty ketchup packets, and a pillow filled with the dirty socks from the day's hockey game. This is pretty much the final straw for the rest of the ladies who are seriously creeped out by Brittaney's weird ways. When she returns from her strip club date, they confront her about the socks and tell her she can't sleep in their room for fear of being killed in their sleep. Brittaney sleeps on the bus, presumably with her pillow filled with dirty socks.

While Brittaney sleeps on the bus, the rest of the ladies are trying to get some shut-eye in a hotel. Well, most of them are...Melissa (she of popped implant) is sneaking a phone call on an illegal cell phone to her boyfriend. Unfortunately, there is nothing sneaky about the call and a number of the other ladies hear Melissa talking shit about Bret. The highlights of the phone call included: "I don't respect him as a person" and "Bret wears hair extensions." Oh no she didn't! You can talk smack about not respecting him as a person, but Bret's golden locks are off limits! The next morning the ladies confront Melissa. While Farrah asks if she has an illegal cell phone, our girl Ashley gets right to the heart of the matter. With great indignation Ashley asks, "More importantly, were you talking about Bret's hair?" While Melissa refuses to answer the girl's accusations, Farrah and Ashely take the story straight to Bret. Bret is also most bothered about the hair comments, as we knew he would be. When he confronts Melissa, it's all bald-faced lies, which Bret sees as total B.S. and what he calls Melissa's "bi-polar roller coaster."

At elimination, Melissa's call is immediately addressed. While Bret jokingly starts the conversation saying "he spent some money on the finest hair extensions from Europe--so go ahead and comment on them," the elimination gets heated quickly. Melissa stands up and says she isn't feeling Bret and wants to leave. Bret takes the time to properly expose her as a player and dismisses her with a "your tour ends here, get the f*ck out." Melissa leaves with both middle fingers in the air and a slowly leaking implant, so I'm pretty sure Bret ended up on top with that one. The first three passes go to Kelsey, Natasha, and Farrah--while the bottom two are Brittaney and Beverly. For a moment we were totally freaked out that Bret was going to send tomboy Beverly home for not stripping on national television, rather than the sock-stealing crazy porn star. Luckily, the sock stealing was just too crazy for Bret who surmised "Brittaney may be too crazy. And not in a rock & roll kind of crazy. Just crazy, crazy." For once Bret, we couldn't agree with you more.

Next week on Rock of Love Bus: the roadie challenge goes terribly wrong for one contestant.


-- Abbey Simmons, BuddyTV Staff Writer
(Image Courtesy of Vh1)