They're back. Oh, wait, no -- they're going AWAY! To Italy, the land of their ancestors, whose legacy they have been publicly bringing shame upon for several years now.
"Why do they get to go? Why not ME?" you might ask yourself. True, it doesn't seem fair that they're being rewarded for all their antics and arrests with a vacation. But we're going with them vicariously, which is good for us as it is bad for Italy. It's like we, America, decided it would be fun if we reached out and wiped our nose all over Italy's face, like, "HERE! Have fun with the hepatitis, Italy! I'll just be over here, laughing at how you handle the symptoms." We're such jerks! But we have fun with it, don't we?
But enough about us -- let's catch up with the Jersey Shore
kids. Before we can see where they're going, we first need to find out where they are
. Everyone still alive? Let's see:
Jersey Shore is available on Amazon Prime.
Since leaving Jersey last season, not much has changed for Snooki, except one thing: she has a boyfriend. A delicate, latte-skinned guido named Jionni, whose eyelashes are even prettier than hers.
Theirs is a tender love, based on mutual respect and shared taste in perfume.Deena:
In the season's first tragic statement about the dangers of fame, after one year on the series, Deena now thinks she's a pop star and is singing everything. She plans to pick up some Italian men, she tell us, "but I won't do sex. You know just, like, figure them out, and then do sex later." The Situation:
is still The Situation. "If she lost some pounds, I'd hit it," he says of Snooki. JWoww:
"...and her boobies are going to Italy!" proclaims JWoww, who is still with her boyfriend, Roger. Ronnie:
"Single Ronnie" is back and just as obnoxious as Abusive Relationship Ronnie. But for how long? Sammi:
Sammi's "motto" for the trip is to not cry and sulk. That's like a fish's "motto" being not to swim and ... not breathe underwater. She won't be able to hold her breath forever.Pauly and Vinny:
are on a crusade to get laid, and try to learn Italian pick-up lines from "Uncle Nino," who barely speaks English himself. It makes sense because it doesn't. That's the world we're living in again -- except now doubly so, because we're sending these tangerine weirdos who already seem like they're from another planet to another, actually mysterious part (to us) of our own planet. How do you translate Guido into Italian, back into Guido, into English? I don't have that kind of degree, so bear with me.
To prepare for the trip, everyone must first load up on hair styling products and get passport photos.
Of course none of them had passports before. (Wait. Does that mean guidos don't go to Cabo for Spring Break?)
Traveling Woes: The boys and girls fly gender-segregated. The more dramatic and sexually charged to make their reunion abroad, after nobody has showered and has been breathing recirculated air for double-digit hours. SEXY! JWoww's bronzer explodes in her suitcase; a brief funeral is held in the Italian airport. The girls cannot physically manage their coffin-sized suitcases, which number in the thousands and go tumbling over each other, so unbalanced and overstuffed by all the nipple tassles and fuzzy cowboy hats they contain.
A normal amount of luggage for 10 weeks abroad.
First Impressions: Pauly instantly says Italy is, "the most beautifulest country I've ever seen." When the boys enter their house, which I learned via my "Jersey Shore" google alert (whoa, APOCALYPSE STATEMENT ALERT!) is an old bank, they are ecstatic to see that they have a jacuzzi inside the house. The better to spread bacteria and get water all over the floor -- they're like babies that way. Everything has exciting potential to make a huge mess. The boys scramble to pick the "best rooms," because this is summer camp for these macaroni rascals. The girls will be so STEAMED when they realize they have to sleep in replicas of the exact same twin beds in slightly different shaped rooms!
Reunited and It Feels So Woof: When the girls arrive at their mansion, which is decorated, Snooki notes, "Italy-style," all smokey eyes are fixed on Sammi and Ronnie's icy greeting. Sammi is immediately attracted to Ronnie's "good"-lookingness. They will get back together, because it is their purpose in life to make each other miserable. Deena decides to room with Pauly and Vinny, and Deena tells us a secret: she wants to be "smush buddies" with Pauly. Don't worry, I'm sure that won't come up again. At least not before they sit down and have an open, mature conversation about how that might affect their friendship. "I just don't want to lose you, you know?" he'll probably say. Isn't Pauly like 35 or something? So much wisdom in those eyes.
Size Matters: JWoww marvels at how her (silicone) boobs look smaller, and Sammi's (silicone?) boobs seem bigger. Snooki declares she wants fake ones, because she hates how hers adhere to the laws of gravity. Pauly almost blows out a fuse using his American blow-dryer to give himself a blow-out. His plug doesn't fit into Italy's holes right, har har! After just one shot of vodka at the house, Ronnie sits on a side table and it immediately, comically collapses. I almost expected someone to come out and hit Ronnie in the face with a cream pie! "THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!" Pauly screams, and then reasons that Ronnie is literally too large for Italy. The infrastructure is smaller than his proportions. Like when Dorothy went to Oz, or when I went to the McDonald's Playplace. At some point this season, he's bound to get trapped inside of something.
The Saga of Snooki's Sex Life Begins: Mike is disappointed to learn that Snooki has a boyfriend, but decides she's "going to be single around here." "You don't know that!" Deena proclaims. Mike: "I'm a guy, and I know." He and Deena debate the nature of knowing: Can I really know what I don't know, or does that negate the not knowing? How do you know when you know, you know? In this case, the 'knowing' is whether or not Snooki will get drunk and hump a stranger, thus ruining her loving, committed relationship. Mike is probably right that she will, but I want to be on Deena's team of blind optimism. It feels like I need some of that right now, just to deal with him.
Foreign Dangers, Metal and Animalian: The
next morning, everyone but Pauly is still trying to adjust to the jet
lag by sleeping in, but their natural instinct to GTL pulls them up.
They discover their cars are stickshift, and Snooki is the only girl who
can drive stick. (Unfortunately she also drives sh*t.) "Finally, I'm
useful for something!" she proclaims. That clip will really come in
handy for every late-night talk show host in the future of forever.
Despite basic logic dictating that it should be highly illegal for any of these people to drive a car in any circumstances (brain damage is forever), let alone in a foreign country, they're allowed to drive. Snooki can barely see over the wheel, and when she can, it makes little difference. The girls get lost, give up and go home, where they are then physically attacked by a pair of pigeons. Even Italian pigeons are different! "They will attack you and they will bite your ears off! I feel like they just don't like you, and they just want to eat your food," Snooki says.
Since they got lost on the way to the gym, Snooki decides to work out at home. Sit-ups, hip thrusts, that kind of thing.
Humpercise! with Snooki
"It looks like she's having sex with herself," says Pauly. (Wait. Guidos don't know what having sex with yourself looks like?) Seriously, that is a highlight of the episode. By their very nature, these moments are really not done justice in writing. But someone needs to document what happens on this show, for posterity!
Mike confides in Ronnie that he and Snooki hooked up two or three months ago, while she was with
her current boyfriend. "It was serious," says Mike, AND, revelation upon revelation: Mike tells Ronnie that now, he "kind of likes her!" What's really serious is the black poodle puppy he's glued to his head and expecting everyone to just accept is his actual hairstyle.
Ronnie is disgusted that Snooki would "f*ck up THAT situation" (her relationship) for "THIS Situation," and Ronnie isn't really one to raise his concerns in a healthy way. He's going to punch his way to a point of understanding. Good idea, confiding in him, Mike, who might also totally be lying about all of this!
Going Out: The only working outlets are in the kitchen, so the girls have to curl and straighten their hair by the counters and sink. "Talk about disgusting," says JWoww. Deena burns some of her hair off -- but don't worry! It's fake. For their first night out in Italy, Sammi is trying to find the "hottest outfit ever" to hit the discotheque in. And: it happens! All the girls are dressed like hookers, to the surprise of no one. To JWoww, Snooki says, "I can see your vagina!" as a compliment. And "if Deena's boobies could talk, they'd be like 'I'm a good time! I'm a blast in a bra!'" says Pauly. Oh, it's ON between those two.
At the Discotheque: Italy's dance parties are better than ours. But the language of casual sex is universal. The boys use Vinny to help translate their female targets' Italian into ... whatever it is they speak. He is the human sex conduit. They need him, and he likes that.
Like Odysseus with the Sirens, Mike wants what he can't have (because it will kill him): Snooki. After asking for a hug and telling her he loves her, Mike's face gets too friendly with Snooki's face, and everyone worries that maybe he won't be respectful toward her relationship during this trip. WHAT? Miiike? Ruining and destroying everything he touches? NO WAY.
We end on an image none of us will be able to scrape from our mind's eye, and that Pauly will not be able to scrape from his gumline: he and Deena, tongue-wrestling.
Like two oversized earthworms, chest-bumping.
Finally, at the end of the episode, comes the preview for the rest of the season. Clubs, sex, club sex, fights in the club (over sex). Road trips, car accidents, sending cops to the hospital and going to jail. Break ups, tears, screaming fits and lots of bleeps. Dishes, fists and offensive words thrown all over the house. Snooki will hate Mike! Ronnie will punch Mike in the head and send him to the hospital -- that we know for sure. And in between, they're get culturally confused and make pizza. Can't wait! What did you think of the premiere of Jersey Shore season 4 in Italy? I'm starting to remember how confusing and overwhelming MIAMI was for them, so Italy, I can only imagine, is going to be insane.
(Images courtesy of MTV)