Tonight on Jersey Shore
: After writing their "anonymous letter" to Sammi, Snooki and JWoww go out and meet some nice young gays, who are out celebrating "Gay Parade," as JWoww calls it.
The adorable gays make Snooki smile, and she's so happy after that she decides to call Emilio and grant him a second chance. But Emilio ruins her gay-buzz by saying ignorant, jealous things about Snook's gays, and even though she explains that "they're not attracted to vagina, they're attracted to ****hole," the second chance is ruined. BYE EMILIO! (AGAIN.)
Then Mike, Vinny and Pauly find some girls at the club who are willing to come home with them.
BFFs DTF with the GTL MVP. SCUBA.
So they all come home, and they've got a situation
as they say. They've got four girls (one of whom is a "hippopotamus," as
say, because they're terrible) at home and only three of
them. Luckily, the "hippopotamus" is sleepy, so everything works out
before it even gets complicated. "Badda bing, badda boom." Badda BANG.
The next day, Mike tells Angelina to do the dishes, but she doesn't do
the dishes, because she's too busy asking her mom over the phone, "How's
my car?" So Mike yells at her for not doing the dishes and threatens to exclude her from ravioli night (NOT RAVIOLI NIGHT!), and she yells
back about how she doesn't care, but then they hug and make up immediately and everything is fine again. Hey
you guys, anyone seen my drama? IT'S MISSING.
Snooki decides to burn all her photos of Emilio, and everyone gathers
around to watch Emilio go down in flames, and they're being so ... so
... what's the word again, Snooki?
"Word of the day: Sympathetic. That's a big word."
Thanks, Snickerdoodle. And you know what that means: It's SINGLE SNOOKI TIME!
OK, now onto the main event of the night. Snooki and JWoww decide to
give Sammi the anonymous letter that outlines all the club-mackin'
Ronnie did in the last couple weeks. THE NOTE. Dun dun dunnnn. "We both
think it's a horrible idea," says JWoww, but they do it anyway. (That
must be a familiar sensation.) They hide the note in her things at
night, and then the next morning get out of the house and go to the
gelato shop before she finds it. Snooki: "We just don't want to deal
with that drama. That we've caused."
The news of the note travels from Sammi to Vinny, from Sammi to Pauly,
from Vinny to Ronnie and from Pauly to Angelina. Vinny and Pauly don't
know anything about it. Angelina is bad at pretending she doesn't know
anything about it. And Ronnie is bad at pretending he didn't do the
things that the note says he did. He's also bad at figuring out who
wrote it, though his reasoning is sound: "I see the word wisely, and I
know Snooki doesn't use that sort of vocabulary."
Ronnie denies making out with anyone in the club. (Cue a triple kiss
flashback.) Sammi believes the note, though, and wants nothing to do
with him. On the phone with Sam, JWoww and Snooki adamantly deny writing
the note, and Mike laughs too hard to be taken seriously as its author,
so that leaves ... Angelina. At least in Sammi's mind. But Mike also
accidentally admits to knowing about the incidents that the note
mentions: "Multiple fat women? I mean, it's the truth ... I mean, if
it's on the paper, it's the truth." If this were a murder mystery game,
they'd all be dead.
Back at the house, Snooki gives the ultimate defense: "I was blacked out
that night." CASE CLOSED. She's innocent. Or is she? (She's not.)
Snooki cannot tell a lie, just like George Washington. But shorter and tanner and with a more limited vocabulary and more of a huge liar. SO ... nothing like George Washington.
That leaves Angelina. JWoww and Snooki clearly intend to pin it on her,
Mafia style. They never liked her anyway. And she sucks. It's the
PERFECT CRIME. Except that Ron somehow knows now it was Snooki and JWoww
who wrote the note, and oh my God, how many times have I written
"note"? I'm so sick of the note. Just like I'm so sick of Ronnie and
Sammi, which finally, FINALLY, Sammi is also so sick of. So she ends it.
After Ronnie calls his ex-girlfriend and asks her to dress
up Varsity Blues
, and also haha
, and also how original
tells him to never talk to her again. With her vice of vengeance on his big baby's chin.
They'll be back together next week. I HOPE! Not because they belong together. But because I'm a masochist.
The girls get in a massive fight over the note
. THE NOTE. THE NOTE. THE NOTE. The [gunshot].
(Images courtesy of MTV)