Time to put the final nail in the coffin of I Love New York 2
. The show BuddyTV ranked the absolute worst show of 2007 returns once more for a reunion special, and thankfully the news that New York has accepted Tailor Made
's proposal implies that, if there is a God, we will all be spared a third season of this trainwreck.
Some girl named LaLa is hosting this reunion. I vaguely recognize her as either an MTV VJ (does MTV even have VJs anymore?) or an R&B star. Or is that JoJo? Anyway, she introduces the whole male cast of the show. Good to see Cheezy
again. New York busts out onto the stage, and the delusions begin.
First up, we remember It
. We see the highlights of his insanity, licking New York and pretending he's on a cell phone. And of course, the flower incident and the possibility that It is personal friends with Larry Fishburne. At the reunion, It pulls some bricks out of a duffel bag and claims he can protect New York, so he breaks the bricks with his hand. It proves that he can act somewhat normal, but then he pulls out some cold French fries to give to New York, but she throws them back in his face. I'm 95 percent certain we're just watching security camera footage from a mental asylum.
Next up, a retrospective on Sister Patterson
. The dominating woman comes out, and I love her the most when she's threatening her daughter's life. Sister Patterson is proud that her daughter chose one of her Mama's Boys, and promises there will not be another installment of I Love New York
. Please let her be right. We revisit Sister Patterson's infatuation with Champion
. At the reunion, she implies that she got busy with Champion after he was eliminated, and when Champion hits the stage, he starts making out with Sister Patterson! New York storms off stage, because she's always upset when the focus is not on her. Champion just wants them all to be one big happy family.
Now it's Midget Mac
time! Sister Patterson is terrified of him, and New York is curious about the practical aspects of having sex with a midget. Midget Mac is proud to be a role model for midgets around the world. Sister Patterson still doesn't think her daughter should ever be with a smaller person.
comes up next, and we're back to his claim that he has a big third leg, if you know what I mean. At the reunion, Wolf takes Sister Patterson behind a curtain to whip his dong out, but she's disappointed when he doesn't do it. But Wolf lives by a code: "Don't pull out my thang, unless you're willing to bang." I believe Thomas Paine led his life based on that same philosophy.
is next up, and there's a whole lot to talk about. He's a sexual freak who shoved New York's foot in his mouth. He lives in his parents' basement. And also, his mom called Sister Patterson a transvestite. He's very upbeat about being called a loser, because he's happy with who he is. The show sent a film crew to see The Entertainer's room in his parents' house. He's living a pretty sad life, constantly doing chores, without a job. He lives in a small room, playing his music, and Mama Entertainer calls him out when he implies that he gets it on in his room.
Now, it's time for a clash of the titans, with Sister Patterson and Mama Entertainer. Mama Entertainer wants to talk like human beings, but Sister Patterson claims she's not human, and Papa Entertainer gets a nice zinger about how she can't be, because Sister Patterson has three eyes. I don't know where this came from, but suddenly Papa Entertainer is all up in this, and it results in a shouting match about how trashy New York and her mother are, and the ladies prove them right by acting like trash.
It's time for the big, smart, muscular guys, Punk
. Punk calls her out on saying the same things to all three finalists, but New York tries to defend herself, poorly. Then Buddha calls her out on wanting someone she can dominate, the same way her mom treats her, hence, she didn't choose either of the big, strong black men. Punk and Buddha are both great, smart, rational people, and again, I question why they're even on this show, because either would make suitable leading man on a more professional dating show like The Bachelor
. Speaking of which, when is that show gonna get a black Bachelor? That would be interesting.
The man of the hour-and-a-half, Tailor Made, comes out. The contestants call him out, and Tailor Made tries to be above the fray, while also throwing insults, calling Buddha a male escort. The men call Tailor Made out on spitting on other guys, which Tailor Made deflects. He really is the perfect choice for New York. Mr. Wise
threatens Tailor Made's life, regretting the fact that he didn't hit him. Even LaLa supports Mr. Wise, but then, out of nowhere, Mr. Wise jumps onto the stage and tackles Tailor Made. Security pull him off quickly, but wow, that was crazy.
New York and Tailor Made meet each other and begin making out, disgustingly. He drops the bomb that, after the show ended, New York and Tailor Made moved in together, violating the show's rules. New York cries talking about how much she loves him. It's odd, because New York seems genuine talking about how she actually cares for Tailor Made's daughter, and even his ex-wife. He gives her a present: his divorce papers.
Tailor Made doesn't want to wait 24 months, so he pulls the ring out again. New York's answer to this proposal is exactly what you'd expect from her: "Life is short and I'm a grown-ass woman. Yes, I want it!"
And that does it for I Love New York 2
. I'll hopefully see you next week for the premiere of Rock of Love 2
, and on February 11 for the premiere of Flavor of Love 3
. So if you love drunk girls dancing on stripper poles, or ladies dropping a deuce on the stairs, come on back to BuddyTV, your home for in-depth coverage of all the trashiest VH1 reality dating shows.
-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of VH1)