At dinner: Julien and Vanessa gab about obscure classic theater and movies and books, and Serena weakly tries to contribute. She fails. Nate decides to cut his losses and get out of the most obnoxious dinner party ever, but Vanessa stays to hear about the play. On second thought, Julien decides Nate had the right idea, and he goes to get the check. While he’s gone, Vanessa tells Serena that Julien is annoying, pompous, and self-absorbed (which is why they have so much in common). But S still wants to hit that, so she hatches a “Cyrano”-esque plan, and asks Julien for some extra character-coaching the next day.
Dan asks Jenny about the note from Rachel, and Jenny breaks the news that Rufus found it. Cut to Rachel lighting candles, waiting for her high school lover to show up. Instead she gets the older Humphrey, who gives her the stone-cold treatment, hands back her key, and leaves. The teacher just got schooled.
Rufus then tells Dan that it’s over between him and teacher, but Dan pulls the “I’m 18 and I can do what I want!” speech. Rufus calls him shortsighted. I still call him a big fat hypocrite.
Serena and Julien are practicing her lines, and he attempts to engage a high school girl in a conversation about the film adaptation of the Great Gatsby. Luckily, Serena’s got a Bluetooth with Vanessa on the other end, which keeps her head above water in the conversation. But as Vanessa is giving Serena flirty intellectualisms, Nate walks in behind her and thinks she’s actually nerding it on with Julien over the phone. He gets all Charlie Brown and shuffles away. Just then, S gets a text from Gossip Girl, who now leaks that S only got into Yale because she’s a celebutante with a press release opportunity. The saboteur is out for S, too!
Elle and Chuck confront Carter by his car. Chuck wants Carter’s help getting Elle a passport. Elle gets into the car with Carter to go see his “passport guy,” but Carter flashes his club-insignia-tattoo, says, “We’ll take care of her,” and drives off. This is getting more ridiculous by the minute. Chuck Bass deserves better than this storyline.
It’s opening night, and Blair is still humiliated over the Yale fiasco. Dorota tells her to pour it into the role. Just then, S pops in and blames Blair for the GG blast about Yale (Did you catch how she’s doing exactly the same thing B just did to Vanessa?). “Betrayal is in your nature,” S tells B, but B didn’t do it. S leaves, and Blair tracks it all back to Dan.
Dan and Rachel meet in the hallway, and they run into the costume closet where they won’t be seen. Dan’s emotions get the best of him (what else is new?) and he pounces on the cougar. She resists for about 0.5 seconds. And then they’re doing it in the costume closet. Classy.
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