Gossip Girl Recap: The Freshman 15 Reasons to Hate Serena
Gossip Girl Recap: The Freshman 15 Reasons to Hate Serena
Meghan Carlson
Meghan Carlson
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
It's college time in Gossip-land, and that means nothing remotely normal, as usual! While Blair puts on her "confidence headband," Dan grabs his "comfort bagel," and they both head to NYU. Serena is busy fake-packing her tube tops for Brown, but oops! She's not going to Brown, because that would mean filming in Rhode Island. Yeeeesh. So she got in, but now she's dropping out. Why didn't the Gossip Girl writers just get Serena into a college in NYC? I don't know, maybe they too deferred from their dream schools on the whim of becoming screenwriters, which explains why that sounds like a plausible and good idea to them, and also why sometimes this show makes no damn sense.

Read the Best and Worst Quotes and Moments of Gossip Girl 3.02, "The Freshmen."

Serena gets a text from Lily saying what a proud mother she is that her celebutante world-known-whore of a daughter is going to college, and Rufus comes in to say the same, and Serena is like, "Thanks!" When really she wants to say, "Ugh, I hate you, you're not my dad, you just don't understand, GET OUT OF MY ROOM!"

Chuck sees off Blair into her limo after she insists that she will conquer NYU just like she conquered Constance. Hope she packed some stiff weed and a fake ID machine, then, because the other cultural collateral she's got to offer the patchouli packs and flannel friends of NYU just won't cut it.

Meanwhile, at a coffee shop, Dan is daydreaming about swimming through an ocean of Lily's gold coins (a la Scrooge McDuck) when another NYU freshman hears him pronouce his full name to the barista, because when DON'T you tell them your full name? She recognizes The Humphrey Humph's moniker from The New Yorker, and she looooved his story! She invites him to be in her lunch time writers' group, which happens to meet in this coffee shop tomorrow.

Serena knocks on Chuck's door and tells him she needs a place to crash while she pretends to be at Brown, and he tells her in oddly precise detail about his plans to buy an art deco building and turn it into a speakeasy. Chuck wanted to keep the plan secret until he had investors, but for some reason now decides to tell his friend who always manages to ruin everything. He's meeting potential backers tonight, and asks that she is not in the house. This should end well.

At NYU: Blair wrangles up some unsuspecting non-New Yorkers for gift bags and indoctrination, but is interrupted by her new roommate, Georgina, who has recently "redefined" her relationship status with Jesus. I heard they went from "In a Relationship" to "It's Complicated." G insists it's a coincidence that she and Blair ended up roomies. About as much of a coincidence that Vanessa ended up in a room just down the hall. It's not a coincidence that Blair's illogical gut reaction to this news is to throw an elaborate sushi party in her dorm common room, so she calls Dorota to book the caterer.

Later, at the college bookstore, Dan runs into Vanessa, whom he's been avoiding since she knocked over the social ladder he'd been trying to climb. They make up in 2 seconds, and Georgina comes over to try to make friends again. Dan says "Thanks but no thanks, because I remember the time that you drugged my ex-girlfriend, and the time you said your name was Sarah and seduced me, and also the time that you blackmailed my ex-girlfriend and made her think she was a murderer, so NO I will not get coffee with you, you crazy, crazy bitch." Vanessa is like, "Weren't we a bit harsh?" even though she literally said nothing that whole time, but darn it if she doesn't love the view from atop that high horse! So she gallops over to Georgina, and they're going to get some coffee, because screw you and your perfect memory of psychopathic life-destroyers, Dan. Sometimes people change. On this show that usually means they get more terrible.

Oh hey, it's Nate! I almost, blissfully, forgot about Nate. He's in a naked wrestling match with his new girlfriend, and he's so boring that she still refuses to be seen with him in public. Poor Natalie said he was good at secret relationships before, but he was lying, and now he's an over-analyzing, needy little thing, so Bree devises a fool-proof strategy: they will spend 24 WHOLE hours together to "speed through" the relationship and get sick of each other, so Nat-Nat will see that they're not perfect pumpkin glitter-smile soulmaids. Fool. Proof.

Right on schedule, Serena shows up to Chuck's business meeting and ruins everything by telling the investor that Chuck wants to turn the space into a sleazy club. Chuck spits all over her stupid face and calls her the train wreck that she is. I do a vigorous dance of victory, fist-pumping the air in vicarious pleasure and scorn, hoping this lesson will sink in, but knowing it will not. Serena leaves.

Blair's sushi party commences, but what she doesn't know is that in Gossip Girl world, NYU has only one dorm: a bizarro world where the 19-year-old residents all love garden documentaries and hate free sake and sushi. So no one comes to Blair's party, too busy are they watching Vanessa's never-before-seen-besides-by-herself-and-Dan student films.

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Gossip Girl Recap: The Freshman 15 Reasons to Hate Serena