'Gossip Girl' Recap: Shower of Dirt
'Gossip Girl' Recap: Shower of Dirt
This week on Gossip Girl, Louis tries desperately to prove to Blair that her friends are horrible people while the members of the Non-Judgmental Breakfast Club try desperately to save her wedding shower.

As if we didn't have enough reasons to hate Prince Louis, what with him breaking up our favorite couples, his one stern facial expression and his undecipherable lisping accent this episode sealed our hatred forever. You can mess with Blair and Chuck (or Blair and Dan, if that is your thing) but you cannot mess with Blair and Serena. How dare you sir! Thankfully, the true love shared by our favorite foursome won out in the end, just like every love story between a group of dysfunctional rich snobs. Nate breaks up with Diana because he thinks she outted all his friends, Chuck dives into the shark-infested waters of Blair's wedding shower to pull out a drunk-as-a-fish Daniel Humphrey and Serena might send thousands of Gossip Girl tips but she also throws one hell of a Breakfast at Tiffany's themed party.

One of the best episodes of the season focused on what makes the show so endlessly addictive and oddly touching: the mix of malicious scheming and the power of friendship. It was great to see Serena and Blair's friendship take center stage for a change. Even better though was the lonely hearts convention between Dan and Chuck. The combination of those two has been hilarious for years but this season they've really shone in all their scenes together. If it doesn't work out between Blair and one of the two boys, maybe they can just settle down together. They already have a dog and it's legal for them to marry in New York now.

Ivy League Extortion

After Googling (what, no Bing? Where is your loyalty to product placement, Gossip Girl?) Serena last week and coming up with Charlie it looked like Max was about to out Ivy. Finally, the audience cheered. We stopped caring about Ivy about five seconds after she was introduced. But not so fast! Ivy thinks on her feet for the first time since we've seen her and spins a tale about harsh mom Carol forcing her to change her name to rid her of the Rhodes stink of multiple millionaire marriages.

Lily, who is too busy this episode being super fantastic and laughing at everyone else's pain, buys it. Afterwards she probably goes on Amazon and posts another mean anonymous review of Dan's failing book. The amount of joy she took out of Gossip Girl's jab at Dan in the opening moments of the episode was probably the most amused we've ever seen Lily. Like I said, she's the episode MVP this week.

Of course, Ivy's plan falls apart and Max finds out she's not really Charlie Rhodes. She tries to buy him off with a huge diamond ring from the wedding shower and $50,000 to start his own restaurant, but now Max has gotten a taste of the good life too. And the good life is called Serena van der Woodsen and requires an additional $500,000. Serena's not a cheap date. Looks like Charlie might need to book another acting job quickly.

Nate Archibald: Internet Wiz

The most unbelievable aspect of the episode is Nate's storyline. So let's just get right to all the things that are completely beyond the realm of possibility.

First of all, how did Eric van der Woodsen, off-screen in his new college plotting Revenge from the Hamptons, break back into Gossip Girl? The site that has a stalker map complete with video streams can be hacked twice by the same person who only showed moderate internet ability? (I mean, Jenny was the one who had to Bing cancer for god's sake!)

Secondly, despite hinting at more of a sordid past, this whole Grandfather and Diana saga still makes so little sense. So she was sent in to make Nate respectable by opening a tabloid, banging him and then eventually promoting him to editor in chief? Of a tabloid? For respect?

Thirdly, Nate is far too competent in this episode. I don't believe that Nate even knows how to open MS Paint, let alone build a whole website with a search function. More importantly, what 20-year-old is made Editor-in-Chief of anything? I'm not even sure Nate is literate.

Poor Nate's whole storyline was unbelievable from start to finish. But it did leave some intrigue. Is this the end of Elizabeth Hurley: professional cougar? And what is her shocking history with Grandfather (caps always necessary)? Looks like we'll have to wait to find out.

The Man of Action

Chuck starts out the day in a terrible way by bumping into the psychotic mini gossip girls. Mini-Blair has adapted accordingly by wearing an intensely insane hot pink hat on her head, so I guess she got the memo that Blair is the princess of stupid hats now. They zing him about Blair making the right choice and Chuck threatens to sic Monkey on them. "He's trained to go after fake Prada," he says, in one of his million zingers of the episode. Chuck was really on fire this week with the witty one liners.

Next he has to deal with a sullen Dan Humphrey, upset over his non-invite to Blair's wedding shower and complaining about Serena's vendetta against his pathetic life. So the two bro it out in typical Chuck Bass style: scotch, weed, delicious snacks and The Matrix. The Dan and Chuck interaction this episode was priceless. Chuck advises Dan to stop whining about his life and become a man of action, then he hires him some hookers. You know you've made it into Chuck's inner circle of friends when he hires you a prostitute. That's the universal symbol of Chuck Bass' friendship.

Unfortunately, Dan bounces out of Chuck's suite without the hookers but armed with Chuck's flask to go yell at not Serena, but Blair at her own wedding shower. He wonders why Blair hates him since he portrayed her pretty well in his book. After Chuck drags him out of the party they have a heart to heart on a New York City porch stoop, like Carrie and Miranda from Sex and the City. Chuck is disgusted that his Armani-covered derriere is touching filthy concrete but sympathetic when he realizes Dan is in love with Blair. They commiserate over Blair's choice of neither of them and then Chuck drags Dan off the stoop. But not before re-buttoning his suit jacket; he's not an animal.

The Value of Friendship

Meanwhile, the centerpiece around which all these events turn is Blair's wedding shower as thrown by Serena. Louis begins the episode by trying to undermine Blair's friendships. He thinks her friends are backstabbing her and thinks a Gossip Girl blast about Blair's pregnancy test proves one of her friends sent in the tip. Blair, of course correctly, calls out his scheming sister Beatrice but he fails to believe it.

Blair tries to extort information about the shower from her minions but Serena has prepared for that scenario and told them all to give her contrary information. Why Blair believes that Serena would cater her wedding shower with gyros and Italian ices is beyond me. Blair has probably gotten closer to a gyro that one time she held one in her hand and then threw it away than Serena has been in her entire life.

This feeds Blair's paranoia about Louis being right and her friends not really understanding her. Meanwhile Serena is trying to put out the fire that Nate has started implausibly with his Gossip Girl tip collection site. She points out, reasonably, that just because Nate has never sent in a tip to Gossip Girl doesn't mean she and Blair and everyone else they know hasn't. While Nate promises not to upload the site to the Spectator, Louis overhears and takes the trouble to upload it anyway.

This ruins the wonderful wedding shower Serena throws for Blair, complete with Audrey Hepburn wait staff and Tiffany boxes. Serena gives a beautiful, heartfelt toast to Blair and their friendship wearing a dress that literally had a weird reverse-mullet situation going on. I cannot describe how insane this dress really is, but suffice it to say that it made the bright orange bow and glitter number that Blair was wearing look tame and normal in comparison.

Blair recovers her Beautiful Mind-esque knowledge of scheming in time to realize Louis was the one to put up the page. She correctly points out that Louis is going insane in a really stiff, boring way and says she needs some time away to reevaluate their relationship. At least when Chuck went on downward spirals they were action packed and included hookers, blow and jumping off buildings. Louis is going insane but in like the least interesting way possible.

As the episode winds down, Blair and Serena share cake and compare their Gossip Girl tip tallies. It's a fun, adorable scene. Serena then has to explain to Blair that Chuck crashed the party to save the party and off Blair goes to Chez Bass again.

"You've really been good this whole time haven't you?" she asks a surprised Chuck. Meanwhile, Gossip Girl herself addresses her readers and apologizes for the leak. "Try as you might to fight it, you know you love me," she says. I wonder if that applies to any other relationships on the show?

What did you think of the episode? Are you rooting for Blair and Chuck (seen together in therapy next week) or Blair and Dan? How boring IS Prince Louis? And have we seen the last of Elizabeth Hurley? Sound off in the comments!

Best Tweets About the Episode

Morgan Glennon
Contributing Writer

(Image courtesy of The CW)