This week on Gossip Girl
, the car crash in the mid-season finale continues to have repercussions for all our favorite Upper East Siders. The person I'm most worried about having undiagnosed brain trauma, though, is Blair.
After making a deal with God, who she's used in the past as her own personal favors Pez dispenser, she decides to go through with the wedding to Louis after all. Because if she doesn't, God will use his God-magic and strike Chuck dead with a lightning bolt or a cab or something. I know it seems like I'm recapping this decision to be stupider than it is, but I assure you I am not.
Basically, the show has cribbed the plot element from the movie, The End of the Affair
, despite how little sense it makes. Even after a traumatic crash, a miscarriage and whatever tragedy is going on with her hair this season, I refuse to believe Blair Waldorf would ever act this stupid. With Blair acting like a Lifetime movie of the week heroine and Chuck teaming up with Louis for no reason, Nate and Serena are left the smart ones of this group. Nate and Serena. Let that sink in for a moment.
Needless to say, this is fairly close to my least favorite outing Gossip Girl
has ever put forth. Usually when Gossip Girl
pulls out ridiculous plot twists, they are at least mildly hilarious. Now I'm longing for the days of coke-fueled snuff films and killer wolves.
Stalking and Fake Affairs
The episode begins on a strange note. Chuck is walking Monkey through the fog and stumbles upon Prince Louis, talking even weirder than usual. Apparently, feeling the lisp wasn't enough, Louis has taken to smoking 10 packs of cigarettes a day for a more sexy throat cancer kind of sound.
The beginning is so strange that I have the words "dream sequence?" in my notes. I guess the writers decided that pretending they were going to kill off Chuck was too obvious and it was better to just jump right in to a few months later with him alive?
Louis takes Chuck back to Casa Waldorf, because his trusting personality apparently has the reins today. I'm putting forward that Louis has some sort of United States of Tara
multiple personality situation going on the way he switches back and forth between oblivious and insanely jealous. Except that would mean that Louis would have to have a personality, which he still does not.
Chuck and Blair have a very awkward encounter where we learn Blair has been avoiding him like the plague. In case you forgot that a few short months ago Blair and Chuck were making out in limos, boy do we have a bunch of sepia-toned flashbacks for you!
To make a long, borderline-boring story short, Louis and Chuck join forces to try to find out what Blair has been doing with her free time. Where has she been sneaking off to in the dead of night? Turns out it has something to do with Dan Humphrey. Maybe that explains her hair?
Seeing them together, Louis and Chuck assume she's having an affair, which would at least explain why her hair has seemingly committed suicide. Of course, it's something much, much stupider than that, but at least Louis is stopped from humiliating Blair in public for the billionth time. At the very least, this storyline gives us a glimpse of Chuck stalking Blair from a limo, which is the thing that Chuck is best at doing.
Are you there, God? It's me, Blair
Serena really came out of this episode as the most intelligent person in any particular room, which is a frightening sentence to type without irony. First she wants no part of becoming the new Gossip Girl, despite the fact that everyone now sends their tips directly to her. Instead, she's working on a best of the year list, which means that she really IS a blogger. That's basically all blogs do from December through January. More specifically, the article is for The Spectator
, which Nate is still running in his cute little business suits. The Spectator
is having a New Year's Eve party, and Serena is hoping that Blair will attend since she hasn't seen much of her.
At the party, Chuck and Louis pin Serena down and show her a bunch of pictures of Dan and Blair together. Serena thinks it does look pretty bad, but then says the most logical thing anyone has ever said on this show: "I'll just ask her directly." What? Serena, don't you know that on Gossip Girl
, every simple question must be asked with a complicated Rube Goldberg-esque scheme? What show do you think you're on?
But soon Serena is probably sorry she asked. Blair's answer as to why she's been spending so much time with Dan? They've been at church. She's been at church so often that she has her own key to the church. Back in overdramatic flashback-ville, Chuck is dying and Blair is praying that if Chuck makes it through she'll do anything, including actually marrying Louis instead of being with Chuck. Just at that moment, a nurse walks into the chapel bathed in light like she's in a light yogurt commercial to announce that Chuck is alive.
"B, that nurse wasn't an angel," Serena says gently, like you would to a person having a nervous breakdown. "That wasn't a miracle. That was modern medicine." Serena is the voice of reason. Serena van der Woodsen. This is the same person who couldn't tell the difference last year between a picture of herself and someone with a vaguely similar hairstyle. She's now the brains of the operation here. Blair says that she considered going back on her word but then saw a cab almost run Chuck over, which was clearly a sign of God's displeasure with her romantic choices or whatever. I just...I can't.
Despite finding Blair's story ridiculous, she agrees to cover and tells everyone that she and Dan are seeing each other again, which leads to an amazing conversation between Chuck and Dan. Dan explains that they were nervous to tell Chuck because he is "kind of like her brother." "So are you," Chuck replies. BASS BURN! At least someone else remembers that Dan and Serena are vaguely related.
Finally, Blair goes to see Chuck and tells him that she's proud of the man that he's become. She hopes her completely irrational dumping of him for no reason whatsoever doesn't impact his positive growth. Chuck just wants to know what is going on. The scene is marvelously acted by Ed Westwick and Leighton Meester, like everything, but what they're working with is so ridiculous even they can barely save the scene.
"This love does not just disappear," Chuck says, but Blair will have none of it. "Some things are more powerful than even you. Just because we can't be together doesn't mean I won't still love you," Blair says sadly. I feel sad that this is the episode that Vera Wang agreed to guest star in. I'm sorry, Vera.
Are you there, Gossip Girl? It's me, Nate
In lighter storylines about mechanical tampering and attempted murder, Sherlock Archibald is on the case! Have no fear! It's elementary, my dear Serena!
In the middle of throwing his rocking New Year's Eve bash, Nate takes some time out to get anonymous text messages asking him to look into the car accident. Since everyone else's New Year's resolutions are to be as dumb as possible, someone needs to take up thinking for the team. Unfortunately for everyone, it seems that someone is Nate.
Soon Nate is off, looking through Serena's emails and comparing pictures of the paparazzi to his very scientific "close enough for accident?" equation. Nate is starting to think that something fishy is going on. There's something rotten in the state of New York and Sherlock Archibald is off to find it. He stops short of finding himself a hunting cap and monocle, but there's always next week.
He tracks down the driver, who mentions that despite checking the breaks, they felt like they'd been tampered with. A CLUE! Then he discovers that Blair and Chuck had gotten into the wrong limo. They were in the one meant for him. Sacrebleu! Finally, he texts back his anonymous source who is none other than Gossip Girl herself! Looks like there might be a Gossip Girl/Nate partnership in the making. Whether this is a good or bad thing for either party remains to be seen.
Meanwhile, with Gossip Girl laying low, Serena finally decides that she should use her new powers for good and not evil. So she'll be going through the tips sent her way and trying to post them with a "positive spin". Let's start the countdown clock until she becomes Perez Hilton. Serena as the new Gossip Girl? It's an interesting development in an episode very, very short of them.
Maybe she can use her new Gossip Girl powers to track down the real Charlie Rhodes in Julliard. If only Lily had just hired Andrew Tyler, the only private detective in all of New York, before now, the whole Charlie/Ivy plot could have been one episode long.
What did you think of tonight's episode? Was I too harsh on it? Do you think that Chair will ever work out their issues? Will Blair really go through with the wedding? And what about Dan? Are you rooting for him to get with Blair or reunite for real with Serena? Sound off in the comments!