This week on Gossip Girl
, Blair tries to escape her fate but Louie is hot on her heels like a lisping Terminator with less personality. Sensing a disturbance in the force, which is Blair Waldorf wearing a sweatshirt, the non-judging breakfast club reunite for one night only to fight crime, hit on cater waitresses and look stunning in formal attire. Once again, a spinoff I would much rather be watching than this episode of Gossip Girl.
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While our favorite Upper East Siders are on detective duty (hard when the two brains Chuck has to work with are Nate and Serena) Dan is trying to help Blair escape the country. Finally, he makes Blair realize she values him the same way he's become irresistible to Serena this season: through yelling and being condescending.
The bright spot of this week's uneven outing was the always fantastically evil Georgina Sparks. She is everywhere at once this episode like she is popping out of magical portals and it is delightful. I hope she stays around forever, trapping a new person in the closet every week with children's snacks.
Always Check the Roof
Serena's spider sense is tingling the minute the episode opens where last week's 100th extravaganza left off. She's looking everywhere for Blair with no luck. She checks with Rufus and Lily, whose moves like Jagger we are cruelly (or perhaps kindly?) never to see on the dance floor. She checks with Eleanor, who I never realized until this episode is actually twelve feet tall. Seriously, how Sophie managed to threaten Eleanor with a serious face while talking directly into her belly button is a thing that only the formidable Joanne Whalley could pull off.
Finally, Serena checks the roof but has no luck. Chuck is shocked that Serena would check the roof, which is hilarious because the roof is Chuck's favorite place to have his melodramatic hissy fits. Sadly, Blair is not up there yelling her name and dropping liquor bottles on poor unsuspecting pedestrians below.
Instead Blair is at the airport, trying to Elizabeth Taylor her way out of the marriage. How does one do that? Oh, they just go to the Dominican Republic, where divorces fall from the sky. Please don't think overly hard about most of the plots from tonight's episode, for I worry you might come down with whatever brain tumor is slowly eating away Blair's sense this season.
She appears at the airport in the least conspicuous way possible, which of course is in her full bridal gown. When someone recognizes her she says that she's actually a stand in for Blair and the prince. To which extra girl confidently proclaims that she knew because while the "real Blair" is much prettier, Dan is a "terrible" prince stand-in.
My Kingdom for a Dowry
While Blair is hiding out in the airport in a tacky "I Love New York" shirt and sweatshirt, thus bringing the apocalypse ever closer, Eleanor is completely in the dark. Sophie thinks she can ferret out Blair's location from her mother but is having no luck. In fact, the only one who does know is Rufus because Dan called him from the airport to apprise him of the situation.
Finally sick of being twenty feet shorter than Eleanor, like everyone is, Sophie drops the concerned parent act. If Blair doesn't go through with her marriage with Louie for a least a year, the pre-nuptial agreement that Blair's lawyer step-father somehow allowed her to sign means that they have to pay a huge dowry. Again, don't think too hard, fair viewers. The writers certainly didn't. Also, just because you cleverly wink at the audience that you know the concept of a dowry is antiquated and stupid doesn't mean that using a dowry as a plot point isn't the same.
So Sophie and Louie, now displaying even less emotion than he has previously all season like some kind of French terminator, are after Blair. Thankfully for them, they have help in the form of Gossip Girl herself, who sends them the info they need to find the fleeing princess.
Georgina the Spy
When Serena and Chuck hear that Blair is at the Empire Hotel they commandeer Nate's new love interest to drive the getaway car from the hotel. Nate, tired of always being a bridesmaid but never the bride, has decided to resort to physical labor in order to win real Charlie Rhodes' affection. This is the darkest moment of Nate's life. Lola is totally down escorting a car full of psychopaths to go hang out with a runaway princess because why not? This is the exact moment I start to like Lola.
At the Empire they don't see Blair but instead find the incarnation of all that is evil in this world in eyeliner and sequins: Georgina Sparks. "This is Georgina Sparks, she's pretty much the worst person you'll ever meet, so avoid eye contact at all costs," Nate tells Lola. Georgina looks proud and I fall a little bit further in love with her. Please, never leave us Georgina.
Chuck doesn't buy Georgina's line about wanting to help Blair and feeling bad about the video leak at the wedding. Meanwhile, Serena calls Dan to see what's going on at the wedding and he lies to her about seeing Louie and Blair together. Serena believes Dan because Serena believes everyone. It's like how my dog falls for that trick where you pretend to throw the ball, but then don't, every single time. Georgina tries to tell Serena that Dan is crazy good at lying now but when she gets a text about Dorota she's off to the races to go lock her in a closet.
Later we learn the shocking secret from last week that Georgina might be Gossip Girl has more twists than we'd imagined. See Georgina is Gossip Girl...currently. She took over where the old Gossip Girl left off after Blair and Chuck's accident. Which makes sense and is kind of great. Now all the Upper East Side gossip will be going to Georgina Sparks and her partner in crime husband, who is quickly becoming my favorite character on the show.
She already knows one explosive secret: who sent the video of Blair confessing her love to Chuck at the wedding. It wasn't Serena and it wasn't Chuck. Looks like it might have been Dan, looking like a creepy stalker at the end of the episode, a role that used to be reserved primarily for Chuck Bass. But for my money I'm going to say it was Rufus, if only because he has nothing better to do. Or perhaps it was Cece, hiding under one of the reception tables with a cell phone and bottle of gin.
Chuck and Serena finally track Dan and Blair to the crappy hotel they were forced to stay in while Dorota was getting Blair's passport. They come in right on the tail-end of a big blow out fight in which both Blair and Dan acted entitled and ridiculous about which person with terrible hair was being worse to the other. Congratulations, it's a tie: you're both awful!
Serena freaks out that Dan lied to her, despite all the evidence always pointing to the fact that Dan was lying to her. Even Blair has no idea why Dan wouldn't tell Serena, her best friend, her whereabouts. But down in the bar, where Serena finally grows a Dan-related backbone for five seconds she hits the nail on the head. Dan just wanted to be Blair's knight in shining armor and her ONLY shoulder to cry on.
Dan accuses Serena of being upset he hasn't answered the "I love you" bomb she dropped at the wedding. But, as she rightly points out, he already has. Of course, since he's been nothing but horrible to her all season, I have no idea why she thought this was going to go any differently. I'm sure it was the flattering portrayal of her in his book that just reeled her back into his tangled hair-web of passion.
Up in the room, Serena takes the fall for sending out the video which we later learn she was doing just to protect Chuck and get him back together with Blair. Serena tells Blair she's angry that she would go off with Dan knowing the way Serena feels about him. I can't tell if Serena and Blair are in a fight or not. They only see each other for approximately five seconds an episode this season anyway, so how would we even tell?
With everyone else finally gone, Chuck tries to convince Blair to run away with him. Only problem? Sophie has found Blair's hideaway and tells her Eleanor will be ruined trying to pay the dowry. Chuck is like "Dowry? First God and now a dowry? What is my life?"
Chuck offers to buy Blair out of her loveless marriage with his million billion dollars so they can finally be together. But now Blair, who was willing to marry a man she barely even liked for a sparkly princess crown, is all about female empowerment or something. I don't know. She says when and if they ever get together they should do it as equal partners. Translation: we'll probably get another season and we need to keep dragging this thing out. Chuck softly bashes his head against the window. I can't wait to see what deity will weigh in on Chuck and Blair next.
At casa Waldorf Eleanor considers body-checking Louie into the hospital but Blair refuses to let the dowry ruin them financially. So Blair dons once more the stupid hat that signifies she is with Louie and they kiss for the cameras.
Next week it's Valentine's Day and everyone goes insane and hopefully Georgina lights something on fire or shoots someone with an actual cupid arrow.
What did you think of tonight's episode? Are Dan and Blair starting to grow on you? Still hoping that Chuck and Blair will overcome this newest obstacle? Sound off in the comments!