This week on Gossip Girl
Dan crashes Chuck's fight club, Blair fails to hide her pregnancy and Serena and Nate succeed in recruiting more crazy people into the Upper East Side.
If there was a theme in this episode of Gossip Girl
it might be failure. Ivy/Charlie fails to resist the siren allure of Serena's shiny, shiny hair and money. Blair, in a bid to convince everyone she's not bulimic, manages to tell just about everyone that she's actually pregnant.
Nate fails to see that the attractive cougar he's willing to whore his mother out for frenzied stair sex is looking at him like an actual cougar would its prey. And Chuck? Well it turns out that Chuck is not only the worst member of Fight Club ever but also has a really lame safe word. It's disappointment all around for our favorite Upper East Side elite.
Who's Your Daddy? No, Really. Who?
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Blair starts the episode emotionally traumatizing Dorota's pregnancy doctor and then just sort of spirals out from there until she ends the episode crying in Brooklyn. Turns out I was wrong last week and Dorota really is pregnant and super excited to learn that Blair is too. She's probably imagining all the 'My Dictator/Employer and Me' Lamaze classes they can take together.
In the meantime, Blair is freaking out all over the place. At the Ascension Feast she just wants to get back into a confessional like that one time in the first season so she can undoubtedly give God a list of things she wants and needs like he's Santa. When the priest tells her there's no confession she consoles herself with yelling at a statue of the Virgin Mary instead. But soon someone even more fun to yell at comes along in the form of Dan Humphrey.
All episode everyone is crawling all over Blair in their concern for her fake bulimia, until she finally snaps at Dan that she's pregnant. This leads to a sweet scene at the end of the episode where Blair tells him she thinks the father is Louis (what show do you think you're ON Blair?) and Dan tell her she should find out for sure. She's keeping the baby because no matter what, it was conceived out of love. Cue the Chair shippers squeeing.
"What if I lose everything?" Blair asks sadly. "You'll still have me," Dan answers and hugs her close and smells her hair and writes a million stories in his mind about Claire Walden.
Vengeance Is The New Black
All Blair wants is to keep a lid on her pregnancy and stop throwing up over everything including food and strong smells. There's no such luck there though because Louis' sister is coming to visit in a cloud of noxious perfume and buttery snacks.
Louis' thinks his sister Beatrice will love Blair because she's usually on the opposite side of the fence as their mother. At first it seems that he's right too. Beatrice is all air kisses and shopping and talking in that same barely-understandable accent that Louis uses that makes me curse the fact that I never figured out where the closed-captioning button was on my remote.
Her sweetness to Blair is not only cloying and barely-understandable but also entirely fake. Unlike her real royal namesake who just wears really ridiculous hats to weddings, this Beatrice wants the wedding to ruin Louis. Or at least make him pass the title onto her so she can...I don't' know. Do the royalty do anything in Monaco? Whatever it is that people with the title do, that's what Beatrice wants.
She thinks that uncovering Blair's bulimia will do the trick and make Louis step down to protect her from the stress and pressure. When she figures out Blair is pregnant, however, she helps Blair cover it up. Why? Because, as she explains to the priest she's flown out for the Ascension feast, Blair being pregnant will just please Princess Sophie. "Vengeance becomes you" says the maybe fake priest, before they start making out furiously. Huh? What is happening there?
Rhodes Women Must Stick Together
Over in Sunny LA, Serena spends the entire episode borderline stalking Charlie/Ivy despite the fact that Ivy is giving her some serious blow-off vibes. But Serena has never had anyone reject her in her entire life, and so she does not pick up on these less-than-subtle clues.
After Ivy/Charlie mentions she has an annoying roommate as a way to get Serena off her case, Serena decides she must rescue Charlie immediately. This means that she drags Charlie off to go apartment hunting with her.
"This is LA! Rhodes women have to live together, it's tradition!" Serena practically yells at Charlie and Charlie slowly loses the will to say no to anyone that excited, the same way you eventually give your golden retriever table food after they beg long enough. Instead of being logical and making something up, or just saying she doesn't want to live with Serena, she uses one of her checks as a deposit on the apartment.
This of course bounces and Serena tracks Charlie down to her sad grungy LA apartment of broken dreams. "You can't live here!" Serena says, looking at the totally reasonable apartment building like she has just found Charlie squatting in a cardboard box on the sidewalk. She says she talked to Cece about the stop her mother put on the trust and Cece talked to the bank. Long story short: not only is Charlie rich again, but Serena's boss is going back to New York so Charlie has a ticket back to the Upper East Side.
Charlie's lovely boyfriend is excited they are going to Portland where he can be a great chef and they can be together as two lower-middle class working slobs. But Charlie breaks his little handsome heart and pops into the limo with Serena to fly off to champagne wishes and caviar dreams and probably becoming actually crazy instead of just fake crazy. Sorry Max, your poor dude funions are no comparison for Serena's fantastic hair and moneybags.
Meanwhile Nate is moping around the apartment, not sexing ladies because he misses the cougar of his dreams, Elizabeth Hurley. But hark! What is that he spies in a bright skintight red dress hunting the concrete jungles of New York? It is the one and only cougar who stole his heart by having sex with him and kicking him out of her house. If you ever wondered what it takes to hold the key to Nate's heart , the answer is very little.
Diana Payne is looking to have an interview with his mother and Nate kindly whores out his mom for this humiliating interview so he can sex Diana up in a stairwell. Which seems only fair considering how many times Nate has taken one for the team for his family, prostitution-wise. As Diana walks home from the interview, she offers Nate an internship based on, I suppose, his excellent sex skills. He accepts. It's the stuff that all great romances are made of.
Dan is still trying feverishly to NOT get his book published. He even skips an opportunity to have waffles with Rufus, thus negating Rufus' entire reason for existing on this show.
After a brief phone conversation with Serena, he heads off to find Chuck. And boy, does he. Chuck is doing something weird with some guys in an alley, like straight dudes do. It looks like they are either roughing him up or servicing him in a strange way, but Dan shows up and they're apparently not into foursomes so they bounce.
Unlike Fight Club, Dan figures out that Chuck is thrill-seeking in a dangerous way pretty fast and gets Nate on the case. Nate's doctor tells him that Chuck is badly hurt and needs to stop intentionally getting himself beaten up. Dan is following Chuck around like a puppy, so into Chuck's business he's momentarily forgotten about all the favors he should be asking. "Unlike Serena, when I rejected you I meant it," Chuck says delightfully when Dan returns. When Dan keeps pressing the issue of Blair, Chuck drops the bomb that he and Blair slept together after she and Dan kissed.
This is still not enough to keep Dan away when he gets a creepy gossip girl blast of Chuck walking around a bad neighborhood. When he swoops in to save the day he gets punched in the face for his trouble. The thugs Chuck hired explain they aren't supposed to stop until they hear the safe word, which is apparently "stop."
Stop? Chuck's safe word is "stop"? I always figured it would be something really strange and kinky or at least like...bowtie. Chuck says he's doing this because he can't feel anything, not even irritation with Dan, so we know it's serious.
Back at the apartment, Dan uses his amazing Google powers to diagnose Chuck with Buerger's disease, a PTSD-type disease that means he can't feel. The best medicine is to get the patient to start caring about things again and feeling. While he turns down the offer of Dan Humphrey tickles, does this mean we might see Chuck and Blair talk again soon?
Finally, Dan explains his novel situation and how it's a scathing portrait of the Upper East Side using everyone he knows as characters. "Ah, the return of Charlie Trout," Chuck deadpans, easily winning best lines of the night. He says he'll look into getting the book killed.
What will happen when Charlie, or should we say Ivy, returns to the UES? Who is the father of Blair's baby? And will Chuck and Blair finally talk things out next week? Sound off in the comments!
(Image courtesy of The CW)