This week on Gossip Girl
, Blair finally makes her 20th romantic choice this season, Serena breaks free of all the bonds of sanity she had left, Nate is mostly useless, Dan's hair has finally taken on intelligent life and Bart Bass smiles, terrifying us all to our very cores.
It was a giant spectacle of an episode, with multiple callbacks to the pilot. By the time they finally get to the series finale next year, will they have any pilot callbacks left they haven't already done? The season 3 finale was also chock full of pilot callbacks, as was the 100th episode. It's only one episode! There really are only so many things you can redo! Pace yourselves, writers!
I feel like I don't even have feelings, I'm so overwhelmed with the amount of stuff that happened in this episode. It's a great, solid episode to cap off a so-so season (to put it mildly) of the show. The episode showed all the hallmarks of the show we've grown to know and love. Multiple characters interacting, dozens of storylines being juggled in the air and schemes and counter-schemes for miles. It was like watching a Gossip Girl
greatest hits album.
As the dust settles, we've have one major relationship on the mend and another suffering possible irreparable damage. We all know that Serena and Blair will weather this storm, even if the seas are a bit choppier than usual. Besties always do. Even ones that drunkenly bang multiple boyfriends and push each other into fountains.
The Brooklyn and Upper East Side Divorce
This episode was all about choosing sides. When it came to it, both Blair and Lily chose the Upper East Side. The show began with the Humphreys' initiation, via Serena, into the privileged world of the Upper East Side. In the season finale, they've finally both been ejected.
When Rufus learns that Bart is back in town working his leathery charms on Lily, he's rightfully scared. We all know how charming a completely terrifying, especially orange, Bart Bass can be. (Where did he spend his missing years, in the Jersey Shore
tanning?) So he gets his sweet piece of househusband behind to serve Bart the annulment papers post-haste. Even Bart mentions how much the Upper East Side lifestyle is agreeing with him, probably having noted the weirdly feminine lady coat Rufus seems to be sporting.
But Bart is intent on winning Lily back, probably because he's bored and because Lily's increased levels of evil have a beautifying effect on her. Seriously, Lily is looking good. Money grubbing villainess really agrees with her, that's all I'm saying.
After weighing both of her options and finding out that Rufus tricked Bart into signing the annulment papers, Lily makes her choice. Did anyone really think her choice would be Rufus? Poor Rufus looks so lost and alone. "No! My deluxe waffle iron!" he screams behind his botox mask. But no one can see his pain.
So he's banished back to Brooklyn to pet his cashmere sadness sweaters and remember the way things were. Next season, Rufus will start sitting around all day watching whoever tells the housewives what to buy now that Oprah is off daytime TV and eating out of a giant tub of ice cream in a snuggie. Mark my words.
The Diary Heard Round the World
Serena is finally starting to get her life back together, especially now that David O'Russell is calling to invite her to the movie premiere of the film she worked on at the beginning of the season. "Hey, another job just fell into my lap, isn't that great?" Serena says to Blair while Blair rocks in a fetal position about her diary leaking. Not the time, Serena. Also, no one ever cares about your jobs because you never keep them for more than four episodes. Call us when you're onto your next profession. Please let it be another one where you wrangle Tyra Banks like a ranch hand for crazy people.
Blair, of course, is furious that all her diaries got out. I need to stop for a second and wonder how exactly Gossip Girl got Blair's diaries? Did Serena scan in every diary page of every one of Blair's diaries going back to when she was writing them in tasteful crayons? I can barely believe that Serena knows how to work a scanner and I certainly don't believe her attention span is that long. I guess they just got into the computer using Upper East Side magic, the same way Chuck and Nate run companies while never actually going to work.
Blair is increasingly furious as her diaries leak into the world, burning her bridges with establishments all over Manhattan. After Serena can't get Gossip Girl to stop posting, Blair finally goes nuclear. What made Blair think that Serena could get GG to stop posting in the first place? Why was she so zen until right at that moment? Who knows! Why is she wearing her messy hair swept to the side and blue eye shadow all paired with a pink jacket with shoulder pads? Is this episode taking place in an 80's teen sex comedy? These are all good questions.
Blair snaps and does the unforgivable: She tanks Serena's fake job in her newly chosen fake career. Serena, having the worst run of luck of her entire life, finally snaps like a rubber band that's only been subsisting on a berry a day all year. The girls get into a drag-out fight where Serena tells Blair she didn't need to take Dan, considering her eleventy billion other dude suitors. Blair traces all her terrible life decisions back to Serena and says the best time in her life was when Serena left. Pretty sure Serena didn't put a gun to your head and make you make that idiotic pact with God.
So Blair throws Serena out of the house (that they share, in case you forgot -- I kind of did) and Serena is finally like full scale unhinged. She's got no job, the poor muppet she used to date is rejecting her, that one berry she had for breakfast was not all that filling and now she's homeless. Serena is about to get real.
Evil Serena this season has a certain look in her eye, like if you actually look at her she looks like that picture of the woman who drove in a diaper and stalked that astronaut. Somehow, Dan completely misses this. Probably the hair was whispering to him not to be concerned.
At the Shepard's Divorce Party, Serena "accidentally" bumps into Dan at the bar. Dan, of course, is waiting for Blair to show up and give in to his love ultimatum. But it's Serena who shows up, with a plan to seduce both Dan and whatever dead animal is perched atop his head. I hope Serena checks for rabies later. She gets him drunk on shots, spills drinks on them and then lets her girls do the rest. Dan and Serena have sex atop the counter at the Campbell Hotel, at the Shepard's Divorce party, making this the second of Blair's boyfriends Serena has deflowered on that particular counter.
It makes sense that at the Shepard's wedding, Serena and Nate would have hooked up, a sweet, simple mistake born out of two super attractive people unable to fight their attraction. At the Shepard's divorce party (seriously, so hilariously tacky! The decorations!) the hookup is malicious, born not out of affection but out of a need to hurt Blair.
When Dan puts two and two together, he's disgusted by Serena. Because, of course, she manipulated him into sex with her by being hot and saying, "Hey, wanna do this sexy thing?" That minx. In case you haven't been keeping track, Dan has now cheated on every girlfriend.
As usual, Dan is self-righteous about the whole thing. He ignores Blair's emails and tells Serena she's a terrible person. Then he meets up with Georgina to publish the book about the Upper East Side he should have done the first time around. Having read the first one, will anyone read an identical book about identical topics and identical people by the same author? But, hey, people are reading Fifty Shades of Grey
, so what do I know about anything?
Meanwhile, Serena gets on a train to nowhere in another pilot parallel. Only now instead of running away from the party girl she used to be, she's running right back even harder. She's got some coke, a sketchy dude she will probably kill on film and nothing left.
Bart is just being SUPER nice to Chuck all episode, which should be a tip-off. Like a couple of times, Bart even smiles and it's terrifying, like if the Crypt Keeper wanted to show you something adorable on CuteOverload. It's just wrong.
But Chuck has always been starved for his father's affections and approval, so he's not picking up this weirdness. Instead, he's mentally planning father-son business camping trips where they all do trust falls and then laugh about the one time his father's faked death almost drove him to suicide. That Bart! He's incorrigible!
Bart, of course, convinces Chuck that he should go after Blair and even hands him back the Harry Winston diamond ring. Chuck is super psyched his dad cares about his love life. Later, he plans to have a slumber party with his dad where they'll talk about girls and prank call Rufus. He's living the dream!
When Blair shows up to apologize about the diary, Chuck is suddenly interested. Why is she apologizing about some stuff she wrote? She's been playing with his heart all season; he sold her to his uncle one time for a hotel. A journal is basically nothing after bartering a person, right? But Chuck starts picking up what Blair is putting down, which is that undeniable chemistry between them. Chuck makes it clear that if Blair wants in, he's still open for business but not for much longer.
Between Chuck and Dan's ultimatums, Blair is so confused she's been ignoring Eleanor. This isn't wise, because Eleanor has some big news for Blair. She's ready to retire and she wants to give the company over to Blair to run. Blair will be taking over the family business and the scene between Eleanor and Blair is sweet, sharp and completely on point. It's wonderful.
I have to say two things, though. One: taking over her mother's company is literally the only thing that Blair is qualified to do because she hasn't even finished school or held a job for more than two seconds. Two: Blair mentions that she'll need a designer for the company. That chill you just felt down your spine? That was the reawakening of the kraken that is Jenny Humphrey, collecting her million Hydra-like hair extensions and putting on another layer of eyeliner, ready to strike. I don't know if it's just me, but I'm so ready for her return.
Before she can take over the company, though, she has to decide: Dan or Chuck? Dan is her best friend and she feels safe with him. She doesn't feel safe with Chuck, but he's made her happier than she's ever been. So who will she choose? The answer is Chuck, because it's clearly always been Chuck. She shows up at the Empire just as Bart is taking over the reins of Bass industries. Timing, thy name has never been Blair and Chuck.
On the roof of the Empire, Bart tells Chuck that his affection for Blair makes him weak and it always has. Surprisingly, Chuck does not try to jump off the roof or even yell his name while tossing bottles of booze onto unsuspecting passersby. In the world of Gossip Girl
, this is character growth.
Blair tells Chuck that she loves him and chooses him but he's in a pretty bad place. He explains that he put everything on hold for her, that he bankrupted himself and waited for her all year. He says he bet on her but she's always bet against him. "I don't want to be Mr. Blair Waldorf," he says when Blair offers up her company to help. "I'm Chuck Bass." I guess next season is about Chuck trying to be a powerful business woman in his own right?
As the episode ends, Chuck and Jack are playing some high stakes poker to try to drum up enough money to take down Bart. Blair shows up looking stunning and sits next to Chuck. "You fought for me all year. I've come to fight for you," she says to a surprised Chuck as she pushes her chips in. "You said I always bet against you, but this time I'm all in." And scene!
In miscellaneous plot bingo: Diana mails Nate a tape of Gossip Girl in a hoodie retrieving the laptop, confirming what I've long suspected: Gossip Girl is A! Also, Lola gives Ivy all of Cece's money after learning Lily is trying to screw her own evil mother out of a legal defense so Ivy can take down Lily. "Thanks for using that money to get me an actual lawyer so I can get out of jail," Carol does not say.
Next season on Gossip Girl
, Nate uncovers the mystery of who killed Alison DiLaurentis. Chuck and Blair get addicted to high stakes gambling. Serena goes to rehab and starts her own GOOP website. Dan writes a book and names it "Outside." Rufus spends all his remaining money on a deluxe waffle iron, but he has to sell Jenny to do so. Lily and Bart bump into Eric in the Hamptons with the Graysons and things get awkward. And finally, Gossip Girl is revealed in the final season to be what Veronica Mars does when she's bored during FBI training.
What did you think of the finale? Were you satisfied? What will happen with Serena next season? Are you looking forward to the final season? Sound off in the comments!
Morgan GlennonContributing Writer(Image courtesy of The CW)Tune In to Gossip Girl on the BuddyTV Guide App and chat with other fans about the episode, and you can also share your thoughts on the episode directly to Facebook and Twitter.