In last night's episode of Gossip Girl
, everyone returned to Constance Billard for a bit of a high school reunion ... which, instead of proving how much they've matured, let them demonstrate how little they've actually learned after all this time.
In "Shattered Bass," Chuck proved to be just as impenitent as ever, Blair demonstrated that her self-esteem just might be lower than it was in high school, Dan continued to try and sleep with everything that moved despite playing the role of pretentious outsider and Serena complained about a girl wearing her dress to a party. Well hello, season 1.
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Blair does everything in her power to impress her potential mother-in-law (a.k.a. the one holding the key to Blair's royal-hood) short of polishing her shoes -- and even that, she probably did off-screen. All it takes is Cyrus' good-natured wailing to win over Princess Sophie, who not only allows Blair to continue courting her son, but even offers a time and place to make their official debut as a couple. How generous! But Blair is far too busy covering up her wound with makeup and shamefully meeting up with Chuck, like a true abuse victim, to notice that poor Louis' heart is breaking. After blaming her for seeing Chuck, Louis also finds it appropriate to put all the fault on Blair for the abuse she received -- what an authentic modern-day American man he's becoming!
Ain't No Fun (Waiting Around to Be A Millionaire)
Blair officially accepts Serena's apology -- and just in time for Serena to make a new enemy out of Charlie, who decided to come to Blair's engagement party looking exactly as Serena did at the debutante ball all those years ago. Of course, Dan still can't recognize a girl who's batsh*t crazy -- and what's worse is that he can't even recognize the dress Serena wore when they shared that breathtaking kiss! If that's not confirmation that Darena are over, I don't know what is. (Let me point out that while all of this is going on, Serena's constantly either grabbing champagne off of waiter's trays or talking about how alcohol makes her feel better in heels. I love how blatant the writers are being about her inevitable alcoholism -- these are the moments they'll flash back to when she's in rehab next season!)
Serena and Vanessa put their heads against Rufus' -- not in a competition to see whose hair looks more like a bird's nest, however, just to get to the bottom of Charlie's nonsensical behavior ... which turns out to be justified by the fact that, oops, all her meds were tossed in the trash! Meanwhile, Charlie tears Serena's dress off and tries to seduce Dan in the Headmistress' office at Constance Billard. As if that's not psychotic enough, she also asks him to call her Serena
. Now that she has a trust fund, messy blond hair, and her ta-tas are exposed, she might as well be.
Heart of Glass
Jack double-crosses both Raina and
Russell Thorpe by secretly plotting with Chuck to obtain evidence and a confession proving that Bart wasn't
responsible for Avery's death. They get exactly that from Russell when they steal the incriminating (and freakishly clear) security tape in which Russell locked the building's doors -- thinking he was doing away with Bart, he actually unwittingly murdered his own wife. Chuck lets him leave town, but when Raina finds out the truth about her mother's murder and turns her back on him, Russell can't help but seek revenge ... and he gets one step closer when he lures Blair atop the roof of the Empire Hotel.
(Image courtesy of the CW)