'Glee' Recap: My Big Fat Gleek Wedding
'Glee' Recap: My Big Fat Gleek Wedding
John Kubicek
John Kubicek
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
Wedding + Valentine's Day = Sex. That's the equation for this week's Glee as Will and Emma's big V-Day wedding brings everyone back to Lima, creating some very sexual reunions. Yes, the heightened hormones and emotions cause everyone to lose their minds and make some questionable choices. Except Will. He just gets left at the altar. And that's not even among the top five most shocking things to happen in this episode.

Will and Emma: The Runaway Bride

The big wedding is here, but Emma is freaking out while Will is blissfully ignorant that anything is wrong. When the wedding arrives (a wedding where the Best Man is a 19-year-old Army dropout and the Maid of Honor is Sue wearing an exact replica of Emma's wedding dress), Emma freaks out during a fast-paced rendition of "I'm Not Getting Married Today." And as the song suggests, she's a runaway bride. That leaves Sue, still in the wedding dress, to walk down the aisle with a gleeful grin to give Will the delicious bad news.

Will takes it fairly well, allowing the New Directions to basically use his wedding reception as a reunion. The next day he's sulking, but Finn stops by to give him a pep talk about how he's gonna help Will win back Emma and win Nationals.

Finn, Rachel and Brody: Knocked Up

Finn is freaking out over kissing Miss Pillsbury, so he asks Rachel back in town (who has abandoned celebrating Valentine's Day with her sexy live-in boyfriend Brody to attend her former teacher's wedding).

During the reception after the non-wedding, Finn and Rachel dance together before Finn gets all deep and wise, psychoanalyzing Rachel. While plucking petals from a flower, repeatedly saying "She loves me, she loves me not," he lets her know that this thing with Brody is B.S. and it doesn't matter because she's still his girlfriend. "We are endgame," he informs her before they head upstairs to have sex.

The next Rachel slinks back home where Brody asks about Finn and she doesn't tell him about what happened. But he's also keeping secrets. A quick scene of him exiting a hotel room counting a wad of money leads to only one conclusion: Brody is a male prostitute. I mean, seriously, that's what happened.

And as if Finchel hooking up and Brody being a gigolo isn't enough, the episode ends with Rachel taking a pregnancy test. And unless Finn's sperm move at supersonic speeds, that would probably make it Brody's baby. So much for the "endgame."

Kurt, Blaine and Tina: He's Just Not That Into You

Weddings are the perfect time to hook-up, so Kurt and Blaine make-out ferociously in the backseat of the car before the ceremony. Kurt has a momentary doubt because, oh yeah, he's dating another guy, but it's not exclusive, so this is OK. I'm sure the Klaine fans love this, but I'm partially siding with Tina on this issue. Kurt and Blaine broke up, the issues of cheating and living in two different cities with busy schedules aren't resolved, and making out right now just undoes whatever work they've done to move on.

On the other hand, when Tina confronts Kurt and lets it slip that she rubbed him down while he was passed out, Kurt calls her out for being a pathetic super-haggy hag who's in love with a gay man and who "Vapo-raped my ex-boyfriend." He wins.

And he definitely does when Kurt and Blaine sneak upstairs to have sex. Afterwards Blaine thinks this means they're back together, but Kurt is vague on the matter and insists that they're just friends and this was just fun. The following day Tina FINALLY apologizes for her insanely creepy obsession with Blaine and everything seems to be good with them.

Jake, Marley and Ryder: Love, Actually

Jake is worried about getting Marley the perfect Valentine's Day gift, but luckily he has Ryder, the world's greatest wingman. Ryder suggests a Valentine's Week and stages an elaborate musical performance in the middle of history class. I'm starting to think there's an amazing Glee episode that could focus entirely on the OTHER students at McKinley who just sit there and watch this stuff. What are they thinking? Maybe it could be told through Neck Brace Cheerio's PoV.

Unfortunately, Ryder is still in love with Marley, and the whole thing is ripped directly from Love, Actually, complete with interracial couple and the best friend who stages elaborate musical numbers to mask his true feelings.

Things take a cruel twist when Jake reveals his plans to have sex with Marley after the wedding, but they don't appear to go through with it. And the next day Marley thanks Ryder (because she knows Jake isn't smart enough to pull off all the romantic stuff) and Ryder kisses her. Sigh, I thought we were done with this love triangle. Also, what happened to Neck Brace Cheerio? She was PERFECT for Ryder!

Santana and Quinn: Friends with Benefits

These two bitter mean girls bond over having no one at the wedding, so man-hating Quinn crosses something off her college to-do list by engaging in a little lady love experimentation. Yes, Santana and Quinn have sex. But Quinn lets us know this was simply a one-time thing.

Artie and Betty: She's Out of My League

Finally, we meet Emma's wheelchair-bound niece Betty, played by The Glee Project runner-up Ali Stroker. And she's AMAZING. She's bitchy and busty, immediately dismissing Artie as am uggo and not nerdy hot like Andrew Garfield. I instantly love everything about this chick, minus the fact that she winds up sleeping with Artie anyway (I think, it's hard to tell since I'm not totally sure either of them can feel their nether regions). And Artie even asks her out on a date.

So that's Glee's big wedding episode. No wedding, four couples having sex, one love triangle rerun and a possible baby. That's a whole lot of messes to clean up when we come back in three weeks.

Next time on Glee: The show is back on March 7 for the 500th musical performance in an ode to movies.

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(Image courtesy of FOX)