Few things are more confusing or terrifying than relationship problems or high school. Add in a penchant for song and dance and you've got an equation for all sorts of drama and potential emotional disasters. Luckily, the students and teachers of McKinley High have me, their Dear Abbey.
That's right; all season long I'll be answering fictional questions from the cast of Glee
with real snarky advice.
In this week's inaugural column we tackle the delicate and deceitful, including blackmail, toolish Baby Daddy's and dating two women who seem to like each other more than you.
I am being black-mailed by a co-worker. Even if I meet her demands, I'm not sure my secret will stay that way. What should I do? - Sincerely, Anyone from McKinley High Whose Name is Not Principal Figgins
Dear Not Principal Figgins,
Hi Principal Figgins. Do you seriously think we don't all know that you're the person being blackmailed? After all, we've been seeing a certain devious track suit stalking the McKinley halls after she was supposedly banished.
Sorry to say, but considering your formidable opponent and her sheer ruthlessness, your best course of action is a strong defense. Not against Sue, sorry Figgins, you're pretty much screwed there, but with your wife. Find a lawyer you trust and have him start up the divorce documents... there's no way that photo isn't being sent to your wife and there's no way she's standing for your tom-foolery, so you might as well be prepared. Keep them in your back pocket, just like Sue keeps your wife's number on speed dial, so you can serve her the papers as soon as the screaming starts.
Sorry Figgins, but you and Will Schuester are about to get deep insight to Ohio's swinging singles scene.
Sincerely, Never Ever Trust Sue Sylvester With Your Drink Dear Abbey,
My baby's Daddy is not stepping up the way I hoped he would. He's even started telling me to stop gaining weight, because he doesn't like girls who are "super sized." I'm pregnant! What should I do? - Sincerely, Quinn Fabray
You have one of two options.
1) Dump the SOB now or end up on Maury Povich, with five other women claiming your Baby Daddy also fathered their babies. (I predict a string of "Puck, You ARE the fathers" if that happens.)
2) Switch networks and leave FOX for VH1. There's this show called Tool Academy
that was literally made for girls just like you.
Sadly, either route you go, you may end up on a trashy TV show. So we highly recommend you go with option #1 and dump that jackass, preferably in some humiliating fashion than involves you kneeing him in his over active groin after he makes a fat joke.
Sincerely, Hoping We Don't See You on Tool Academy 3 Dear Abbey,
Two girls asked me out on a date, but they didn't seem at all interested in me. What is going on? Sincerely, Finn Hudson
Dear Clueless, Cute Finn,
Step away from the cheerleaders. Seriously. Do you not remember what happened last time you dated one? (Hint: she got pregnant by your 'best friend,' but said it was yours on account of your embarrassing condition in a hot tub.) If that didn't turn you away from the matching outfits, peppy attitudes and adorable deceptiveness, you might want to start worrying about your place in evolution. If only the strong and smart survive ... you may be severely lacking on one side of that equation.
Lastly, if two women ask you out and don't talk to you, one of two things is likely happening. They're either using you or they're, as the old adage goes, not that into you. And possibly, way more into each other. This should serve as a lifelong lesson about fantasy vs. reality, but we're pretty sure that moral of the story would fly right over your pretty little head.
So, for all our sakes, just stay away from ANYONE in a McKinley High cheerleading outfit. They're only trouble for you Finn.
Sincerely, Expect to see you with a Cheerio next week