Liz: I'm also setting up auditions in Toronto ...
Jack: Canada? Why not just go to Iraq? The television audience doesn't want your elitist, East Coast, alternative, intellectual, left-wing--
Liz: Jack, just say Jewish. This is taking forever.
-- 30 Rock


You know, caning has fallen out of fashion in the United States. But ask anyone who's safely walked the immaculate streets of Singapore after winning an international cheerleading competition, and they'll tell you one thing: Caning works. And I think it's about time we did a little more of it right here. And to all those naysayers out there who say, "That's illegal, you can't strike children on their bare buttocks with razor sharp bamboo sticks!" Well, to them I say: YES. WE. CANE.
-- Sue Sylvester, Glee


This is my destiny--I'm supposed to do this, dammit! Don't tell me what I can and can't do!
-- John Locke, Lost


I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna to kick a little ass, I'm gonna to kick some ass in the U.S.A., gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, I'm gonna kick some ass, I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG and EAGLE!
-- Charlie Kelly's "America Song," It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia


For those of you who are confused as to whether or not you're a real American, it's quite simple. Let me see if I can help you out. [Pulls out a dry-erase board and writes the following equation] Just multiply your town's population (P) by the average price of a local cup of coffee (picture of coffee cup), plus its number of art-house movie theaters (house), times the number of streets named after Martin Luther King, Jr. (MLK); then divide by the number of pieces of identification you need to buy Sudafed in your town (pill), times the number of people who wear trucker hats in your town minus the actual number of truckers (trucker hat), multiply that by 1 over the houses of worship--not counting synagogues, of course (cross)--minus the number of bars in your town. That's supposed to be a bottle. If the answer equals less than 10, congratulations, odds are very good that you're a real American.
-- Jon Stewart, The Daily Show


He discovered America is what he did. He was a brave Italian explorer. And in this house, Christopher Columbus is a hero. End of story.
-- Tony Soprano, The Sopranos


Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
-- Homer Simpson, The Simpsons


If our founding fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
-- Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report


We didn't break free from that pansy country England by voting! We did it by throwing their stinkin' tea in our American harbor! And why? Because Americans don't like tea. We like coffee. And Americans don't like wine. We like beer. Ice cold. Ice-cold-best-in-a-bottle-but-fine-any-way-you-can-get-it-belching-burping-wake-up-in-a-pool-of-it BEER. So let's show them how a beer man votes. Let's get blitzed, and take it to the streets! Let's strike a blow anywhere they dine al fresco. Anywhere they eat brie cheese. And anywhere they wear their pants up high around their waist in the European way. The only thing that Americans understand is mindless Tom and Jerry cartoon-like violence. So let's go kick some elite butt. Give me beer, or give me DEATH!
-- Al Bundy, Married ... With Children


I just want to mention that at several points during the evening, I was referred to as both a liberal and a populist, and a fellow fourth from the back called me a socialist, which is nice. I haven't heard that for a while. Actually, I'm an economics professor. My great-grandfather's great-grandfather was Dr. Josiah Bartlet, who was the New Hampshire delegate to the second Continental Congress, the one that sat in session in Philadelphia in the summer of 1776 and announced to the world that we were no longer subjects of King George III, but rather a self-governing people. "We hold these truths to be self-evident," they said, "that all men are created equal." Strange as it may seem, that was the first time in history that anyone had ever bothered to write that down. Decisions are made by those who show up. Class dismissed. Thank you, everyone. God bless you. And God bless America.
-- President Josiah Bartlet, The West Wing


Bonus: Here's a special 4th of July message from another of our favorite patriots on TV, The Muppets' Sam the Eagle.