'Game of Thrones' Recap: Flaming Swords and Burning Loins
'Game of Thrones' Recap: Flaming Swords and Burning Loins
John Kubicek
John Kubicek
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
Sex is on everyone's mind this week on Game of Thrones. Jon Snow loses his virginity, Stannis Baratheon confesses his infidelity to his wife Jaime and Brienne get naked together and, at King's Landing, there are two shocking wedding suggestions and some hot gay sexpionage.

We also get a magical resurrection, a beheading and Daenerys is greeted as a liberator when she brings democracy to the new world. Maybe the George W. Bush Library can put that scene on file.

Jon Snow in the Cave

Jon Snow's loyalty to the Night's Watch is tested first with information, then by Ygritte forcing him to forsake the vow of chastity. She runs into a cave, he follows, and once inside they get hot and heavy, Blue Lagoon-style. Congratulations, Jon Snow, you're not a virgin!

Also, it turns out, like Podrick Payne, Jon is a bit of a sexual savant. Ygritte is very impressed with his willingness to make like Petula Clark and go downtown.

Who's Marrying Who?

Cersei is still trying to find out what the Tyrells are up to, so she enlists Littlefinger for assistance. Littlefinger does what he does best and hires a hot young dude squire to seduce Loras Tyrell and pump him for information, literally. Within a few minutes the squire has Loras right where he wants him, singing like a canary about the plan for him to marry Sansa Stark.

Cersei gleefully takes this news to her father as proof that the Tyrells are up to no good. Cersei and Tywin have a meeting with Tyrion (who spent the day haggling over wedding details with Lady Olenna), and this is where things get interesting.

In order for the Lannisters to align themselves with the North, Tywin has decided that Sansa will marry Tyrion. Needless to say, Tyrion isn't too pleased with this arrangement. Cersei enjoys her brother's suffering until Tywin reveals that the plan to keep the South is for her to marry Loras. After being forced to marry Robert Baratheon, Cersei isn't very happy with her dad right now. I'm sure if he lives long enough, Jaime will be marrying Yara Greyjoy next season.

The Softer Side of Jaime

Locke finally brings Jaime and Brienne to Harrenhal before Lord Bolton. Brienne is instantly freed while Jaime is taken to a doctor to tend to his stump. What follows is a scene so disgusting that I refuse to write about it for fear I will get nauseous all over my keyboard. Let's just say medicine isn't very good in Westeros.

Later Brienne is taking a bath in a giant tub when Jaime joins her. They're both naked and it's here that Jaime exposes himself (I don't mean in the dirty way, though, yeah, in that way too). He tells the story of how he became the Kingslayer and it's not what everyone thinks. The Mad King wanted Jaime to turn on his own father and "burn them all." Jaime refused and, instead, stabbed him in the back. It wasn't heroic or epic, it was just a sad young man who chose family over duty. As his story ends, he starts to pass out and Brienne cradles him in her arms.

The Mad King in the North

At Riverrun Lord Karsatrk and his men storm the dungeon and kill those two Lannister boys they have as prisoners. Robb isn't happy about it, but Lord Karstark doesn't care because Robb is weak and pathetic, always willing to let people go with a warning. He's not the King in the North, he's the King Who Lost the North.

That nickname doesn't go over well, so Robb lashes out to prove he's a real man by ordering all of the men involved to be executed, even Lord Karstark. It's not exactly the best move since it results in Robb losing the thousands of soldiers that come with House Karstark.

Luckily Robb discovers a back-up plan while playing his own version of Risk. Instead of fighting at King's Landing, he's going to steal Theon's move and try to take Casterly Rock, the Lannister's home. Of course to do it he's going to need the armies of Walder Frey, aka the guy whose daughter Robb was supposed to marry. Awkward.

The Flaming Sword Battle

The Brotherhood Without Banners stages the battle between the Hound and Beric Dondarrion, complete with flaming swords. This is bad-ass and cool, but not so good for the Hound since fire is his biggest weakness.

Still, the Hound gets the upper hand and kills Beric, earning his freedom. But the real story is that Thoros of Myr, the red priest, says a few words and Beric is magically alive again. Respawn!

The Hound is set free, against Arya's objections, and Gendry decides to stay with the Brotherhood as their blacksmith because he likes having a new family, even though Arya insists she's his family.

Finally, Arya, who is sort of their prisoner but sort of not and who is going to be taken to Riverrun to reunite with her brother, gets the 411 on Beric's miraculous recovery. This is actually the sixth time the Lord of Light has brought him back from the dead.

You know how last week I was certain Daenerys would win the Iron Throne? Well, if the Lord of Light can give you infinite lives, then magic might beat dragons.

The Baratheon Family

We finally get to meet Stannis' wife, and she's kind of crazy, minus the "kind of." First of all, she's totally fine with her husband having sex with Melisandre. In fact, she thinks it's the best news ever. If that's not creepy enough, she also has giant glass jars filled with the stillborn children they lost. I'm pretty sure Selyse Baratheon and the Governor from The Walking Dead would make a great couple.

Then there's Stannis' daughter, whose face is all disfigured. She adores Davos Seaworth and goes to visit him in the dungeon, trying to teach him how to read. At least someone on this show remembers Davos.

Daenerys and Grey Worm

Finally (as if there wasn't already enough crammed into this episode), Daenerys has a meeting with her soldiers. It turns out she asked the Unsullied to hold open elections to select a leader. Wow, if only the Middle East was this simple. They choose Grey Worm, the slave name he was given to remind him that he's a lowly worm.

Daenerys suggests all slaves should be allowed to pick their own names, but Grey Worm likes his name because it's the one he had on the day Daenerys set him free, which was the best day ever. Aww, they really do love her. She's like Evita Peron.

In less happy news, Barristan Selmy is getting quite mouthy, saying that Jorah Mormont isn't very beloved in Westeros and that, when Daenerys goes to claim the Iron Throne, it would be best if Jorah isn't by her side. Since Jorah Mormont is one of my favorite characters (OK, I probably have a dozen or two of those), I hope he finds a way to stay by Daenerys' side.

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(Image courtesy of HBO)