Farmer Wants a Wife

Last week on Farmer Wants a Wife, Farmer Matt finally realized just how much craziness Josie could pack into her tiny little frame.  After he wisely booted the lazy cow for frightening the elderly people at a bingo parlor, Josie refused to leave the competition until she received a parting gift.  She sat around huffing and stomping for hours, repeatedly telling the producers that they were going to have to call the sheriff to get rid of her. Unfortunately, we didn't get to see Josie carted away in handcuffs, because she left on her own after realizing that her consolation prize would never come.

Tonight, the remaining girls participate in a tractor race, and nearly everyone bonds over their shared hatred of Brooke.

I know I've made fun of the terrible Farmer Wants a Wife theme song a couple of times, but I've yet to mention the LOL-worthy opening titles.  I love seeing everyone pasted over the outlandishly bright green background, which looks like something out of a low budget version of Pushing Daisies.  Matt enters the scene riding a tractor, a dumb smile spread across his face, and then we cut to the contestants giving us poses that are more laughable than sexy.  However, the best part of this entire debacle is the very end, when Matt actually points up to the giant Farmer Wants a Wife logo.  It's as if he's saying, "Yeah, that's me.  I'm gonna find me a wife!"  Hilarious.

The girls decide to impress Matt by washing his truck, which is the cue for Lisa and Brooke to start a sexy water fight.  As you may recall from last week, the other ladies despise Lisa and Brooke for being hypocritical Bible thumpers.  The wet t-shirt contest in the making soon comes to an end when the contestants discover that they have to go to a quilting shop.

The ladies get quilting lessons from the local farmer's wives, who are all about 80-years-old.  Apparently the only leisure activities in Missouri involve the elderly, so remind me never to go there.  The girls start talking about Matt, and Brooke pipes up and says that she has a connection with him that the others don't.  Christa is so offended by this presumptive comment that she flips Brooke the finger right in the middle of the quilting bee.  Classy!

Later in the day, Matt interrupts the girls as they enjoy their hourly Brooke-bashing session.  He tells them that it's time for a tractor race.  The contestants have to pick up a certain number of hay bales and drop them off in a field, and whoever completes the task first will win immunity for the week.  This is something that a real farmer's wife would have to do, so this will show Matt who has what it takes.

The race is on, but unfortunately Kanisha can't get her tractor to move.  The ladies take off without her while Matt lends her a helping hand.  Lisa, who apparently doesn't realize that practical shoes are better than fashionable ones, has trouble due to her high heels.  She gets a piece of straw jammed into her foot while jumping off the tractor, but she continues on without complaining.  In the end, Brooke pulls ahead and pisses everyone off by winning the challenge.

It's time for a good old fashioned barbecue, which is probably the only part of farm life that I'd be excited about.  Things take a turn for the dramatic the instant Brooke and Lisa ask Matt about church service, leading Christa to believe that they're using their virginity to get ahead.  This is probably the only reality show in history where someone will be accused of such a thing.

That night, Brooke sits down with Christa and tries to figure out why everyone hates her.  I'd like to know that too, because Brooke doesn't seem all that bad.  Christa says that everyone thinks she's fake, then brings up the toilet papering incident from the first episode.  Christa has an angry outburst and leaves, but I'm still not convinced that Brooke is as terrible as everyone thinks.  Compared to Josie she's practically as angelic and innocent as David Archuleta.

This episode has yet to meet its quota of shirtless Matt shots, so it's time for a trip to the local pond.  The gang settles down and has a picnic, and I've suddenly decided that I want to become a farmer's wife so I can eat all of this delicious looking food.  They also strike up a thrilling game of "Would You Rather," where Stacey hints that some of the contestants may be acting fake.  Gee, I wonder who she's referring to?

While swimming in the pond and attempting to hit a ball with a stick, Matt accidentally lets go of the bat and hits Krista in the hand.  She runs off, sulks, and tells him to stay away from her for a while.  Matt, who is always the gentleman, later apologizes for hitting her with his "big piece of wood."  Saucy!

This week, one of the old ladies from the quilting bee will be slowly embroidering the name of the eliminated contestant on to a piece of cloth.  Maybe next week they'll brand the name of the loser into a cow.  Anyway, the girls hover over her, anxiously waiting to see who the unlucky lady is.  After waiting for ages, Krista figures out that she's the one to go.  Matt says that it's hard to get her to smile and that he doesn't feel she's attracted to him.  Krista breaks down in tears and takes off.

Matt chooses Amanda for his one on one date this week.  Instead of taking her to another playground for the elderly, he pulls up in front of his parents' house and explains that it's time to meet the family.  Awkward. Again there's a ton of delicious food, and again I'm tempted to move to Missouri and find some family to adopt me.  Amanda makes a wonderful impression on the parents, making Matt believe that she might be a keeper.  Unlike the other girls, she even gets a sexy goodnight make out session before being dropped off.

After everyone goes to sleep, Brooke and Lisa sneak out and go visit Matt.  They found his address on some magazines that he left behind at the house, which is rather creepy.  As the two girls drive home after spending some quality time with the farmer, they try to decide if they just impressed him or doomed themselves with their crazy antics.  Will he find their stalking sweet and romantic, or just plain terrifying?


- Don Williams, BuddyTV Staff Writer
(Image courtesy of the CW)