Previously on Dirty Sexy Money: Nick's quest to find his dad's killer led to a billionaire named Simon Elder.  Jeremy hooked up with his twin sister's rival, Natalie.  Patrick's tranvestite lover Carmelita convinced him to run for Senate.  Reverend Brian took his illegitimate son home, posing as a Swedish orphan.  Tripp finds out (or always knew) about his wife's affair with Nick's dad.

This week on Dirty Sexy Money, a Darling sex tape appears!  That plot alone could contain all three of the show's titular words.  As Nick (Peter Krause) prepares his daughter's lunch, the TV show's an interview with Patrick (William Baldwin) talking about how he's never committed adultery.  Nick tells his wife he's going to the cops about Simon Elder.  Tripp (Donald Sutherland) picks Nick up and tries to convince him to use the family private investigator to look into Elder discretely.

When Nick gets to work, the Darling publicist shares a voicemail blackmailing Tripp for $1 million or a family sex tape that will destroy Patrick's campaign will be revealed.  Meanwhile, Tripp tries again to get Patrick to dump Carmelita.  Ultimately, Patrick does.  When the publicist gets e-mail confirmation of the tape, she's 50 percent sure someone says "Patty" on it, in a man's voice.

Juliet (Samaire Armstrong) is moving out of the hotel with Natalie in the penthouse, and when the press call her on it, she gives a P.C. answer.  Up in the penthouse, Jeremy (Seth Gabel) and Natalie are fooling around, and she wants to come to Patrick's campaign launch.  She whines about the hotel's smoothies, and Jeremy makes a hilarious joke about how she doesn't complain when he puts in too much banana.  Later, the Darling twins are chilling in Juliet's new pad as Jeremy plays Cat's Cradle while practicing Russian for a possible space vacation.  Juliet is suspicious of him, due to her "twin-tuition," which is heightened because their birthday is in a month,  That is going to be one awesome episode.

Nick investigates the whole Darling family about who stars in the sex tape.  Jeremy has a celebrity sex tape collection, Karen (Natalie Zea) flirts with Nick again, and Juliet claims she's a virgin.  The publicist gets the sex tape, and she watches it with Nick and his assistant.  The two women recognize the move being performed as "the Italian banker," or possibly its reverse variation.   Wow, I did not expect this episode's title to refer to that.  The mystery increases as they announce "At least it's not Patrick."

After a quick and very hot scene of Jeremy and Natalie engaging in some light S&M, the mystery ends as Nick confronts Karen about the fact that she's the sex tape star, and the man is not Freddy, but rather his caddy.  She leads him to a real Italian banker named Vulva, who admits the sexual position was named for his grandfather, who can give Nick the blackmail money.  The banker opens one of the Darling's many vaults filled with absurd amounts of money, bonds and gold.  Nick goes to the payoff, but the woman he meets doesn't have the tape, because they already sold it to another buyer for a better offer. 

In Swedish orphan news: Reverend Brian's (Glenn Fitzgerald) wife is becoming suspicious of the Swedish orphan's English speaking abilities.  Later she gets confirmation that the tyke speaks English, and Brian pretends he's shocked.  Back at home, Brian yells at his son for lying to the family in front of his wife, and when she turns her back, the reverend gives his son the thumbs up.   This relationship is so freaking messed up.

Mourning his breakup with Carmelita, Patrick does some heavy drinking and driving, and his driver calls up Nick to fix the inevitably accident.  The police are easily influenced, because they help cover it up, though since they need to take someone in, the family driver is all too willing to take the fall as if it's in his contract (it probably is).  Then the cops give Nick and Patrick a ride to the campaign launch, where the whole Darling family has already arrived.

Natalie comes on her own, leading Juliet to claim she's getting shingles.  Juliet catches on to Jeremy's flirtation, and she's had enough.  It leads to a catfight on the red carpet in front of the paparazzi.  They reveal the end of their friendship wasn't over the failed partnership in launching a perfume line, but over stolen bangs.  Jeremy rushes to his sister's defense, telling Natalie to beat it, though he definitely gives her a look that says "You can punish me for this later tonight."  Patrick rolls in with the police escort, unaware of all the drama.

Patrick is one good politician, because he sobers up quickly enough to give a stirring speech.  After the party, the twins share a sweet moment.  She apologizes for accusing him of having a thing for Natalie, and when he gets a call, he ignores it to spend time with Juliet.  The next morning, Jeremy has his cake and eats it too, giving Natalie the nice necklace she was eying.  Letitia (Jill Clayburgh), well aware of what she's doing, tells Juliet about the large amount of jewelry shipped to a J. Darling.  Finally, Juliet realizes her twin-tuition was right all along about her brother and Natalie.  On his way home, Patrick stops off to tell Nick that he's getting back together with Carmelita.  Nick thinks it's a bad idea, but she's already in the limo.

Nick tries to get Karen's attention, but apparently she's already told Freddy about it, and he gave her a mulligan.  She asks Nick to tell her dad about the tape for her.  The next morning, Nick confronts Tripp about the obvious inconsistency of the old man's statements about both knowing about his wife's affair and having no clue.  Tripp comes clean about trying to save face when he said he knew.  They bond over teaming up to find out who killed Nick's dad, then Nick tells him about Karen's sex tape.  Back at Nick's office, a messenger brings him the sex tape, which was purchased for $3 million dollars by Simon Elder.  Well played, Mr. Elder.

Next week on Dirty Sexy Money: Nick and his wife go to Italy on the Darlings' dime.  I wonder if any banking will be involved.


-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of ABC)