As a kid I loved reading those old Marvel "What if..." comics, because you could find out how
many different ways Spider-Man could die. It turns out that comic book writers hate Spider-Man as
much as they do trying to find a girl to go out with them.
In the grand tradition of hypothetical killings, I
thought it would be fun to pin our favorite sociopath, Dexter Morgan of Showtime's Dexter, against some of the most renowned killers in
history. Let's start with Jack the Ripper. We'll look at different categories for each knife wielder to find
out who the ultimate killer is.
To be fair, let's put Dexter back into Victorian Era England to face off against Jack. If you put Jack
in today's world, he would either die by being run over by one of those amazing new horseless carriages,or he would discover the greatness of fast food and not be so angry anymore.
While Dexter has over 60 blood slides in his special blood slide humidor, we know that he
has plenty more that went undocumented. Jack the Ripper? Like Dexter, the official count is uncertain,
but five murders that are certainly his. Of course there were copy-cat crimes, which I assume was the
popular past time for all the little kids in 1880s London when they weren't singing songs while pick-pocketing. Even at the generous, unofficial number of 11 kills, Jack's only at the number Dexter was when he was
still going through his growth spurt.
Dexter wins this one in a landslide.
Weapon of Choice
There is a reason he is called Jack the Ripper and not Jack the Aggressive Bludgeoner.
If Dexter's artistry with a knife is like Da Vinci, Jack the Ripper was like Jackson Pollock. Without going
too far into the grisly details, Jack would target Ye Olde Prostitutes. He would show them knives, but
not like those door to door knife salesmen would, if you catch my drift. Like Dexter, he kept a
memento of his victims, but instead of tidy little blood slides, he kept organs. I'm guessing that he
used them to make some delicious Human Haggis, just like my grandma used to make. It's fair to
say that Jack the Ripper was like Dexter, only minus the Saran Wrap and justified killings.
The winner, for his flair for the gross and dramatic, has
to be Jack the Ripper.
Dexter swept the nation as one of television's best anti-heroes. He made it
possible to root for a guy who would otherwise be considered one of the biggest menaces to society. Evil hasn't been so cool since the way street life was portrayed in Menace II Society. No matter how good Dexter's ratings are, though, I doubt that there will be a future film where Johnny Depp plays a detective out to get him. Jack
the Ripper was never caught, and has been a part of popular culture before tabloid magazines and the
internet, which is a big feat in itself.
Give this one to Jack the Ripper.
Sure, Dexter could use his amazing blood splatter analysis to try and track down the
murderer, which would probably be considered Black Magic back in the days of Jack the Ripper. But I
think that even if he did find Jack, he would be no match. Jack the Ripper performed some of the most
brutal murders of his era. Plus, without modern DNA research, Dexter would probably be held back by
his code unless he saw a killing with his own eyes. Jack would probably know that Dexter was after him
and pounce when the time is right. So kids, the moral of the story is that having a code of ethics gets you nowhere, except
a blade in your gut.
And the Winner Is...
I think that this would be a close fight, but the pure evil that Jack the Ripper got away with is hard to
beat. Plus, Dexter would have to rely on his code and other gadgets of today's world in order to dole out
his special brand of justice. If Jack the Ripper was ever caught, the edge may have gone Dexter's way.
It's a close call, but the winner is... Jack the Ripper.
So who do you think would win in this epic showdown of knife wielding killers? Let me know in the
comments, and be sure to check in next week when Dexter takes on another foe.
(Image courtesy of Showtime)