Dancing with the Stars premieres with a "Crazy Bear in a Swamp"
Dancing with the Stars premiered its fourth season last night with a two-hour episode. Like a lot of people, I watched rather hoping Heather Mills' prosthetic leg would fly off, although I didn't go so far as to place a bet on it.

So how did Heather Mills do? Actually, not too badly. The judges critiqued her posture a bit, but said all her problems were in her top half, probably because she was tensing up when she worried about her leg. But she and her partner Jonathan Roberts scored pretty much in the middle of the pack.

Who was worse than Mills? Billy Ray Cyrus pretty much sucked, even though they let him dance to a cha-cha version of one of his own songs. Judge Bruno Tonioli said he looked like "a crazy bear lost in a swamp," and Len Goodman said they weren't supposed to be doing a hoedown. Aside from the awkward mullet-wig-grab gone awry at the end, he barely moved on the dance floor, and his hair was hanging over his face pretty much the whole time – I think he was looking at his own two left feet. Maybe he can improve before next week…or maybe not. He said in his Dancing with the Stars blog the other day that this is the "one of the most demanding and challenging things" he's ever done – and that was before the show started.

Clyde Drexler didn't do much better, although he seems a lot more enthusiastic than Billy Ray. Leeza Gibbons scored pretty badly, and deservedly so as she seemed really stiff.

John Ratzenberger didn't do too badly considering his lack of practice time and his age – he turns 60 next month. He was clearly having a great time, and isn't new to dancing at all. I was surprised Ratzenberger scored worse than Paulina Poriskova, actually. I don't think Paulina's got much of a chance. She did okay on the first night, but she's got terrible posture and is really clumsy.

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm mostly watching to see someone trip and fall. And the only one to have any sort of incident last night was Joey Fatone, whose microphone came loose, and he still scored higher than anyone. Oh well!

Ian Ziering and Cheryl Burke - 21
Paulina Porizkova and Alec Mazo - 19
Billy Ray Cyrus and Karina Smirnoff - 13
Leeza Gibbons and Tony Dovolani - 15
Joey Fatone and Kym Johnson - 24
Laila Ali and Maksim Chmerkovskiy - 23
John Ratzenberger and Edyta Sliwinska - 17
Shandi Finnessey and Brian Fortuna - 19
Clyde Drexler and Elena Grinenko - 16
Heather Mills and Jonathan Roberts – 18 (6 6 6 – I'm sure Paul McCartney would agree)
Apolo Anton Ohno and Julianne Hough – 21

-Mel, BuddyTV Staff Columnist

(Photo courtesy of ABC)