It's here, the final performance of Dancing with the Stars season 9.  Tonight's episode is a small 90 minutes, probably to make tomorrow's TWO-HOUR finale more bearable.  Seriously, how long does it take to read a person's name off a card?  Wait, I forget, we're dealing with Samantha Harris here.  I'd better prepare for the results show to go a little long.

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But tonight is all about performances.  The final three celebrities, Mya, Kelly Osbourne and Donny Osmond, will compete in a marathon of three dances.  They'll each do a ballroom or Latin solo, a Freestyle, a Megamix (a mash-up featuring the Viennese Waltz, Samba and Jive).

Going into the finale, I'm torn.  My brain says Mya should win, but my heart says Kelly should get it.  No part of me wants Donny to win.  Hopefully these last performances will help me decide.

Fashion Report: In his quest to become the new Maks, Dmitry Chaplin is once again going with the open shirt.

We get three dances tonight, and tomorrow the judges will finish their scores with a fourth dance, where the couples pick their favorite dance from the season.

Kelly Osbourne and Louis van Amstel - Argentine Tango

The judges stop by rehearsals to help, so Carrie Ann Inaba arrives to teach Kelly how not to be so uncomfortable and self-conscious doing a sexy dance.  She certainly listened, because this dance is smoldering.  I'll dare to say that it's even better than Donny and Kym's Argentine Tango.

Judges' Scores: 9+9+8=26

I was hoping she'd finally get her first solo 10, but there are two more opportunities.

Mya and Dmitry Chaplin - Paso Doble

They get grumpy old Len Goodman to help them out, and of course, he doesn't even wait for the actual performance to start criticizing these two.  Their Paso has a lot of nice energy, but for me, Mya just isn't a strong enough actress to convincingly play a bad-ass mama.  My brain must be on the fritz, because the judges go nuts for it.  Len puts it right up there with his favorite Dancing with the Stars Paso Doble of all-time, from Mel B. and Maks.  I'm sure Dmitry is excited for the comparison.

Judges' Scores: 10+10+10=30

I must be out of it, because I did not think that was a perfect dance.  I think the judges just really want these two to win, so they're going to pad the crap out of their scores.

Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson - Cha-Cha-Cha

Looking back on his season, it's clear Donny is the most inconsistent finalist.  Donny's showmance Bruno Tonioli shows up for some tough love.  Donny does a lot of hip shaking, and to tell the truth, it's more silly and embarrassing than impressive.  The whole dance just lacks the majesty and skill of the first two performances.  For me, Donny came up a little short in terms of the actual character.

Judges' Scores: 9+9+9=27

Either I'm bitter or I expect too much from the finale, because I totally disagree with the first round of scores.  For me, Kelly has a slight edge over Mya while Donny is pulling up the rear.

Megamix

All three couples dance simultaneously with the same choreography to a mash-up of three styles: Viennese Waltz, Samba and Jive.  The judges will score them first, second or third to get their scores.

This is officially the worst idea ever.  It's impossible to accurately keep track of six different dancers, and it's even harder since there are two female celebrities and one male.  I pretty much resent the crap out of the fact that this is part of the finale.

Judges' Scores:
1st - Mya and Dmitry (30 points)
2nd - Donny and Kym (29 points)
3rd - Kelly and Louis (26 points)

No duh, that's exactly how we all knew it would play out, and they didn't even need to dance.  The judges are clearly doing everything they can to prevent Kelly Osbourne from winning.

Kelly Osbourne and Louis van Amstel - Freestyle

They dance to Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" and it's absolutely glam-tastic.  It has a lot of energy, and as much as I want to love it, Kelly does fall on the floor and it makes me wince with fear.  But Kelly didn't care, she still has a ball, and the judges love her for it.  On the bright side, Kelly is so giddy and happy she doesn't care about scores.

Judges' Scores: 8+8+8=24

That's kind of generous, but it should still keep her out of real contention.

Mya and Dmitry Chaplin - Freestyle

 Dmitry wants to do something based on the musical Hairspray, but Mya wants to do some weird creative artistic thing that sounds a little outside the box.  They go with Dmitry, since he's the pro, and it's a ton of fun.  Hairspray is a great musical and I love this routine, but Mya was 100 percent right that Dmitry's choice is way too safe.  It's kind of dull in its exuberance.  Ooh, I suspect Mya is gonna kick Dmitry's butt backstage for convincing her to go against her own judgment.

Judges' Scores: 9+9+9=27

Yeah, I guess that's about right, because there was nothing wrong, but it wasn't great.

Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson - Freestyle

As expected, Donny busts out the ham and cheese for a very campy Broadway routine full of energy and charisma.  However, like Mya, this seemed way too safe and obvious of a choice for me.  The judges freak out like this was one of the all-time great freestyles, and while I haven't seen a lot of them, I cannot possibly imagine this is among the best.

Judges' Scores: 10+10+10=30

No, no, no.  That cannot possibly be worthy of a 30.  I don't understand what's happening.

The Leader Board

Mya and Dmitry: 30+30+27=87
Donny and Kum: 27+28+30=85
Kelly and Louis: 26+26+24=76

This is so wrong on so many levels.  That close to the top, there's a very real chance that Donny could win, which would be embarrassing considering how awful he's been over the past few weeks.

Mya is a lot more than two points better than him, and Kelly shouldn't be that low.  I'm not sure what to expect during the finale, but I'm preparing for the worst.


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