Tonight on America's Next Top Model:
We learn Kristin Cavaralli's lessons on how to be a reality star, how to get interviewed by Mario Lopez, what "booty tooch" means, and what Tyra thought of her Saturday Night Live
parody. Oh, and some modeling happens in there somewhere. On STILTS!
After winning best photo for showing her chewed up food to the camera in
the Pink's Hot Dog challenge, Lisa points out what the rest of us have
noticed: This cycle is supposed to be about personality, yet two of the
biggest personalities -- Sheena and Brittany -- were the first to go.
The lesson the girls take away from this is, "No one is safe!" The
lesson they SHOULD take away is, "This whole thing is bullsh*t so let's
just have fun with it." But I'm sure they'll catch on eventually.
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Back at the Model Mansion, Allison worries that her strangeness isn't helping her this time around. "I know I need to be more comfortable with myself," she says to Lisa while covering her mouth like a shy Asian schoolgirl.
Maybe start with feeling comfortable with showing your lips, and then work from there?
The girls are busy braiding each other's hair like the Tanner family when all of a sudden a mysterious voice yells, "HELLO? HELLOOOO?" from their foyer. They run down to see who it is, and it's none other than Kristin Cavallari, she of MTV reality stardom, to talk to the models about ... well, let's let her explain: "I just wanted to come say hello to you guys and kinda see how it's going," Kristin says. Translation: She's here, on another reality show, to talk about how to transcend being on a reality show. Which means that yes, once again, yes, for the third week IN A ROOOOW, we get a lesson about how hatred is a good thing when you're famous: "Lots of great things can come from [being on reality TV], even if you ARE the bitch!" says Kristin. For example, a shoe line. And for another example, more reality TV opportunities
! I wish I could put the infuriatingly idiotic backwardness of her visit here in terms that Kristin could understand, but there's just not a shoe big enough.
The girls are all thrilled and re-energized after their pep talk from Kristin, because getting a glimpse of the rare person who actually extends her time on a reality show to opportunities that DON'T include hosting a local beauty pageant or having a modestly-viewed Youtube channel makes them believe that they too, all of them, are destined to be exceptions to the rule. ALL-STARS: We're only in week three and the impossible dream-chasing is already on the verge of tragic.Challenge: Trying Not to Punch Mario Lopez in the Face
The girls show up at The Grove, which is the home of TV's 3rd most popular celebrity backwash show, "Extra.
" I didn't know that they filmed "Extra"
at a mall, but that makes sense. Nigel explains that, since this season is all about selling yourself as a celeb, they'll be interviewed in groups about the ups and downs of stardom by Mario Lopez. MARIO LOPEZ, OH HOW I H8 YOU. CAN I NEVER ESCAPE YOU?!
I have a question: How are we supposed to take the winner of this season seriously as a celebrity after we've been made privy to all these "lessons" on how to make yourself into a celebrity? Aren't stars supposed to be born, not made? Even though we know
they're made, that doesn't mean we want you, as an aspiring celebrity, to tell us all about the "brand" you artificially built around yourself. That's a dealbreaker, ladies! It just seems like the only way this season's going to end well is if someone who is ALREADY genuine and engaging and has real star quality, like Lisa or Allison, wins. In which case all of these lessons about how to seem genuine and act engaging and build/fake your star quality will have been pointless. I know I'm thinking too hard about this, but I feel like I'm being forced to watch the stardom sausage get made, and it's too ugly not to tear apart.
As the best and second best photo-getters of last week, Lisa and Bianca get to pick the teams for the interviews. Nigel reveals the stakes of the challenge: The winning team, ALL of them, will be safe from elimination.
It's clear that these are not real interviews. Mario has the girls stand in a line, in the rain, as he goes down the line and asks each of them a question. A handful of teen girls have been lured in as spectators, probably with a 20% off Victoria's Secret coupon. The stakes are high, but the energy couldn't be lower. Let's CHAT, ladies!Team 1:
Lisa takes her role as "team captain" a little too far. After telling Mario that she got "first place in balance beam, haaaay!" she reaches for a high-five from all her team members, and then just ... keeps ... reaching. Figuratively speaking. After each girl's turn, Lisa jumps in and screams and high-fives her, overshadowing and talking over everyone. It's both manic and immature, and even Alexandria is embarrassed -- that's how socially inappropriate Lisa is being. The award for the worst answer goes to Alexandria, who gets asked about her hostility issues, and tells the "fan" that she's "all peace, love and granola."Team 2:
As part of her answer, Bianca admits to Mario that she has "word vomit," and Lisa is immediately bored. "I'm starting to think about what Mario's hair gel is." (Well stop your wondering, Lisa, because I have it on good authority that Mario styles his mane with the sweat and tears of reformed H8Rs.) Allison actually answers Mario in an engaging and substantive way, so obviously everyone is over the moon impressed. Gotta love the bar for success around here. As her answer, Kayla gives a mini-presidential speech about freedom, and Camille immediately comes across as too good for the challenge. But it's not her fault, that's just her face and her tone of voice and her brain.
Nigel critiques the interviews: Lisa jumped in and gave too many high fives. Angelea didn't give enough of her personality (insanity). She's upset with Nigel's critique, because she thought she was supposed to be professional. Like in a job interview. Moving on: Nigel wishes Bianca didn't talk so much about vomit, and that Kayla hadn't focused so much on the word 'free.' (Hmm, I wonder who got the idea that she should do THAT into her head?!)
Team 2 win the challenge and are thus safe from elimination. And there's also an overall winner who gets to come back and interview for real with "Extra
", and that winner is ... ALLISON!
On the way home from the challenge, Angelea is still upset by Nigel's criticism and now she's in a FOOOOUL mood, because she tried to be professional and it backfired. She thinks Nigel wants her to act like a Buffalo caricature, and she resents that: "Whatever, I'm not gonna get on there and be this hood ghetto bitch! I work at a BANK!" Photo Shoot: "My, What Long Legs You Have!"
After wondering if their Tyra mail was referring to giraffes, daddy long legs or some other freakish creature, the models show up at the photo studio and walk in to see three dancers doing a routine on tall, black, billowy stilts. And they're like ...
That's the photo concept, explains Jay. I'm relieved that there's no product placement or "branding" tie-in. Just a freaky-ass photo shoot for the sake of it -- now THIS is the Top Model
I know. And that sort of scares me. The girls are paired up for their photos, one girl from the winning team and one from the losing team. That way, at least one person in each photo will have to ... you know ... try.
Kayla (Safe) and Dominique's (Unsafe) Shoot:
Dominique has trouble varying her facial expressions. And she's not receptive when Jay tells her so. "I got a whole lotta face goin' on!" Camille (Safe) and Isis's (Unsafe) Shoot:
Isis is tripping and falling all over the place. Camille is determined to be the better half of the shot, but not because being the best is a reason and a reward unto itself. Oh no. Because Camille cannot resist an opportunity to say something awful and offensive. "How can someone who's transgender do something better than the actual, "real" woman?" she asks us. Oh good grief. Shut up, Camille.
Before her shoot, Bianca has a mini-freakout, crying in the bathroom because she still has a fear of heights -- she reminds us that she quit the flying photo shoot during her season -- and apparently that includes standing on the stilts. I know phobias aren't always logical, but ... COME ON. You're four feet off the ground, and you have a harness hooked to a wire and multiple spotters to make sure you won't fall over. Laura: "Wires break!" No, Laura. Sweetie. No. Not when tiny models are hanging from them during insured reality shows. Even though she's safe, Bianca goes through with the shoot, and we don't get a full Bianca explosion. YET. Have patience, my pets. It will come.
Lisa (Unsafe) and Bianca's (Safe) Shoot:
Jay says that Bianca looks like she's about to throw up. Which she is. But he's loving Lisa, who's right at home on the stilts, like she used to be in the circus. Did she? That honestly wouldn't surprise me. Jay: "She tried all sorts of interesting poses. Like, you forgot about Bianca." Allison (Safe) and Angelea's (Unsafe) Shoot:
Allison is looking va-va-voom, and Angelea is still pissed off at the world. When she's like this, the only noun in her vocabulary is 'bitch.' "This bitch is going to outshine me!" she worries, and then complains about her lower body strength: "I'm a strong bitch, but I'm a weak bitch."
Bre (Safe) and Laura's (Unsafe) Shoot:
Bre has a few problems with the posing, but she's safe from elimination. We don't see much from their shoot which probably means Laura will be fine.
Shannon (Safe) and Alexandria's (Unsafe) Shoot:
Jay makes sure to get in a dig at Shannon, who's once again proudly parading around in a skimpy outfit because it's technically "swimwear." Being on stilts only amps up Alexandria's "flair for the dramatic," as Jay puts it. Or, as I'd put it: She overacts more than Al Pacino playing a pro soccer player trying to fake an injury.Judging Panel
If you haven't heard today's big Top Model
news yet, I'm sorry to be the one to break it to you, but this is Andre's last cycle
. Next season, our elegant fashion elephant will be replaced by sour publicist bulldog Kelly Cutrone. Tragic, I know. But let's just try to appreciate the time we have with him and his remaining porkpie hats while we have it. Our guest judge this evening is Ms. Kristin Cavallari, "one of the biggest reality television stars living today," Tyra's jaunty suspenders explain. Andre's gauche porkpie hat looks like it might throw up at having to sit at the same table as her. God, I'm going to miss his face.Critique:Alexandria and Shannon:
"So Lady Gaga, it's culturally so exciting," says Andre. The judges love the photo, but Nigel wishes that Shannon had been more of a top than a bottom, so to speak.Angelea and Allison:
Angelea stops the judges before they can start, to address Nigel about the "Extra" interview. Nigel says that she doesn't have to be hood to have personality, and she toned herself down too much. To explain, Tyra tells a nonsensical story about how SNL
mocked her once. So I guess the lesson is to be worthy of parody, but don't BECOME the parody. (Sorry, Tyra. Too late.) As for Allison, the judges love her in this shot, because "Allison is giving us a booty tooch." That's Tyra's new term for arching your back and showing off your ass. I know it's stupid, but we should probably just embrace it, because it's here to stay. (See: "smize.") Dominique and Kayla:
Andre says Dominique is carrying the photo, and he would put her in "the SALON!" ... after airbrushing out Kayla. Kristin disagrees, she doesn't love or hate Dominique in this shot. Camille and Isis:
Nigel says it feels "clubby," and Camille tries to cover and say that the shoot reminded her of Carnivale, so she wanted it to seem "dancy." The judges say Isis didn't give enough energy and face. It's just ... blah.Laura and Bre:
Nigel says it could be a fragrance ad. Andre says Laura looks high fashion and Bre looks like a "robot out of Blade Runner
" [LOVE!] and Kristin once again disagrees with him, saying she wishes Bre had more of an expression. I bet he spits in her tea during commercial break.Lisa and Bianca:
Nigel to Lisa: "Do you ever have your photograph taken with your legs together?" Ohhhh, snap! It's hard to tell if Nigel loves or is disgusted by Lisa. I think his Britishness thinks she's too much, but the reality star in him knows she's gold. Tyra says Bianca looks like she lacks energy, but it works because she's pushing up Lisa's leg, so it looks like she's just super strong.
Tyra: "Six girls are up for a chop ... and I'm not
talking about their hair." (But what about their limbs?)Elimination
Tyra first calls out the safe girls, and gives the best photo to... ALLISON
. "And we've added a new word to Top Model'
s vernacular. Tooch. Can you say tooch?
" Tyra asks Allison. Poor, punished Allison. She meekly answers, "tooch
," knowing it's below her, but knowing she has no choice. Such is the price of selling your soul to the devil. Twice.
Second Photo: BIANCA SHANNON
(Tyra give it begrudgingly: "This picture is so whack, girl!")
Now to the "unsafe" girls:ALEXANDRIA
DOMINIQUEBottom Two: ANGELEA and ISIS
Tyra admits that they don't have the two worst photos, but that just shows how important the challenges are to winning. But it came down to the photo, and that means...ELIMINATED: ISIS and her gray shoulder pad yarmulke
She says she's shocked, but she doesn't seem that
shocked. Unfortunately, neither am I. I love Isis, but her modeling just didn't measure up, and I had a bad feeling that Tyra was only bringing her back as some sort of self-back-patting novelty exercise. "I leave here with a great impact on the other girls, and hopefully the world," our brave Isis says as she departs.
Do you have a question for Isis? I'm chatting with her tomorrow morning, so throw it down there in the comments. You guys really need to take advantage of this opportunity more! It's not every day you get the chance to ask a question to an ALL-STAR!Next Week:
The remaining girls will audition for a role on CSI
, and then Kayla will get so ill (vomiting all over the place
ill) that the paramedics come. Oh noooo!
(Images courtesy of CW)