It's finally here! The not so anticipated finale of Bachelor Pad
, in which we find out which of the three remaining "power couples" (what is it about that term in this context that still gives me the hearty LOLs?) made up of the "cool kids" (again, LOL-barf) who easily coasted their way through a small number of idiotic carnival games will win an unquestionable undeserved $250,000, as voted on by a group of their peers (fellow jerks, some of whom empirically proved earlier this season that they don't know the difference between right and left). America: This is our game show. Are you happy?
Tonight, on the Bachelor Pad
finale: In hour one, it's a Bachelor-Dancing with the Stars
mashup (because those don't happen often enough) as the remaining three couples must dance to the death (I wish). Hour two: The final two couples duke it out for the money in front of a live studio audience and all of this season's eliminated contestants. Hour three: I cry myself to sleep.
Who will win? (Who cares?) I guess we both do. Let's get through this together.
Dance for Your LIFE!
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Each couple has six hours to learn a ballroom routine from one of the Dancing with the Stars
Kovacs and Elizabeth have the rumba with Edyta, whose teaching method is about 80% straddling.
BOING! BOO :(
Which makes ol' eyebrows and peroxide over here ridiculously jealous, but all the more determined to "tap into [her] inner sexy being." Except you know what's NOT sexy? A big ol' pile of insecure crazy. And even Elizabeth doesn't sound like she believes it when she calls Kovacs "my man."
Natalie and Dave are learning the cha-cha from Louis van Amstel, who is Louis van Awesome as he asks Natalie to get really sexual with it, even describing one of the moves as "doggie style":
Bow chicka WOW WOW did you know this is still technically Prime Time?
And then he gives us this look when Natalie tells Dave, "Grab my boobs, it's safer":
Aye aye aye!
Whatever you were paid for this appearance, Louis, you earned it. Tenley and Kiptyn learn the foxtrot from Chelsie Hightower, and clumsy Kiptyn worries that he is going to let down these two little chipper chipmunks, but Tenley "believes in him." They probably sang a song about teamwork while tiny birds and mice sewed their ballroom garb, but that scene got cut so we could watch Elizabeth freak out about Edyta some more. BLAST!
Then, six hours later, it's PERFORMANCE TIME. The couples meet the judges: Melissa Rycroft (ONE OF THIS SHOW'S HOSTS, because how objective), Jake Pavelka (I guess it was a dream I had that he was legally prohibited from being on TV ever again) and Trista Rehn (Yeah, OK. Sure.). They will score each couple on performance, chemistry and effort, and the winning couple will earn roses, move to the finals and pick the other team who will join them in the finals.
Tenley is like, "Oh crap. Hi ex-boyfriend/sociopath Jake Pavelka!" And Jake's face is now permanently frozen? Into a murderer expression? GOOD IDEA bringing him back!
Such a good face. EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE ONE!
Anyway, then it's finally time to dance. Tenley and Kiptyn are up first, and she unleashes her secret weapon:
PROFESSIONAL DANCER FACE
Powerless against it, the judges award Tenley and Kiptyn
two 9s and an 8, for a total of 26 points
.Elizabeth and Kovacs
perform their rumba, and it is TERRRR-IIIIII-BBBBBLE. I feel chills of discomfort roll through my entire body as they alternate between writhing and half-stepping to music that could only be described as "soft core porn ringtone." And yet, the judges award them three 8s, for a total of 24 points.
I guess it doesn't matter what they get, because anything less than 26 puts them out of the running, BUT STILL. If that was worth an 8, then just humping on the ground was worth a 6. So, in the words of Trista: "Good job?" Natalie and Dave
perform their cha-cha last, and they put in a valiant effort, but only earn 25 points.
Tenley and Kiptyn win the roses, will go to the final, and get to pick which couple to take along with them. At first, Tenley feels like this:
But when it comes down to actually kicking Kovacs and Elizabeth out the door so her BFF Natalie can stay, Tenley feels like this:
Elizabeth really sums up the profound loss and tragic magnitude of the situation as she departs in her limo: "I'm bummed out."LIVE IN-STUDIO WINNER TIME: The Sweet Release of Death
An indeterminate number of weeks later, everyone regroups to decide whether Kiptyn and Tenley or Natalie and Dave "deserve" the money more. How do I choose when the real answer is "neither"? This is gonna be tough! But first, a quick update from our favorite contestants this season.
Elizabeth: Back to brunette. Broke up with Jesse. (WHAT?!) Still wiggidy wiggidy whacked. Gia and Wes: Wes broke up her relationship, and they're now in love? Maybe? But this seems like the first time they've seen each other and talked? ... Congratulations? Michelle: Still the most compatible with Jake Pavelka. That is to say: CRAZY FACE.
Tenley and Kiptyn (who are still dating) and Natalie and Dave (who are not, but are BFFs) face the probing questions of their spurned competitors, and have one last chance to plea for their votes. Juan questions whether Tenley earned her spot in the finals, and Jessie Sulidis says one of the best things I've ever heard: "Tenley was a top competitor in the pie-eating contest." BWAHAHAhahaha oh, this show! How does anyone keep a straight face? I mean, honestly.
After rehashing and not resolving their residual anger about the nonsensical ways in which they were all systematically eliminated, the others vote Dave and Natalie
into the final spot. And then, in the LAST 10 MINUTES, Bachelor Pad finally gets interesting.
Dave and Natalie are separated and each given two signs to choose from: "Keep" and "Share."
If one picks Keep and the other chooses Share, Keep gets to keep the money.
If they both pick Share, they will share the money evenly.
If they both pick Keep, everyone else from the show gets the money. At this last news, Jonathan and Juan run across the aisle and passionately embrace each other, which is just ... perfection. But back to Nat 'n' Dave: WHAT TO DO?
Because it's the only way to guarantee money and to not look like a total A-hole, they both choose ...
So, in the end, the lesson of this show was about teamwork? And sharing? It's true that Bachelor Pad
did operate at a kindergarten cognition level, but still ... I don't really get it. At no point did this show even attempt to teach one useful lesson about relationships, except how to ruin them. So maybe
it was just about manipulating others through sex and lies, and then pulling over one final con by only appearing
generous by settling for $125,000 instead of $250,000 to maximize one's chances of taking home any money at all. Ah, now I get it.
Congratulations, Natalie and Dave. You won Bachelor Pad
. And congratulations, you. You WATCHED Bachelor Pad
. Personally, I think you're
the one more deserving of a hefty cash prize. At least give yourself a pat on the back.What did you think of the season finale of Bachelor Pad? Happy about who won? Do you hope for a second season?
(Images courtesy of ABC)