Rose ceremonies are a staple of Bachelor
Nation, but lately every show in the franchise has been drawing them out as long as possible. In this episode of Bachelor in Paradise
the rose ceremony delays reach their zenith. There's one date, but most of the two-hour affair is one big build-up for the first rose ceremony, the ceremony that nearly didn't happen because of the scandal. There is admittedly some fun to be had with this interminable rose ceremony. Mostly, though, it's a very good thing that two episodes of Bachelor in Paradise
air a week because this installment is the definition of filler.
The Battle for Raven ... Again
The mysterious new Bachelor glimpsed at the end of the previous episode is Adam from Rachel's season. So the reveal (and the contestant) is precisely as boring as expected. While Adam is a bit of a dud, he does bring some complications with him.
Adam decides, like countless metrosexuals at this resort before him, that Raven is the girl for him. Though Kristina is basically throwing herself at him, Adam's not interested. Adam met Raven during the hiatus in Dallas, which begs the question if anyone in this franchise associates with "normal people" anymore, and he wants to pursue her on Paradise.
Sadly for Ben, and his dog at home, Raven is kind of into it. Adam is enough to put anyone to sleep. His creepy doll sidekick has more personality than him, but Raven is weirdly charmed. This severely bums out Ben because he has so much in common in Raven. They both have dogs, who are one week apart in age, so clearly they're soulmates. (As funny as Ben's dog obsession is, it's incredible that there is an actual conflict here between him and Adam.) The choice is easy, but Raven keeps both guys in suspense through the Rose Ceremony.
The Rose Ceremony isn't just a time of uncertainty for Adam and Ben. Nearly every guy but Derek (who is still stuck to Taylor's face) is worried about where their rose is. This leads to all the standard scrambling. Iggy basically admits that his interest in Lacey only goes petals deep. He doesn't want to be with her; he just wants her rose. Diggy moves in on Lacey too -- yes, Iggy and Diggy are going after the same woman -- but it seems to be from genuine interest. (Once again, this is an easy choice and not just because the most compelling thing about Iggy is if he will finally burst out of his too small shirt.)
Elsewhere, Alex is shocked to learn that he won't be getting Amanda's rose. Amanda has moved on to Robby and his bonkers hair. Amanda might be stuck between a rock and a douchey place with Alex and Robby, but going for either one is a mistake. In any case, Alex starts negotiating with every woman for a rose. It's so pathetic that Jasmine, of all people, comments on his thirstiness.
Jasmine is the last person who should be calling anyone desperate. Jasmine continues to dance around professing her love for Matt, but he doesn't get anywhere near the same level. Jasmine is all over Matt, but he looks at her like she's not any more alluring than the omnipresent throw pillows of Paradise.
They're not the only couple on rocky ground either. Dean begins to officially distance himself from Kristina, which shocks no one but her.
Finally a Rose Ceremony (and Some Drama)
The Rose Ceremony arrives, and there are a couple of surprises but not many. Raven ends up giving Adam her rose, but Danielle M. does swoop in to save Ben for another round. Ben's reunion with his dog is delayed another week.
Vinny ends up going home, which is a shame, but the other three guys who leave won't be missed in any measure. The first Rose Ceremony bids farewell to Alex, Nick and Iggy.
The biggest mistake of the ceremony might be Kristina's rose, which she gives to Dean. Though all empirical evidence suggests that Dean is just not into her, Kristina continues to put all her eggs in his basket.
When Danielle L. from Nick's season arrives, Dean proceeds to take those eggs and dump them directly at Kristina's angry Russian feet. Maybe it is just the accent, but an angry Kristina is far more terrifying than any of the other girls, including Jasmine, who definitely wouldn't hesitate to choke someone out.
"D-Lo" takes Dean on a date, and it's insufferable. D-Lo laughs at everything. Dean does his awkward giggles, kisses D-Lo and manages to ruin the goodwill he has in Bachelor Nation in the progress. When Dean returns from the date, he tries to repair things with Kristina and, shockingly, it works. How is anyone's guess because the two's conversations are still a series of mumbles, but Krisdeana is back on ... until a watermelon ruins it all.
A Half Birthday and a Broken Heart
Dean and Kristina are cuddling with everyone by the fire when Dean once again inserts his foot into his mouth. Dean goes to the bar and comes back with a watermelon covered in icing and announces that today is D-Lo's half-birthday and they must celebrate. The impact of this one act is insanity.
Kristina runs off and cries, D-Lo continues to laugh like a gorgeous Asian Joker, and Dean is oblivious to it all. Half-birthdays are not a thing, but neither should this stupid fight. Alexis sums it all up when she explains that she's done with Dean and everything around him. She wants to leave and eat pizza. Same, Alexis.
What do you think? Are half-birthdays in any way a real thing? How do you feel about Dean after this episode? Are you sad to see any of the Bachelors leave? Let us know your thoughts in the comments section below.