Tonight on America's Next Top Model
: It's all about FAME
! How to get it, how to handle it, and how to keep it from getting the best of you. Unfortunately, it's NOT about what to do when you never achieve it or how to cope when your 15 minutes of reality stardom are over, since those are the lessons that would be most useful to seven of the eight remaining model-wannabes. OH WELL. That wouldn't be nearly as fun as this:
Tyra surprises the girls with her ability to teleport: As soon as they're home from elimination (RIP Dalya) Tyra is already in their house. Waiting. Watching. ("The egomania ... it's coming from INSIDE the house!") She truly is
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Tyra notices Molly's grumpy face, and asks what's wrong. Molly is having a no good, very bad day: She's hungry, she has a rash, people are buggin' her, her weave wrap is too tight and OH YEAH, there's a parasitic pasta monster sewn to her head. But no worries, Tyra is going to chop it off. As soon as she's done teaching the models about their "archetypes" and "how to handle fame." It's Delusions 101 with Professor Know-It-All!
If you are trying to figure out what these equations mean, don't bother. They are total gibberish, invented by the mind of a famous maniac. (Famniac?)Lesson One: "Archetypes."
Tyra gives an overview of the various model
"types" (sexy, fresh/girl next door, edgy/badass and couture) and says
that all models can be high fashion. Cue the humble brags!
Monique: "I'm really flattered by being a bombshell. That's what my whole goal is." Cool life aspiration! Very vital, inspirational, etc. Mikaela: "Maybe I'm not feeling like a bombshell. Maybe I'm not feeling sexy enough." Aw yeah, girl. I feel ya. That's the cause of all MY problems, too!Lesson Two: How to deal with fame.
Tyra says it can be challenging, but Jaclyn's unfazed:
"I'm not worried about being famous. I love people and I love little kids. I think it would be awesome to have people look up to you like that." She knows exactly what's ahead: Baring it all to earn the admiration of children! Monique
: "It is definitely important to have boundaries with your fans. There's a lot of weird people in the world." Oh good grief.Then Tyra teaches the girls HOW TO WRITE THEIR AUTOGRAPHS,
which is what signatures are called when someone pays you for it, instead of you writing it on the receipt of what you
I was kidding when I made that joke in the photo gallery
, but that is what is actually happening.
Tyra shows them what her autograph looks like. It's her name written, nothing-special-like, next to a heart. JUST WHEN WE THOUGHT THE LESSON COULDN'T GET MORE USELESS! Tyra: "Make it special, because mine sucks. The heart? Everybody does that!" This is like an SNL
spoof what models talk about when they hang out. "What kind of heart should I make? Is this heart too slutty??" I can't handle it. I'm losing my mind with the insanity of it all! Lesson Three: "Thick skin."
Tyra says the bad things people (me? is she talking about ME?) say about her online still hurt sometimes. Alexandria isn't too worried about that (good thing, since everything online about her thus far is pretty bad!) and says, "I'm as tough as a diamond, and that's as tough as you can be," (LOL) and reveals that her past includes physical, verbal and mental abuse at home that has prepared her to DWI (deal with it!). I honestly feel bad for her if that's the case, but this sounds like a vicious cycle: Last week she said her abusive past also explains why she acts so bossy and hostile to the other girls, which is why people say bad things about her! And for a girl who's as "tough as a diamond," she sure cries a lot.
Meanwhile: Molly gets her weave removed. Hooray! And Monique is "super annoyed" that Hannah won best photo last week. She's talking about her small town upbringing and big time dreams. This puts her on may-jah ELIMINATION WATCH.
Challenge: "Autograph Signing Challenge"
Miss J meets the girls at some sort of outdoor courtyard. It appears to be a college of some sort, or maybe a mall? Definitely somewhere where the denizens are bored, easily persuaded and possibly caged to prevent their escaping and attempting activities that actually interest them. There, the girls are going to meet their "fans" (aka people hired to get
autographs from a bunch of hot girls who, at that point, had yet to be
on TV at all).
This is what "enabling" looks like.
So let me get this straight: The challenge is to not be a bitch to strangers? For half an hour or so? HAHA! What a "challenge." Celebrity Lyfe: It's so hard! The winner gets an "A-list" dinner out on the town with Miss J. Oh my god, 15 minutes in and the disconnect from reality in this episode has already sent me off the edge.
Guess who else is over the edge! Monique, who is already "over it:" "I just wanted to be like, can you go now? Because I don't want to talk to you anymore." An endearingly awkward, bordering-on-creepy man asks Monique for a kiss, and she tells him that she can't (because she doesn't want to) but that Alexandria will do it. Ooooh, girl! That's low. So the poor, lonely, cripplingly pathetic man shuffles over to Alexandria, who tells him that her boyfriend, THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER, would not approve. He keeps pushing for the kiss, which instantly makes him 80% less endearing and 90% more creepy. I really hope he is an actor. Alexandria finally relents and gives him a hesitant kiss on the cheek. "James" then asks for her number. JAMES! Stop it, James! Have some self-respect, man!
Someone help this lonely, sad little man, because his magical genie back there is doing NOTHING for him!Miss J gives his feedback:
Alexandria should not
have kissed James on the cheek, because, Miss J says, "Doing that could lead him on ... to stalking you.
" HAHAHA! Brittani doesn't feel bad for Alexandria, the potential stalking victim: "She did what Monique said she would do." Miss J likes how Kasia talked a lot with her "fans" while keeping it "model-y." His harshest words are for Monique, who "just stood there like a board" ... bitch. The word he is looking for is "bitch." (She then looks at J like a pissed bitch.)The winner: Kasia.
She picks Jaclyn and Brittani to join her in a "personalized" dinner with Miss J. The losers have to clean up the "fan mess." From the looks of the seats (wait, WHAT seats? was there some sort of seminar going on while James sexually harassed Alexandria?) when the girls' "fans" weren't clamoring for autographs, they were tearing up paper cups and napkins with the insane ferocity of rabid wolverines. Maybe they really were caged freaks! Monique throws a prissy fit about cleaning, moaning and dramatically shuffling around in her heels like every chick flick character you've ever seen who Got What Was Coming to Her Entitled Ass in the end of the film.
At dinner, Miss J spits out truth bombs in between courses: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but all those ugly words made me wealthy." Hahaha. Stitch THAT on a gold-woven pillow, bitch!Back at Model Mansion:
Brittani says it was a "purrrrfect evening," and Monique tries to rain on the winners' parade as they brag about their dinner (OMG there was a BUFFET?!?!), until Tyra Mail interrupts her passive aggressive tantrum. Monique then tells the camera that "obviously" she is on the verge of an emotional breakdown. Which, "obviously" again, means she's on Elimination Watch.
America's Next Top Model Bleeping Technologies: Brought to you by Cracker Jacks. Photo Shoot: "Oh, What a Tangled Webs We Weave..."
The Tyra Mail poets must be on vacation, because that clue has very little to do with this week's photoshoot: They're split up into blondes and brunettes, and they'll be covered in mud and posing as a group. Jay explains: "It's about artistic." Um. OK?
Molly points out that each of the blondes has gotten a best photo so far, so they're not worried about taking down the brunettes. Kasia can barely say Tyra's "plus-size" euphemism, "fiercely real," with a straight face, but she bravely attempts as she explains that she is not self-conscious about being in a bikini. Meanwhile, Alexandria loves the mud, because it feels like home:
"I feel like I just came out of the earth!" (Like a worm. Or a potato. Or a dark spirit from the underworld.)
The blondes' shoot:
Molly and Hannah start off "owning" the shot, and Kasia seems (DING DONG!) self-conscious. Then Jay reorganizes them, and ... it starts
: "Alexandria, why are you redirecting the shot?" says Jay. Uh ohhhhh. Jay only thinks she was directing the other girls, claims Alex, but either way, "it's going to be bad for me." Brittani: "She's not reformed at all. She's still the same disrespectful person she was a couple weeks ago.
" Geez, can't people EVER change?The brunettes' shot:
Mikaela is determined to drop the BOMB(shell) in this one, but ends up "lackluster" according to Jay. Jaclyn is having a tough time, and looking too "animalistic." Check this out: Both what Jaclyn is saying, and what's happening beside her:
Haha! Double "Whuuuut?"
Hannah says they "kind of look like a family portrait of cavewomen." Girl, you should be a blogger, cuz you NAILED IT! Jay says Monique keeps switching between model and "pretty woman." (Or does he mean Pretty Woman
?) Brittani is the photographer's pet.
Aaaand that's a wrap.Judging and Elimination:
This week's judge is Sonia Dara, the first model of South Asian descent to be featured in the Sports Illustrated
swimsuit issue. Also the first guest judge of the season to get almost zero airtime and no incorporation into the episode's theme. Sorry, Sonia.Brunette critique: Monique
: Sonia: "Your neck looks fantastic." Tyra: "You're kind of surfing in the middle." Nigel drops the bomb: "If you took her out of this picture, the picture's just as strong."
: Nigel: "You rock in this picture." ALT: "Your hands look a little bit heavy, but your face is fabulous." Tyra: "Absolutely stunning."Mikaela
: (You arrrre the) "weakest link." Tyra: "You put your energy in your mouth." Brittani
: ALT: "The standout." Tyra: "Your left leg is amputee-ed," but even so, "They are your maidens and you are the star." ALT loves her: "That 'me, defiant' pout is very intriguing."Blonde critique:
The overall consensus is that their photo is less "editorial" and more "billboard."Hannah:
"There's thought and emotional range." Sonia: "You're calm but you're delivering intensity." Tyra: "I fee a sense of class portrait-y." Nigel: "She photographs as you see her. She's not a chameleon. Which is very commercial"Molly:
Nigel: "You have a slightly weak eye." Kasia:
"Very impressive." ALT: "Kasia is the highlight of this."Alexandria
: ALT thinks it's "a little bit pose-y." Tyra: "I love your back hunched." And the winner for best photo is ... Brittani
! (Yes. I agree with this.)Runner up: Kasia
. (OK. Yes. Sure.)
And the rest go to:Molly
(ALT takes this opportunity tell her that her "tassel" and bonnet" NEED ta go. He is officially my hero.)
When ALT hates your hat, you don't just throw it on the floor. You BURN IT.Bottom Two: MIkaela and Monique
Tyra says the brunettes prevailed in the group shot, but these two didn't add enough to the picture. Mikaela: "Same note, over and over again. Dead eyes
." She's not "holding on to the handlebars of fierceness." Molly: "Someone who's not the best but not the worst." She's sailin'! And not in a good, sexy, bourgeois way!Eliminated: Monique
Monique rolls her eyes so hard I think her eyes might pop outta her head. Tyra says she loved having Monique in the competition because her ass reminded Tyra of her own young ass.
(No. Seriously. She slapped it to indicate which aspect of Monique to which she was referring, and everything.)
Monique: "I'm shocked right now. I did not see this coming. There's something inside of me holding me back." Hmmm. What could it be? I'll make sure to ask when I chat with her tomorrow morning. Have a question for Monique? Post it in the comments, and maybe I'll ask yours, too!
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The Alexandria drama continues, and it will lead to a crying, swearing, storming-out Brittani meltdown. OH NO!(Images courtesy of the CW)