Tonight on Top Model
: Baby kittiezzzzz! (Please imagine that in the
Top Model rapper's voice, you know, that guy who says "Oh ladiezzzzz!" in the intro
music. Thanks!) Plus more 'tude from Alexandria, and our continued coverage of the "Whatever That Thing Sewn to Molly's Head Is, I Think It's a Lifetime Supply of Barilla Pasta?" saga.
But first, the girls come back from last week's elimination, where Kasia got first call-out, and for whatever reason this is just cracking me up:
She looks like a Real Doll. Or a robot. Also, out of context, "Milked every second" sounds more like a torture method than a compliment. GOD I just love this show so much!!!
Alexandria is like "Nooooo, nononono!" about how my boyfriend Francesco accused her of directing on set last week. She doesn't like it when people don't "get her." She wasn't DIRECTING, she was just imposing her WILL. (That's what it's called when people who are always right and should be in charge of everything because they're unquestionable geniuses do it, right?)
Molly is still bitching about her weave, and I can't blame her. Girlfriend is looking CRAZY. Remember on Arrested Development
when Tobias almost dies because he gets those hairplugs and his system rejects them? It's like that, but with a cracked-out Rapunzel wig that may or may not be a sentient, ever-growing parasitic organism. Fight, Molly, FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE!
Shhhh! It's napping. You'll wake and anger it. AHH! See? Look what you DID! It grows, it GROWWWWS!!!
Long bitch-fest short: Alexandria is pissing off everybody, and when they're not talking to each other about it, they're talking to the confessional (aka US!) about it. If you were to make an "Alexandria" word cloud, the biggest ones would be: psycho
, "severe psychological issues," and (that ol' standby!) bitch
. Challenge: Filming a "Get the Look" online video for Cover Girl OMGGGG!!!
(Sidenote: Is it Covergirl? Cover Girl? CoverGirl? I've never gotten a handle on this. It bothers me. Second sidenote: The other day our own Carla Patton tweeted this
and I saw it and just laughed and laughed. And LAUGHED. Their slogan should really just be "Cover Girl: We'll blast the s*** outta your eyes!" Ellen could pull it off.)
The models are split into three teams of three to make a one-minute video, each with a different "look" to promote whatever Cover Girl's new natural naked foundation blast stuff is. I honestly can't be bothered to figure out what mile-long free-associative name they've given this new one. The winning video will be posted on Covergirl.com. Each girl picks a role out of a fish jar (Writer, Director or "Talent," which will always be in quotation marks because that's IRONIC) and of course Alexandria gets "talent." She straps on her latex bossy pants and the gals get to work! And by "work," I mean "women's work," and by "women's work," I mean MAKEUP! Team 1: Monique (director), Alexandria ("talent"), Molly (writer)
Immediately Alexandria starts bossing around her whole team, and tries to write the commercial for Molly, who is distracted by her weave, which keeps whispering clunky dialogue ideas in her ear. Monique thinks Alexandria doesn't realize she comes off as a bitch. BUT I THINK SHE MIGHT! Because there's basically no other way to interpret the expressions and words and general aura that escapes her face (when she is awake). Their team starts fighting "like cats and dogs" (thanks, adorable Jaclyn!) because Alexandria is bitching about how everyone thinks she's a bitch and having a bad attitude about how everyone thinks she has a bad attitude. It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife. She is like, "You think I have no cooperation skills? Well NOW I don't even feel like doing this! And you can't fire me because I QUIT!"
Well, that didn't literally happen, but this did:
Monique: Should we hug? A three-way kiss? Would that make you feel better?
Alexandria: An orgy.
But no, then they downgrade back to a hug. SORRY, BOYS. The hug solves all their problems, except for the big unfixable one with the long straight blonde hair and the BADITUDE! (Ha! Do you like how I combined "bad" and "attitude" like that? I bet I'm the first person to ever do that and because I am so confident I'm not even going to Google it.)
I guess the hug didn't take, because Alexandria still acts like a diva when they film their spot and keeps yelling "ACTION!" (more like "inaction," LOL get it? She's not doing anything!), but Monique keeps
it together as director by fawning over her and calling her "babe." Alexandria says she "nailed it," but her face sure didn't:
Alexandria: "Blah Blah Cover Girl Lash Blast Smash."Team 2: Brittani (director), Mikaela ("talent"), Kasia (writer)
Alexandria's Face: "I don't believe anything I am saying."
Mikaela drops the f-bomb every time she messes up in the video, which Jay does NOT f***ing appreciate. Her script is solid and she delivers, but it sounds too rehearsed and she's a little stiff.
"Buy this f***ing makeup, you f***ing f***s!"Team 3: Hannah (director), Dalya ("talent"), Jaclyn (writer)
For their "bold/colorful eye" assignment, they decide the premise is that Dalya is going to a party and wants to impress a guy, and she will do that by smearing (oh, excuse me, BLASTING) neon-green "smokey shadow blast" all over her eyelids. Their team decides to go for more of a "conversation" than a script. A conversation full of "uhhs" and "umms" and Dalya saying she feels "naked" a few too many times. Despite the verbal nudity, it's boring and they run out of time before they get a good take. Jay critiques the spots:
Mikaela swore too much, but was relatable. (Yes! I actually find swearing very
relatable.) Dalya wasn't informative enough. Alexandria was trying to do everyone's jobs and yelling "action," but Monique was CCC (that's a thing I also just invented and it stands for "cool, calm and collected." I'm a word whiz!!!). The winner: Team F***! (Mikaela's team.) Mikaela celebrates her impending internet stardom by licking her hands:
I'm gonna be a meowwwwww-vie star!!!
Alexandria to Monique: "I was telling MYSELF action, not you." NOBODY GETS HER. Back at the Model Mansion:
Alexandria holes up in the phone room and calls her boyfriend (she has a boyfriend? whatta luckyyyy guyyyyy
), and then we hear the backstory that makes me feel bad for calling her so many names: Her parents split up because of abuse, and she has three tiny siblings she has always tried to protect. She starts crying and says that she just had to grow up fast, and maybe if they other girls knew, they'd understand and like her more.
Meanwhile, the other girls are in their living room musing about whether Alexandria takes crazy pills, and what the dosage might be. Then Monique has the BRILLIANT* (*NOT BRILLIANT) idea to look in her diary to see what Alexandria "really thinks" of all of them. Monique then starts screaming excerpts from Alexandria's diary, in which, instead of talking smack (to herself), she writes about how lonely and isolated she feels. Monique: "I feel baaaaaad. Should I tell her?" and Molly's all, "Naaaaaah."
"Co-conspirators"! ("Jerks")Photo Shoot: Holding a baby jaguar at the zoo
To promote Rachel Zoe's new faux fur line (woof) the girls are going to be dressed up like "fashion versions of wild animals" and pose with thiiiis liiiiittle guyyyyyy!!!!!
Oops, I've been calling it a baby leopard all week, but he's actually a baby jaguar. Named MURATO. (I die. I come back to life. I keep writing.) Monique continues her "no soul" campaign by saying she's not excited about this because she isn't really a "cat person." The photo shoot: Hannah
's shoot is totally gorgeous. Brittani
does well, but her hair reminds me of Rhea Perlman
gets flustered and almost drops the cat. Her poses are basically garbage, says Jay. But he says it nicer. Dalya
is doing "remedial modeling" says Jay, and she starts crying about how she "wants this more than anybody here." (Uh oh. Words like that put Dalya on "elimination watch.") Monique
starts whining some more about how the baby jaguar is sleepy, like that's a BAD THING and not the CUTEST THING EVER. Molly
gets him when he's getting "cranky," and Jay is disappointed that she looks like sex and drugs and rock 'n' roll but is posing like "June Cleaver." Alexandria
is the most excited to pose with the cat, who's really growling now, so she growls back. And barks, too. They're really connecting!
After the photo shoot, Alexandria hopes that Jay will tell Tyra and the panel what a good attitude she had, but the other girls are (not so) secretly hoping she gets sent home so they can stop sleeping with one eye open. Rastafarian Molly is tired of her crap!Judging Panel
Tyra introduces Rachel Zoe and takes the girls to Stylist School: "Let me tell you about stylists. It used to be stylists were in the background. Now stylists determine who the next top models are going to be, who the next celebrities are going to be." Who knew stylists were so powerful? Do you think Obama was a stylist before he was a senator? They're like the Illuminati of closets, you guys.
Oh hiiii, Andre!Critique:Jaclyn:
They love her big hair and think she's "rock and roll," but I don't get it. I think she looks ridiculous. Like she's dropping/giving birth to the cat and her face is all ... smushed. I don't understand the judges at ALL today!
ALT doesn't think her hands "evoke power," and Tyra says she lacks tension in her body. "You need to grab onto the handlebars of fierceness and not let go." (Pure poetry.) Tyra wishes she could be on set with Mikaela so she could strangle her into realizing her potential.Molly:
Her face is interesting, but the clothes are out of the shot, and her hair is B-A-N-A-N-A-S-S-S-S-S (like a million S's, basically). Tyra says she was sleepy and "not present" in her film, and hating her weave is NOT an excuse. "I'm the queen of the bad weaves, honey." Molly refrains from braiding her hair into a noose. Barely. Monique:
Tyra says Monique looks fabulous and managed not to get upstaged by the cat. ALT is seeing "Vampire Diaries." I believe he means this as a compliment.Kasia:
It's ... AWFUL! You guys, it's awful, right? I must be going crazy, because the judges adore it, though Tyra says it was a "luck" shot. Rachel thought Kasia would look "cheap" (OHHHHsnap!) but she likes the vibe in the shot.Dalya:
Nigel thinks she looks like she's about to cry (and now she is!), and ALT wishes she had roared. Tyra: "You can't just stand there, because your bone structure wears YOU." (Uhhh. Isn't that the point of skin? Our bones "wear" us on the outside?) Brittani:
Maybe because she passed this morning (RIP) but I'm now seeing Liz Taylor in her shot. Nigel says she makes him want to buy that coat. And he's a MAN! (Sorta.)Alexandria:
Nigel likes it, but he thinks he likes it because of the jaguar. Tyra: "I think it's fun, I don't think it's model-esque." Tyra says it's just an "ugly-pretty" face, but not in an "editorial" way.Hannah:
ALT thinks it's "SO LUSH!" Rachel is so in love with the shot that she doesn't even care that you can't see her clothes in it. Maybe that would actually help sales!
Tyra changes it up this week: "The judges and I will deliberate, and when you come back I will announce which girl is ... extinct
." I lol'd so hard that I actually brought the dodo bird back to life.Best photo goes to: Hannah
The rest: BrittaniJaclynMoniqueAlexandria
)KasiaMikaelaBottom Two: Molly and Dalya
(WHAT?! I seriously don't get it. The world makes no SENSE!)
Tyra says Molly has had "hair trouble" all season, but that's not an excuse to look so disengaged and "vacant." ("It's sucking my will to LIVE!" - What Molly doesn't say) "And then we have Dalya," who is stunning but is coming off "desperate" and is standing in her own way. Eliminated: Dalya
Nooooooo! Really, Tyra? The only remaining black contestant, and such a BEAUTIFUL one to boot? Everything is upside down today. Tyra shames Dalya for having so much runway experience but doubting herself. Dalya says she's "almost embarrassed" but is proud she made the top 9. I'm so sad she's gone. I mean, look at our top 8:
It's BEYOND THE PALE that Dalya is gone.Next Week:
Tyra teaches the girls how to handle fame (LOL) and Brittani says she's "definitely ready for the fans and fame." Later, Nigel informs Alexandria that people think she's a bitch, and she looks very shocked. So I guess the theme for the episode will be "delusions?"I should have started doing this sooner:
Have any questions for Dalya? I'm talking to her tomorrow. Post your question in the comments, and if I like it, I will ask it, and she will answer it, and then I will post the answer, and you will read that answer, and you will feel so happy and satisfied because KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!
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(Images courtesy of The CW)