Tonight on America's Next Top Model:
There are only two episodes and five girls left! Tonight, the contest heats up with go-sees in Milan. Say it with me and the rapper who sings the crazy laser-filled ANTM
intro: "OH LADIEZZZ!"
Now that we're down to the best of the best, who are you rooting for? My heart is with Kayla
, as anyone who's been following along knows. But there are also smaller, but still special, compartments of my heart that belong to Chris,
even though there was an early indication tonight that she might not care about winning so much (though, do you blame her? also: that probably means goodbye, Chris) and Jane
Actually, I also like Ann
(she's so weird, though I'm backlashing the judges' adoration) and Chelsey
(she's a pro). I like 'em all! That's bizarre for Top Model
. Usually there is one girl in the top 5 whom I want see fly so close to the sun only to get her s*** brutally Icarus'd, but not this time. I'm not sure how to handle it.
It's GO-SEE time!
And in an unprecedented turn of events, Tyra is especially helpful, hands-on and (dare I say it? Yes, I do dare:) humble in her instructions on how to put together the girls' books as they prepare to go-see in Milan. Put a pillow underneath your jaw before you watch so it doesn't shatter when it hits the floor:
Who are you, and what have you done with my megalomaniac?! (Although there was a solid glimpse of regular Tyra in the throwaway mention of, "that was before Paris.") Also: HOW MANY NEWSY HATS DOES TYRA OWN?
The rules: The girls have to take public transportation to their four go-and-sees (the Italian term), which include VERSACEEEEEEEEAHHHHH!
The go-see map, brought to you courtesy of Mission Impossible 4: Tom Cruisin' for a Bruisin'
"I've been on a million go-sees. I've done this before. I was born going and seeing." - Chelsey, all the time. WE GET IT.
Chelsey and Kayla team up for their go-sees, and so do Chris and Jane. Anne follows Chelsey and Kayla the whole time, hiding behind street lamps and discarded streetsweepers' brooms every time they get the sneaking feeling that someone is behind them.
Did you hear something? Oh, no, I guess it was just that telephone pole shuffling.
Over at VERSACEEEEEAH! Angelo isn't impressed: He says Jane has a terrible walk, Chris looks like a model from the 80s, and Chelsey's look is "so two seasons ago." On Kayla: "Not for show." The only one he likes is Ann, because she has the "perfect body."
After Versace, the getting lost starts. The Italian metro, like the Internet, is a confusing series of "tubes" that lead everywhere and yet nowhere, and make it far too easy to get lost for hours at a time. Chris [non-literally] shoots herself in the [literal] foot and can't walk anymore, so she and Jane pack it in after Versace and get back to home base in time.
The ONLY girl who makes it to more than one go-see is Chelsey (which she books, because she's a PRO), and yet--AND YET--both Ann and Kayla are late to return. After only one go-see. That is how lost they get. Ann's crying again. "Unacceptable," says the bald guy from IMG. I concur. The verdict: Chelsey wins. Of course! Did you know she's done this before?
For all the getting lost, this go-see day was tragically boring. Remember last season's go-sees with Angelea? That whole day was seriously so great.
Angelea knew how to make an impression on a designer. High fashion is great and all, but it's so serious
up in here tonight, and serious is dull.
At home, Chelsey gets a present for her win: A Versace jacket. "You can tell it's not a knockoff." - Kayla. Haha, OF COURSE it's not. C'mon, Kayla. Can you imagine? "Here's a cheap imitation of something we would make, Love, Versace."
Tyra only cuts corners where it doesn't count as much: Production graphics and theme songs and set designs and photo shoot concepts.
Photo Shoot: Stone COLD.
Tonight's photo shoot turns the girls into human Venetian statues through the magic of paper mache. Jay Manuel misses a rare opportunity to ham it up as a Venetian statue come to life when he explains the assignment is to become so attracted to the sculptor that the girls, the statues, come to life. Like that Greek dude, Pygmalion. In this case, Pygmalion is a stone-carving, stone-cold fox:
Jane thinks that her normal "stiff" nature will work well in this job of acting like human stone, but she's not being sexy enough. "You're not in a relationship, are you?" says Jay. "It shows." Owww. YA BURNT. He tries to get her feeling sexy (by thinking about her lacrosse team? OK?), but instead she starts feeling sad (failure does that), which, thanks to the makeup and her red eyes, actually just looks like NIGHTMARES:
Things and people "made of stone" aren't supposed to cry for a reason. And the reason is that it is SCARY when they do.
Jay, in a sassier mood than usual, says the best/creepiest thing ever about Ann, who's really into the photo shoot: "Mama is getting her itch scratched, WHOO!" He then explains what he meant: Ann is an art enthusiast. Yeah, sure. Rubbing up on a male model and making O-faces. "Art."
Meanwhile ... Chris, everyone:
Chris's foot hurts, and it starts to show in her face halfway through the shoot. Nigel tells her to embrace the pain, but that doesn't really work. This isn't a Gatorade commercial.
Everyone aces the shoot except Jane and Chris, which means they will certainly be our bottom two. This makes me sad. If my heart wasn't made of stone, I might even shed one of those little human eyeball raindrops I hear so much about. But the sadness passes. On to CRITICIZING PEOPLE'S LOOKS! See all the final photos and more of the girls turning to stone here.Judging and Elimination:
It's time to discuss how the new tradition of showing backstage pre-panel footage on this show is AWESOME. Oh, you want proof?
The judges are NOT pleased that the girls only got to one or two go-sees. Tyra is visibly thrilled to have so much opportunity to patronize. She misses those moments from The Tyra Show.
"Giiiirl, you gotta get BOOKED. Have some self RESPECT!" But they ARE pleased with tonight's photos. Except Chris's and Jane's, as predicted, which were both sponsored by Ambien:
"The face is sleepy." "It's like he put you to sleep."
Guest judge Kyle says Ann is very high fashion, but isn't confident enough to be commercial. By the way, Ann still has clay in her hair, and NO ONE SAID ANYTHING:
Ann really can do no wrong. Normally Tyra would have walked out from behind the judges' table and licked it out of the girl's hair like a mama cat just to embarrass her. But, since the judges love her photo and guest judge Kyle Hagler says Ann ooooooozes
high fashion editorial, they let her post-Playdough-playtime look slide.
Here is Nigel's Yelp review of Chelsey: "Would book again."
Tyra loves Chris, but Kyle smells the stench of commercial
upon her, and Andre says "She could be the next Wanda Sykes," (compliment
?) who of course, as we all know, screams MODEL. The bell tolls for Chris.
Tyra asks Kyle how long it would take Jane to develop a personality (err, a whole life?) and he says "a little more time than a couple of weeks." No doy.
It's time to go from 5 to 4. Best picture of the week goes to ... KAYLA!Chelsey
are next. Which leaves Jane
in the bottom two:Eliminated: Chris.
Jane gets to stay because the judges saw "a human being" in her after TEN WEEKS on the show, but "only a crack." Basically, she saved herself by crying. Is that a Top Model
Tyra tells Chris that she should be a commercial model/comedienne, "because you have a gift." Chris then throws in that she's also a singer. She could have a one-woman show! And now she has some "living statue" experience in her back pocket, which we all know is one of the best and least creepy ways to become a performer.
The FINALE! Kayla, Ann, Chelsey and Jane compete to become America's Next Top Model in their toughest challenges yet: A "sexy" commercial directed by Tyra, and meetings with Vogue Italia's EIC, Franca Sozzanni.
(Images courtesy of CW)