'America's Next Top Model' Recap: Dead in the Water
'America's Next Top Model' Recap: Dead in the Water
Meghan Carlson
Meghan Carlson
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
Tonight on America's Next Top Model: It's all about professionalism. Whether you're riding a roller coaster at Knott's Berry Farm with Joe the Plumber or being posed as an "Elizabethan mermaid" (whatever that means) by the godlike Matthew Rolston, it's important to always act--and look--your best.

Just ask Tyra:

tyra-teatime.jpg(Obligatory funny Tyra face of the week)

Where we left off last week: Lexie is still reeling from getting called "deaditorial" (Best. Tyra-ism. EVER.) and worries she could go home this week. The other girls are starting to get threatened by Ann, who had the best photo two weeks in a row. Especially Rhianna, which means we should be on elimination-watch for her today.

Kacey decides she wants to see her male model from last week again, so she takes it upon herself to organize a barbecue and invite the guys over. Wait. The models organizing get-togethers? Man-meat in the model house? This is all so ... confusing.


Speaking of confused: Once the male models come over, there is simply too much brainpower for one house to hold. The girls sit in awkward silence next to them like nerds on the bleachers at a high school dance. How are these people supposed to look romantic and sexy together on film, and yet they can't even hold a real conversation together?

Of course, the exception is Kacey, who talks in her "sexy 1-800-COCOA voice" (Liz's words) to her crush from last week. (Kacey has a boyfriend back home. I think I'm supposed to find her flirting with this other guy scandalous, but I don't. Get me to the Nigel!)

Then, a reprieve: Tyra Mail!
"Tomorrow your world will be turned upside down."
I love the stupid ideas the girls always have about what the clues could mean. This week's gem comes from Lexie: "What if they're literally picking up our house and turning it upside down?" (And then, what if they bury it into the center of the earth? And we end up in Hell? And Satan is our male model?!)

There's only one word to describe this week's challenge: ROLLERCOASTER FACE! (Oh, you're right. That's two words.)

If I had to choose two more words to describe it, they would probably be "TOO PRETTY."


lexierc2.jpgSO PRETTY.

rhiannarc2.jpgTOOOOO PRETTY!!!!

(... Sarcasm.) Wait, I forgot one:

missj-whut-ep4.jpgTHE PRETTIEST

During the challenge, Nigel says the words we all long to hear him say to us: "Strap her in, let's do this." Unfortunately, he's talking about Chris, who cries her way through the ride.

Liz wins the challenge, the opportunity to watch Tyra eat a whole loaf of carrot cake, and look like a drag queen. A very convincing and beautiful drag queen ... but a drag queen nonetheless. Liz is beautiful, so I blame the wig. It doesn't help that Tyra directs her to pose like a "little bad boy."

liz-draggy.jpgMeanwhile, back at the model ranch ...
Lexie is bitching about cleaning up after everyone, especially Kacey. She's at the "breaking point." UH OH. So Lexie tells Kacey she doesn't like her, and then says that no one else likes her, either. Shockingly, the other girls own up and tell Kacey they're with Lexie when she goes down the line one by one (!) and says, "Do you like me? Yes or no?" The answers are no. Maybe it's her confrontational attitude. Or her angry ultimatum approach to criticism. Or her terrible barbecues. Who knows!

Kacey takes it in stride: "The girls are trippin'. They suck." Fair enough.

No time for drama. It's time for ... Tyra Mail!
"True beauty lives just under the surface."

At least this time they get that it's about water, not pimples.

Photo Shoot: Part of Your Wooooorld ...
The girls pose as "undersea goddesses" with a variety of slimy sea creatures for fashion photographer Matthew Rolston. Chris: "If you don't know who he is, you stupid." After Rolston personally evaluates each of their faces from their too-big foreheads down to their too-thin lips, it's time to GET THEIR SQUIDS ON!

chris-seamonster.jpgOh, there's my pretty.

Rolston is a meticulous, hands-on and dedicated photographer, which is helpful, because these girls need serious guidance. Everyone seems to do quite well, or at least get one decent shot under his tutelage. On the bubble are Chelsey, who way out-drags Liz from yesterday, Liz, who out-complains herself week after week, and Rhianna, who looks lovely but seems to use the photo shoot time to take a quick nap. Or so her eyes suggest.

Liz gets on Jay's last nerve with her complaints about her contacts, and he gets out his deliciously bitchy side: "She might be the challenge winner this week, but in my opinion, she could have taken that roller coaster all the way home." Ohhhhh, girl! That doesn't really make sense (rollercoasters go in loops and don't really take you anywhere) but I appreciate the sentiment.

Judging Panel
Tyra's hair keeps getting bigger. By the end of the season she will be in one of those full-body hair suits we saw last season.

tyrahair-gettingbigger2.jpgSome highlights from panel:

kayla-sexyariel.jpgTyra to Kayla: "You look like sexy Ariel ... or a country singer."

esther-liztaylor.jpgALT to Esther: "The lips, I want to eat them for breakfast."

59263.jpgTyra to Chelsey: "You look like an amateur drag queen. Like you didn't win RuPaul's Drag Race. You got eliminated early." (DAAAAMN.)

See all the final photos. They are, like, ten million times better than last week's. On the one hand: Good job, ladies! But on the other hand: Boring job, Meghan! Here they are:

Ann gets best photo for the THIRD WEEK IN A ROW. Yes, hers was nice, but REALLY? That is ridiculous. I love Ann, but actually think Esther's and Chris's were better. And now the other girls are really going to be out for her blood.

ann-bestphoto.jpgTARGET ON HER (GIANT) BACK

Runner-up: Kacey. The outcast prevails!

Bottom Two: Rhianna and Liz. Oh no! Will it be Ms. Crazy or Ms. Complainer who gets the boot?

rhianna-flowerchild.jpgEliminated: Rhianna


Not because she was my favorite model. Because I feel like we were robbed of weeks worth of Rhianna's weirdness. SHE TAKES HER INSPIRATION FROM TUMBLEWEEDS. That really should have gotten explored more. She was one of the oddball reasons I was so excited for this season. And now, like the wind that fills her aura, she is gone. Summer BUMMER.

What did you think of tonight's episode? Favorite photos? Did Rhianna deserve to go? Check back tomorrow for my photo rankings and an interview with Rhianna. Have any questions for her? Stick those down there in the comments, too!

(Images courtesy of the CW)