On "Fab Bus," the two teams answered important "modeling industry" questions that everyone needs to know in order to be successful in the field. Definitely NOT useless questions about a megalomaniac that literally anyone could have found out from a Wikipedia page:
Anyway, (too) long story short (even though it was pretty short as-is), at first the Red team was ahead, but then Brenda was born, so they lost. The Blue team (Go Union! Down with the Confederacy!) won the day, so the Blue(fly) team headed down to BLUUUUUEFLY.COM for their go-see.
There, we learned what physicists call "The Angelea Equation":
The Bluefly brunettes spent some time judging Raina, Krista, Simone, Jessica, Alexandra and the aforementioned
"interesting" Angelea, and deemed Simone the winner of their FIERCE MEGA PRIZE. And she was all like:
"Yaaaaaaaaay ... "
"Yaaaaaay" is right, Simone! I hope your $2500 gift card for discounted designer clothes makes up to your parents the fact that you ditched out on $25,000 in tuition at college to be on a reality TV show and shaved half of your head. Choices! Sometimes they're too
easy, you know?
Meanwhile: the losers of the "Fab Bus" had to do (dun dun DUUUUUN...) inventory
(nooooo!) with the less attractive employees at Bluefly.com (a.k.a. "the writers," a.k.a. "my people").
And Ren was like, "Is my sanity and happiness worth all of this?" And we were all like, "No! Please go away and save all our brains from your yammering on!" But it turns out that the only reason Ren even decided to be ON this show is so her mom would pay attention to her and love her, which is tragic in so many ways that I don't even want to get into it. So let's move on to ...The Photo Shoot:
Jay and the models talked about "inspiration" while a random guy worked out his groin kinks in the background, because flexible man-thighs in tights are clearly Jay Manuel's favorite source of inspiration:
But then it turned out that the stretching guy was there to show different genres of dance to the models, who would each need to pose with one genre as her "inspiration," so things scaled back from "MEGA FIERCE(LY CREEPY)" to "fiercely low-budget, unplanned and awkward." And we're used to that.
Each model received a type of dance that made everyone look at their calendars and exclaim, "Oh, I can't believe I forgot ... it's OPPOSITE DAY!" Which led to varying levels of visual bizarreness, as well as humorous descriptive subtitles that the girls would never, ever see again in this life or the next:
After seeing her first two photo shoots (and after meeting her and hearing the crazy stuff that her brain comes up with and decides are "thoughts") everyone expected Alasia to fail, but she interpreted the SH*T out of "interpretative dance," and got an A+++ from Jay Manuel for doing a lot of motions like this, sometimes on a trampoline:
PRAISE BE TO TYRA!
And, at this point, I decided that a GREAT reality show could be made out of competitive interpretive dance, because that's a great oxymoron if ever I heard one, and also, haha, what is this
, even? Drama:
At some point before or after the photo shoot (who knows/cares?) Brenda put on her mom jeans and told her roommates they needed to have lights out in 30 minutes.
So Krista was like, "Listen here, Geppetto ... " (Literally, she said that, and at that moment we became FRIENDS!) and then some of the other girls sat around and talked about how ugly Brenda was behind her back:
Which wasn't even an insult
. It was just a friendly comparison
At which point, Ren "So Sick of the Drama" Whatever-Her-Last-Name-Is ran downstairs and told Brenda everything (a.k.a. "tattletaled," a.k.a. CREATED MORE DRAMA):
OH NO SHE DIDN'T!
At which point, Brenda was like, "Then Alexandra can go tell Tyra that the makeover she gave me makes me look like STUPID UGLY MIRANDA!"
And Miranda texted Carrie, and was like:
And then Anslee and Brenda got in a fight because neither of them can possibly conceive of a scenario in which they might be wrong. You know how MOMS
can get! (Seriously, they're both moms? Hiiii, kids! Hope you've started weaving, because Mommy's Mother's Day lanyard should be extra
-special this year!)Elimination:
Alasia showed up wearing a silver swimsuit. No, I wasn't kidding:
The dancing photo shoot was a big fat "MEH," which made for a rather boring judging panel discussion. Everyone did okay. (For more of this type of IN-DEPTH ANALYSIS, check back for my actual Photo Shoot Performance Rankings tomorrow. Seriously.) The judges were mostly pleased in general, but only one girl wowed them:
INTERPRET THIS, BITCHES!
went from the butt of our jokes
to the best photo winner. Good job, Alasia! ANGELEA
was her runner-up for her deft portrayal of a mosher as "pained."
Then it came down to the bottom two: REN
Before the commercial break, Tyra asked Ren, "Do you want to stay or go?" and Ren said, "I want to stay." But now, after the commercial break, when she's about to be eliminated anyway, Ren decides it's better to quit than get fired, so she says, "I'm here for the wrong reasons, I'm doing it for my mom because she loves this show [ed. note: Hi, Ren's Mom! You must be so proud, etc.]
so I think I'll just leave now. K thx bai."
But Tyra gets the last laugh by revealing that she was holding Brenda's picture anyway, so this was a mutual break-up between Ren and the show.
And, guess what! SURPRISE BONUS: Tyra heard that Brenda's haircut makes her look like that stain on the nation's TV screens, that insult to the word "beauty," that offense to all eyes that look upon her--otherwise known as successful red-headed actress Cynthia Nixon--
so very soon Brenda's "doorbell will be ringing, and another transformation is going to take place!"
As she leaves the Top Model house, Ren says she's happy, because now her mother will "actually finally shut up about how I never do anything good." Yeah, you showed her! Shut UP, Mom! I LOVE you, Mom!Next Week:
The models are going to pose as vampires, because of freaking course
they are going to pose as vampires. This is America, and America = vampires, Justin Bieber and Jersey Shore
. (Read The Constitution. It's in there.) And those last two would put this show waaaay over budget. So ... vampires!