America's Got Talent
is back and, if you take a look at our image right here, that also means that The Hoff is back (and this time he's not on the ground trying to eat a cheesburger). Brandy is gone and in her stead comes Sharon Osbourne, who will often speak at pitches only dogs can hear. This should be a whole lot of fun. If we can get one contestant as good as Bobby Badfingers, this will be a good season. What follows are my live thoughts while watching the episode.
Apparently, after America's Got Talent became popular in America, the show went on to go global.
Jerry Springer, it's good to have you back, sir.
You have to like the gall of this show: the preview for the season has “Carmina Burana” playing in the background.
Wow, I guess we've got a whopping four weeks of auditions before we go to
Springer announces Hasselhoff as one of our "greatest entertainment legends" amid footage of Knight Rider and The Hoff singing on the Berlin Wall.
Piers Morgan. Like Simon Cowell, but not.
Okay, I won't give you any more quotes...we'll just say Springer and the gang are prone to hyperbole.
Our first auditions are coming from Dallas.
Here's how we're going to do this. I'm going to try and cover every audition. Good luck to me.
Tony, a silky voiced, 46 year old black man, is up first. He's singing the Barry White version of The Pussycat Dolls "Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend was Hot Like Me". Fairly high concept, but pretty terrible. Once he gets to the chorus, he rips off a robe, and goes bare-chested. He gets X-ed off the stage.
Hasselhoff is sporting about four buttons worth of man cleavage tonight. Good stuff.
The Duttons(sp?) is a huge family country band. I think I count ten members, but it might be more. It's all banjo and fiddle no singing and pretty lame if you ask me. There's a lot of solos and "Dueling Banjos" is thrown in for good measure. Piers buzzes them at the tail end.
This is sure to be a fan favorite. I just can't deal with the inherent punch-me-in-the-face cuteness of family bands. Hoff and Sharon love them, but Piers didn't like the kids at the end.
They're going to Vegas.
Oh, it's our first Elvis impersonator. The crowd starts booing the second he gets on stage. All three judges buzz him before he starts singing. After Springer interjects, they give him a chance to sing. He sings a couple bars, and they buzz him again. Probably a good decision.
Megan Miller, good-looking 18-year old from Texas, is up next. She brings out two hand puppets. Yep, she's a ventriloquist.
She's pretty good at the ventriloquism, but she sings Supercalifragilisticexpealidocious, and it is horribly annoying. Piers agrees with me. Hoff and Sharon do not, so she's heading to Vegas.
We've got a lot of Bianca Ryan wannabes trying out this year (i.e. tiny little girls singing). Erica Marks is the first to go. Piers buzzes her immediately, but she's pretty good for her age, but I find it really creepy. Bianca Ryan creeped me out too. Piers bashes this little girl, verbally rips her to pieces. Two judges vote no.
A bus driver, who looks like a fat Mr. Clean and goes by the moniker Mr. Bill, comes out to sing. He's got a nice enough voice, but he sings a boring song. I'm not sure why they're showing him at all.
Hoff votes no, Sharon yes, and Piers says no.
We get a montage set to sad music of people going home. A lot of tears.
It was a dude dressed up in a huge four-pronged slinky costume. They buzz him off, but it was pretty awesome.
A gypsy couple decides to compete against each other rather than with each other.
The gypsy woman comes out with a violin that she plays poorly.
She is buzzed off.
The husband comes on and plays some kick ass classical guitar. Piers buzzes him, but that dude can play.
Piers decides that they need to be more brutal to contestants, because he thinks too much mediocrity is getting through. So, we get a montage of Piers talking smack to the contestants.
A little 9 year old girl named Breeze comes out to do a cheerleading routine. It's like the dance routine from Little Miss Sunshine, only a little bit less inappropriate. Piers talks about her mom and how the girl is only here because the mom wants a million dollars.
And it all gets pretty weird after that. Sharon Osbourne flips the hell out and storms off stage, presumably because Piers has been mean. He hasn't, really. Anyway, this is the drama of the evening. After the break, we'll see Piers talk Sharon into coming back.
Piers and Sharon come back onto stage. The Hoff has been holding court, and quite well I might add.
Breeze took a lot of our time.
A three girl trio called "Souther Girl". They are singers. A standing ovation, but they weren't all that impressive. They sing about one bar of harmony, the rest is unison. Judges like them, so they're headed to Vegas.
The Yo-Yo people get booted.
It's a montage of relatively amusing misfits.
Tom Zamke is straight out of the 70s. He's a 50 year old version of Disco Stu. He says he can dance and sing. The only explanation for what he just did on stage: this dude has dropped a lot of acid in his day. He claims that he was better than Travolta.
The next girl, Fallon, is a singer-songwriter who grew up with palsy but now plays the guitar. She comes out and plays/sings what I believe is a Jewel song. She's not very good. She yells while singing. The crowd loves it for some reason. So do the judges. Maybe I shouldn't have roofied myself. I'm not hearing the same thing as the judges.
Brandon comes out shirtless with a red mohawk. He's an aerialist. He hangs from a cloth above the stage and does Cirque de Soleil stuff. It's okay. The judges aren't very big fans.
Sam, a middle aged black man, is a singer/performer. He's singing Stevie Wonder's "I Wish" with the help of a keyboard. He's quite terrible. Nice guy, though.
The "Jabberwockeez" are up next. A hip-hop dancing group of about ten dudes, wearing the same clothes and masks. Cool stuff. Hard to explain, but pretty cool. They're heading to Vegas.
The next act is a "dog act". A father/daughter come on stage with a barrel full of pound rescued dogs. It's a bunch of chaos. The dogs do some tricks that wouldn't be impressive individually. The dogs are not heading to Vegas.
Three kids in matching ugly suits want to be a singing trio. They call themselves The Rascals. I believe that name is taken. They sing "Shout". Really good, actually. Their harmonies are solid. The Hoff and Piers say yes, so they're through.
A father and son come out on stage in matching unitards. I really didn't want to watch anymore, but it's my job, so I did. Surprisingly, they were good. It's another one of those Cirque de Soleil things.
Two flabby shirtless brothers come on to do rhythmic pectoral thrusts. I'm scarred for life.
A dorky white dude comes out and plays a little "Pick Up the Pieces" on the saxophone to end the show. He's good and he'll be going to Vegas.
So, that was the episode. A long, two hour affair, but it was fun.
-Oscar Dahl, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image Courtesy of ModernFads.com)