After hundreds of auditions, dozens of hyperbolic remarks from the Hoff, a handful of treacly ballads from Kaitlyn Maher, and one rendition of a song named after George Clooney, the season finale of America's Got Talent
is finally here. This entire episode could likely be condensed to a one-minute YouTube clip that shows the winner being crowned, but this wouldn't be America's Got Talent
without tons of delicious filler. Tonight's hour-long extravaganza will show us some highlights and lowlights from the past season, and will cap things off with Jerry Springer
revealing who wins one million dollars and their own Las Vegas show.
I'll be updating with my live thoughts throughout tonight's episode, so keep refreshing the page for updates. I'll gladly suffer through the filler so you don't have to, all while wearing my bedazzled Eli Mattson t-shirt.
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I'm sad that this is the last time I'll hear the voice of the bombastic AGT
announcer, at least until next season. I'll miss the way he yells at me and tries to force me to enjoy his show. After Jerry Springer introduces the final five and Captain Hoffgasm spews some enthusiastic comments about them, Jerry reveals that the America's Got Talent
top 10 will be performing together on stage for the first time!
The top 10 acts take the stage and, I swear to the Hoff's favorite cheeseburger, start singing Kelly Clarkson's "A Moment Like This." I can't even convey how cheesy and awful this is. Imagine a cheese wheel the size of Manhattan and you'll have some idea what this performance is like. It also begins and ends with warbling from Kaitlyn Maher, which is like a knife right to my lower intestine. My misery knows no bounds.
Jerry introduces Leona Lewis after the commercial break, who takes the stage to sing her new single, "Better in Time." I just realized that 1) I've never actually seen Leona Lewis, despite singing along to "Bleeding Love" while driving in my car at least 300 times, and 2) This song is no "Bleeding Love." At least Leona is gorgeous, so the performance isn't a total waste of time.
The next segment shows the most famous fans of the top five congratulating them via video. Andrew Lloyd Webber heaps praise on Donald Braswell, Bryan McKnight loves Queen Emily, Wyclef Jean returns from seclusion to pimp Nuttin But Stringz, and Il Divo congratulates Neal E. Boyd. Unfortunately, Elton John wasn't available for Eli Mattson, so he gets Marc Cohn, aka the guy who sings that hideous "Walking in Memphis" song. Talk about getting the short end of the stick.
Have you ever longed to hear Queen's amazing song "Don't Stop Me Now" sung by a bunch of talentless freaks? If so, AGT
has a treat for you! All of the most memorably awful acts from the audition rounds return to massacre the tune, including fake Ozzy Osbourne. Unfortunately, I can't hear the end of the song, because all I can hear is Freddie Mercury spinning in his grave. I'm officially burned out on filler, and sadly the show still has a half hour to go. Dammit, where's my vodka?
On a side note, when will NBC stop trying to make Lipstick Jungle
happen? Just give it up already.
After a montage of the best and worst acts from the audition rounds, Jerry reveals that Queen Emily received the lowest number of votes and is out of the competition. After another montage and a commercial break, Donald Braswell is the next to go. It's time to sing the "Montage" song from Team America: World Police
, because of course another one follows Donald's exit.
In the first shocker of the evening, Jerry reveals that Nuttin' But Stringz are out of the competition in third place. That leaves us with Eli Mattson and Neal E. Boyd. Piers Morgan
may claim that Neal isn't a ringer
, but I'll be awfully suspicious if he wins the competition over Eli and the Stringz.
There are 10 minutes left and only two competitors remaining, so it's time for some filler. Jerry wastes away the minutes by showing Neal and Eli's greatest moments, and then asks them how they'll feel if they win the grand prize. Eli wins me over once more by admitting how nervous he is on stage. If he doesn't win, I'm immediately planning to streak through the streets in protest while singing "Against All Odds" by Phil Collins.
Jerry claims that there was less than one half of one percent between the final votes. The winner of America's Got Talent
season 3 is. . .NEAL E. BOYD!
Excuse me for a moment, I have some streaking to do. The man that was rumored to be a ringer ran away with the entire competition. Is that a coincidence, or were my hopes just crushed by a massive conspiracy? Argh! Argh, I say! Arrrrrrgh!
That's it for this season of America's Got Talent
, and that's also it for my sanity. It's time for me to down so much gin that I forget that Kaitlyn Maher and ZOOperstars ever existed. Check BuddyTV tomorrow for my countdown of the five most bizarre performances this season, and feel free to chime in with your own suggestions below.
- Don Williams, BuddyTV Staff Writer
(Image courtesy of NBC)