It is with a heavy heart and snarky pen that season 9 of American Idol draws to a close for this advice columnist. Sure, it may not have been a barn burner in terms of performance, but it has been a gold mine for advice givers.
But season 9 isn't over yet, and the Top 3 still need my advice as much as ever, so I present to you the penultimate Dear Abbey of season 9.
I may have been the most consistent contestant all season, but I'm still a girl with dreadlocks. What can I do to guarantee that the Ladies who Love Lee and Casey's Cougars don't vote me out before my deserved time to shine? - Crystal Bowersox
Dear "Year of the Ladies" Last Hope,
I'm not a religious person myself, but may I suggest the power of prayer? Because seriously, you're stuck between two likable dudes who are easy on the eyes and God knows American Idol
fans love a guy with an acoustic guitar. Consistent and talented and wonderful as you are, you have every reason to be nervous.
As for what to pray for, I'd suggest sending the following wishes to your deity of choice: a massive power cell-phone outage in Chicago, a last minute song change to another Frank Sinatra tune for Casey James and new ears for the judges so they finally hear Lee's consistent pitch problems. Other than that, keep your fingers, toes and dreads crossed -- and best of luck.
Hoping it is Your Year
I'm starting to feel a front-runner backlash and I'm worried it may keep me from the finale. What can I do? - Lee Dewyze
Dear Chosen One,
I hate to say it, Lee, but this is completely out of your control. All you can do is hope that if you do struggle to stay in tune, the judges will point it out with the same harshness they've doled out to every other contestant. It seems the judges critique you on how grand you're going to sound in the studio rather than the reality of how you sometimes sound on stage. That's not your fault. Blame it on your radio-ready growl and the fact you're the only one who'll ever possibly sell out an arena ... which are great problems to have. But, when it comes down to audience backlash at this point in the competition, it is indeed a problem.
Don't Worry That Pretty Little Goatee, You're Finale Bound Dear Abbey,
FOX is already preparing the Lee vs. Crystal finale footage. Seacrest and Randy said I'm only getting votes for my looks. I'm still standing here, but it's as if I'm invisible. Everyone, and I mean everyone, assumes I'll be gone come Wednesday night. Is there anything I can do to guarantee I'll be back on stage next Tuesday? -- Casey James
Dear Season 9 Third Place Finisher, Casey James,
Sigh. No final loving P.S. for your favorite advice columnist? Your Dear Abbey who has steered you clear from poodle hair and near certain elimination before? Even though this is likely the last time we'll ever talk? So sad.
Because, let's be frank, this probably is the last time we'll talk or that you'll perform as a contender on that big Idol
stage. Even if you went shirtless (or pants less) tonight, the likelihood of you surpassing either Crystal or Lee in the votes is about as likely as Ryan Seacrest playing in the NBA.
So, instead of offering you snarky advice to go naked, which I wouldn't mind AT. ALL. I'm going to give you some honest advice from my Casey James lovin' heart. Go out there and do your thing. Not Idol
's thing. Not the cougar-appeasing thing. Go out there and show the country why you're in the Top 3, and whatever the haters (see: Seacrest and Randy) say, that's not because you are easy on the eyes. It's because you're arguably the best musician Idol
has ever seen and you have a long and fruitful career ahead of you whether or not you're one of the last two standing.
Though performing shirtless would be one hell of a Hail Mary ...
Don't You Dare Wear Your Hair All Poofy Either
If you liked Dear Abbey's advice to the Top 3, I'm sure you'll love her song suggestions for the Top 3 too: