If anyone needs advice, it's this crop of American Idol finalists. Luckily, they have me, their Dear Abbey. All season long, I'll be answering fictional questions from American Idol contestants with real snarky advice.

This week I offer advice to a queasy America, a disinterested Simon Cowell and a betrayed MamaSox.

Dear Abbey,

How do I keep from vomiting from the sheer force of cheese during this week's Inspirational American Idol?  - America

Dear Devoted Portion of America who is still watching Season 9 of American Idol instead of Dancing With Kate Gosselin,

May I suggest* a drinking game? The rules are simple: A shot every time that Simon looks completely disinterested. A sip every time that Ryan Seacrest makes you feel physically uncomfortable. An entire bottle of wine if Kara cries. You'll still be throwing up by the end of the episode, but it will be for a completely different reason. That reason is called alcohol poisoning.

Sincerely,
Don't Do This, I Love My Readers and Don't Want You in the Hospital

* And by suggest I mean this is totally satire, don't you dare do that.

Dear Abbey,

I can't even fake it anymore. I've checked out of American Idol the same way a senior does high school in May. Add Tim Urban to the equation and I am SO over American Idol. What can I do to bide my time until the May finale? - Simon Cowell

Dear He Whose Snark I Bow Down To,

I can hardly blame you. I mean, the ratings tell the story ... we've all kind of checked out of American Idol. But,  I do have one suggestion. Remember that you get paid $45 million per episode. PER EPISODE. That's about 45 times more than this cheeky columnist will make in her entire life. HER ENTIRE LIFE. (I'm sorry, am I shouting Simon?) If you can't fake it for $45 mill, Ryan Seacrest has every reason to be strangely furious with you.

As for what you can do to bide your time until the May finale? I suggest practicing your surprise face so you can give it sarcastically when Crystal Bowersox is crowned the winner of season 9. You have some big shoes to fill after last year's award winning OMG face:


Sincerely,
Your Sister in Snark, Dear Abbey

Dear Abbey,

In a moment of stress and doubt, I quipped that I didn't see the point of being on American Idol. I saw the error of my ways and continued, but now I've been sold out to the press by Ryan Seacrest and Katelyn Epperly. I feel betrayed. How do I get over this hurt?  - Crystal Bowersox

Dear Misunderstood MamaSox,

First: remember that Katelyn Epperly is back working a day job and playing gigs at coffee shops in glamorous Des Moines, Iowa and you are being voted for by millions of people.

Secondly: remember that Ryan Seacrest has to listen to the same 40 songs over and over and over again on his morning radio show, all while talking to Heidi Montag and pretending that Justin Bieber is the next Elvis. 

Lastly: Do what you came there to do in the first place - win the whole stinking thing.

Just following one of those steps should ease the feeling of betrayal. Do all three and you should be happier than someone whose "I Need A Miracle" sign worked in a Phish parking lot. I'm pretty sure you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.

Sincerely,
Team Bowersox and Phish Summer Tour Alumna, Dear Abbey
 

If you liked Dear Abbey's advice for these fictional questions, you might also be interested in her inspiring song choices for the Top 7 contestants this week: