This results recap is dedicated to the women's rights movement, because while it seems under fire from roughly half of political America, the exact opposite is true on American Idol
(And also I got tired of titling it "A Guy Goes Home -- Part V). Haven't had a girl win the thing in nearly half a decade? Eureka! Just stack the deck so ONLY a female can win. Problem solved!
Or is it? Much like the systemic anomaly that is Neo in The Matrix
, season 12 of Idol
brought us Lazaro Arbos -- he of horrible fashion sense, lovable stuttering backstory and ever-depleting voice. Mr. Ricki Ricardo, as Nicki Minaj so annoying dubbed him, is the one thing preventing the elusive glass-ceiling-shattered all-chick top 5, after all the other guys were methodically picked off, one by one.
And while Laz deserves to be eliminated purely on his greenish-vomity-patterned suit from Wednesday night (and a duck hunting outfit that can best be described as what a stereotypical gay man in Manhattan dreams everyone wears when they go duck hunting), he backed it up with one of the worst performances of the season AND a so-so performance that followed.
Every one of us watching, even Lazaro himself, knows it's time for him to go. You would never think that making the top 6 on American Idol could break someone's spirit, but that's exactly what's happened to this poor kid. He wasn't as good as the other singers, but they kept getting eliminated before him, so no one really wants to be his friend. Worse than that, he has to perform every week, usually twice, and then hear over and over again how much he sucks.
He turned in a good performance last week and landed in the top 3. So what will happen after he has a bad night? Is this the week? Does it finally come to an end? Does American finally (not) vote this kid out of his misery? My prediction is yes, but it wouldn't be at all surprising if he ended up near the top.
The easy choices for the bottom 3 are Lazaro, Janelle Arthur and Amber Holcomb. If Laz isn't there, it would have to be Kree Harrison or Angie Miller, because Candice is without question safe after she turned in the best performance of the season with her rendition of The Cure's "Love Song" (complete with demonic background chant midway through). I don't know if it helps or hurts her that immediately after her performance, Mariah Carey answered P!nk's age- old questioned by throwing a fistful of glitter in the air. I hope she brings Tootsie Roll Pops tonight. And a wise old owl.
The previous Idol train continues to roll though town, with superstar and original American Idol Kelly Clarkson stopping by show why this contest is remains relevant after just over a decade. And she'll be joined by season 10 winner Scotty McCreery, a rising country star in his own right (even with that whole falling off the stage issue). After the Carrie Underwood-Casey James pairing last week, I have to say that this one fits much better, as in it's the first time we could be seeing a legitimate opening act. Scotty is good enough that he could tour with Kelly, but nowhere near close enough for anyone to be afraid he'd overshadow her.
The show hasn't stuck to a results format yet, so who knows what's coming. But strap on your helmet, buckle your seat belt and hunker down on your couch for what could be a bumpy ride. Tune in for the results, stick around for the filler! Because the filler comes first.. It's Lazaro or no one, so let's find out if the judges will use their save. And don't forget, keep the comments coming at the bottom of the page!
A Bacharach/David Medley
Ryan Seacrest says that with the save still in play, the stakes are higher than ever. But in fact, with the save out there, the stakes are lower than ever. We're kicking things off with a group number of the bad half of Wednesday's show. It's a medley of Burt Bacharach/Hal David hits, and it's really astounding how many recognizable songs this duo wrote. Recognizable for my generation, that is. Not for these kids.
Everyone gets their own solo, and Angie shines after Janelle struggles a bit. But then Lazaro overshadows everyone by literally not knowing a single word of the song he sings. Like, not one. For real. Amber and Candice cap it off with a jumbled mess of a duet that lacks a single discernible syllable. What the hell are we watching? I will admit, though, the two of them sound pretty good just grunting and making noises together. It sounds like Snow's "Informer." What a damn train wreck that was. So naturally the judges give a standing ovation. Then we cut right to commercial so no one has to talk after that monstrosity.
The Ford Fiesta Mission Shootout
I really thought these Ford missions were going to be an Idol Gives Back sort of thing, but this week they drive around in Ford Fiestas and push a large soccer ball into a large soccer net. Green Team beats the Red Team, 2-1. Who the F cares? Even in the slightest.
Jimmy Iovine Recaps the Night
At least for last week's top 3. I guess they're trying to break up his insane rants this time around. Goodie. He thought Kree, as usual, turned in a great vocal performance. But if she wants to win, she has to give us a lot more personality. Angie did a competent job, but it wasn't enough to win the night. Not fair if he's comparing her to Candice's song, but "competent" seems a bit unjust.
He says it's important to mention that Lazaro has done a great job for someone who basically has no talent. He calls the first performance an "ambien milkshake" and adds that while Laz had a chance to redeem himself with "Angels," he didn't. Lazaro looks like he's about to cry while he indignantly laughs and calls Jimmy's comments funny. Then he explains that when things are funny, he laughs.
Next, Ryan says we're going to make pairs tonight. Yaay! I love pairs. Especially in ice dancing. It's so much better than solo ice dancing. This is one of the few formats we haven't tried yet, and my hopes are not high. Ryan separates last week's top 3 by making them stand at different parts of the stage, then cuts to commercial and says we'll find out something, maybe, but probably not after Scotty McCreery performs.
Kevin Bacon in the house!!! Love
Murderville The Following!
Welcome Back, Scotty
It's still pretty amazing how Scotty went from locking the doors and turning the lights down low to American Idol to ACM new artist of the year. He's on his first headlining tour, making his second album and going to college at NC State. Full plate, but he still seems pretty down to earth.
Scotty is singing his newest hit, "See You Tonight," and he has such an ease that you'd never guess would've developed so well for someone his age, especially after the first few weeks of season 10. It sounds great, but still ... anyone else a bit bored? Maybe I'm just tired. Or maybe he's singing "I just gotta see you tonight" to a pillow.
We Get to Pick Future Themes? We Also Pick Results
The finalists are breakup songs, one-hit wonders, dedicated to someone special, guilty pleasures or unplugged. I didn't even realize they were doing this. I guess breakup songs? Good chance to show emotion.
But who did we chose last night? So far, we've separated last week's top 3, now we're pairing them with the remaining three singers.
Janelle is up first, and Jimmy says she has done a great jobs of interpreting songs in the past, but this time she sang literal interpretations that just didn't work. That, of course, is exactly what I said. Well played, Jimmy. Janelle is paired up with Angie, and she emits a little "Yes!" as she heads over to that part of the stage.
Jimmy thinks Candice was the clear winner of the night and is leading overall. She's got more than a great voice and has a great sense of what she should sing. Candice joins Kree, which means Amber is paired up with Lazaro. That was my bottom two prediction last night, though admittedly I wasn't thinking about Janelle at the time.
Jimmy thinks Amber is the total package, and he has no idea why America doesn't get her. She is everything he looks for in a recording artist, and he advises her to just keep doing what she's doing. It will be a shock if the Amber-Lazaro group is NOT the bottom two, but we'll find out after Miss Independent (who got engaged last December).
Kelly Clarkson Proves She's the Best Idol
Ever. But since all the performances are from former contestants, I wonder why Bon Jovi went first during the Top 10. I joked at the time that the only reason they dropped a new album was summed up by the single they performed, called "Because We Can." So maybe that's why they were on Idol. Just because they could. At least they got it in before Sambora quit.
Anyway, Kelly is singing her new single, "People Like Us" from her "Greatest Hits: Chapter One" album. It's a blacklight bonanza, and everyone's got glow sticks. She's come such a long way since that first audition, and we'll probably never have another Idol like her. Voice is just phenomenal. If you've never seen the clip of her getting invited up on stage at a random concert she's attending, beer in hand, and destroying the lead singer, you should look it up on YouTube. Good stuff.
AND she's still in awe of Mariah, which is kind of cute. The two of the apparently tweeted back and forth last night, and Mariah responded "You're always #pow." Jeez, Mariah, this is NOT catching on! It's not even creative. At least she didn't throw glitter at Kelly. Because as I said last night #GlitterNeverWashesOff.
Finally, the Results!
Does anyone else think it'd be hilarious if Lazaro forgot the words to his save song? It's not like he really needs to sing it. Amber won't have to sing either, because they'll just save her.
The top 2 are Kree Harrison and Candice Glover
Lazaro Arbos and Amber Holcomb are the bottom 2
Angie Miller and Janelle Arthur are the middle 2 and are safe
They're mixing it up a bit by leaving the cameras rolling during the break, but it's pretty worthless because it's just a bunch of people standing around on stage. Lazaro blows a kiss to someone, which maybe means he is singing for his life? Who knows what we're watching, other than everyone getting their makeup touched up.
Lazaro Arbos is singing for his life
Amber Holcomb is safe
Lazaro seems so relieved that it's all over, and I hope he just has fun with this last one. He's closing it out with Michael Buble's "Feelin' Good," and while it starts pitchy, he ends it with the good version of Lazaro. This is seriously the most he's smiled in weeks. Also the least sweaty he's been!
Amber is the only one crying, but Lazaro gets a nice ovation. Shockingly, the judges have decided NOT to use the save. Lazaro thanks the judges, and then gets a sneak peak at back when he was happy and the judges still liked him. It's nice to see, and always, it's nice to hear "Gone, Gone, Gone."
Which brings us at last to the moment of truth, wherein the fundamental flaw is ultimately expressed, and the anomaly revealed as both beginning and end. Lazaro's suffering is finally over, and the women's movement can officially begin. Yes, that's right. Lazaro Arbos IS the one (which is "Neo" rearranged).
We're down to our predicted all-female top 5 after five straight weeks of male eliminations. Obviously, no one is surprised by how this turned out, and now the real competition begins. I think Amber and Janelle are clearly a step behind the other three, but for the first time, performances are really going to matter. Who do you think will go home next? Are you finally excited for the competition? Tune in next week, when the top 5 sing the songs of Perry Como and Andy Williams! (Kidding, of course, and hoping Idol wakes up and let's these kids be themselves.) See you then!
You can watch American Idol every Wednesday and Thursday at 8 pm on FOX.