'American Idol' Results: How Do You Spell Relief?
'American Idol' Results: How Do You Spell Relief?
This week the contestants sang songs from the 21st century. More importantly, the judges started giving real feedback and criticism, but it seemed like they were criticizing at random. I disagreed with most of their critiques, especially because it's too little too late (this week Scotty played it safe? Now they want Lauren Alaina to go for bigger notes and songs? No one is going to say anything about James's fondness for screaming?).

I tentatively predict we'll see Stefano put out of his results-show misery (always a bridesmaid, never the bride, and by "bride" I mean the eliminated contestant). I've said it so many times before, though, and I've been wrong so many times. Maybe by now Stefano will just slip into the Top 10 of Season 11 unnoticed and keep on keepin' on. Speaking of keeping on, you go, Pia!

Watching the video package recapping last night's performances, I'm wondering why nobody is saying anything about all the creepy face-pulling that's going on during the performances? Scotty, Casey, and Stefano are all guilty, and sometimes Haley and James (but with James I am never 100% sure whether or not it's on purpose). Instead we're wasting time on the swearing and the cheek-kissing. Tonight we get Katy Perry, David Cook, and results.

News flash: Randy doesn't know who is going home tonight! Steven Tyler seems to finally be aware that he said something naughty last night.

Jacob, Stefano, Haley, and Lauren sing "Hey, Soul Sister" by Train because if there's one thing we need to be reminded of, it's that song. I hope Haley is safe tonight because I'd be sad to see her eliminated in that outfit. The same goes for Lauren, who looks worse than ever tonight (why do they keep doing this to her?). The mix was a bit off, so the girls' top harmonies came out stronger than the melody, but that doesn't matter when Lauren's hair looks like that.

Laurensfreshperm.jpgRyan hasn't promised us "shocking" results yet, so I'm wondering if Stefano may need to etch his final initial in that elimination stool tonight.

This week in the Ford Music video, the Idols lassoed some nature together so that Scotty McCreery could hilariously go kayaking. It was not my favorite.

Casey, Scotty, and James perform Coldplay's "Viva La Vida" and basically phones it in. Casey's outfit makes me wonder if the contestants are back to styling themselves. The best part, as with any group effort, was Scotty. He blended surprisingly well, and it was nice to hear him sing something that wasn't country. He can do it, y'all! It was better than "Hey, Soul Sister." Both numbers were "choreographed" by Robin Antin, founder of the Pussycat Dolls.

The contestants shoot the poop with Ryan, and discuss Jacob's "diva allegations" and Casey's new stalker. Casey and Jacob stand up first, and to my surprise, Casey is safe, and Jacob is in the bottom three. The heart wants what the heart wants.

The heart wants David Cook! Watching him perform, like many other successful Idol winners, I feel a surge of pride. We created him! Well, we didn't. At all. But I'm proud of him for doing well and not letting us down.

The contestants got a little time off "to have some fun" this week, so we had to watch them at a Dodgers game. Then we had to watch them go bowling. This was an opportunity for me to match them up as potential couples/crushes. Scotty and Lauren? No, she's obviously not into him. But there might be a Stefano/Haley connection. Then they got massages, and Scotty got a facial and a manicure because it was the most hilarious thing to do.

Lauren, James, and Stefano are called to center stage next. Apparently Matt Bellamy of Muse got in touch with James and said he did a good job, and he loved the vision. That's just what James needed to hear. Not surprisingly, Stefano is in the bottom three. Lauren and James are safe.

Haley and Scotty are last to receive their results. I think we're supposed to think it will be Scotty, because of the feedback he got, but it will be Haley, even though I thought Haley was great this week. I started out really not liking Haley, but now I really like her. Scotty is safe, Haley is in the bottom three. Ryan Seacrest even said "wow" before he revealed that Scotty is safe. BUT OF COURSE SCOTTY IS SAFE! He is Scotty!

Immediately after she sits down, Ryan calls Haley forward to tell her she is safe. So it's down to Jacob and Stefano. Poor Stefano. Seriously.

As though Stefano's heart can even take it anymore, the elimination is delayed by a performance of "E.T." by Katy Perry. I'm not totally nuts about this song, but I thought the performance was really cool. Katy Perry is the undisputed queen of the aliens and giant galactic rib cages.

queenoftheribcage.jpgKanye West made a surprise appearance, and it might have been a surprise to him, too, since he was just kicking it in a fur vest and sneakers.

We are WAY under time, so Ryan asks Jacob and Stefano some questions backstage. "How do you feel?" "You've been here before, so ..." Poor Stefano. Then later, Ryan asks the judges what THEY think. This is reminding me more and more of the time in an old pet's life when you keep taking them back to the vet for this or that thing, until finally the vet tells you it's time to put him down because he's in pain. I'm not sure if Stefano or the viewers are the old pet in this case, but you know what I mean.

Stefano is eliminated, and Jacob is safe. America breathes a sigh of relief because we, and Stefano, had time to mentally prepare for this. Ryan asks Stefano another dumb question about his feelings and Stefano is like, "GIVE ME THAT MICROPHONE ALREADY!" because he is SO relieved to not have to do any more Ford Music Videos.

Goodbye, Stefano, we will miss you, and so will that stool. Who are we gonna put there now?

(Images courtesy of FOX)

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