American Horror Story: Coven
is coming to bittersweet end, so that means no more witches, hack job spells, back stabbings, and supernatural tomfoolery. I'm extremely upset, but there's always next year, right? To mourn the end of an amazing third season of American Horror Story
, let's go over ten valuable lessons we have learned.
1. Don't Trust Your Leader
At least, be careful. Especially if they are willing to kill you in order to stay young and fresh.
2. Don't Roofy a Witch
First of all, that's just bad form. Secondly, if you are that asshole, you best be prepared to die in a horrible "car accident" because witches don't take that kind of treachery lightly.
3. Bringing People Back from the Dead is Just Asking for Trouble
When Zoe brought Kyle back from the dead, she basically unleashed Frankestein's monster into the 21st century. Kyle, whose body was a frat boy mash-up, never did get over the fact that he was reborn and lashed out in violence and scary temper tantrums. Madame LaLaurie is another example of one lady we definitely did not want walking on earth again. Lesson learned, right?
4.The Truth is Usually Right in Front of You
Poor Cordelia. Discovering that you were married to a man whose family really wants you dead must be jarring. Finding out your mother killed one of your pupils is just not okay.
5. You're Never Too Old to Find Love
The best way to spend the last years of your life is to find someone who shares the same hobbies as you, and in Fiona's case this was drinking and killing people.
6. Even the Most Devout Souls Can Be Psycho Killers
The Coven's next door neighbor, a seemingly good Christian and concerned mother, turned out to be a husband and son killer. However, Joan messed with the wrong witch-in-love. To avenge Luke's death, Nan uses her powers to force Joan into drinking an entire gallon of bleach. You go, Nan.
7. Sometimes, You Just Don't Know Your Own Strength
All of the girls initially had one signature power. Madison destroyed things when she got pissed, Queenie was a human voodoo doll, Nan was clairvoyant, and Zoe had a killer vagina. As the show progressed, we witnessed every single witch's power growing stronger. Did they have it in them the entire time or were Fiona's powers slowly being distributed amongst the supernatural clique?
8. Don't Mess With Your Sisters
They're the only ones you've got! Plus, they will thoroughly kick your ass when they come back from the dead. Burying Misty Day alive was not cool of Madison, considering she was the one who brought her back to life and everything.
9. A Threesome Never Has a Happy Ending
Haven't you ever heard the phrase, "two is company, three's a crowd"? Zoe, Madison, and Kyle haven't, apparently. Madison tried to share poor Kyle with Zoe, but Kyle ended up falling in love with Zoe (probably because she liked him first). So much for that manage a trois.
10. There's a Special Place in Hell for Everyone
Well, everyone who has murdered or tortured someone, apparently. The most deserved ending goes to Madame LaLaurie, a racist sociopath. Marie Laveau I do feel sorry for; she may have killed a bunch of babies, but she seemed like a lady I could kick it with. The biggest question is whether Fiona rests in peace or turmoil. We'll just have to see.
Tune in Wednesday Jan. 29 at 10pm on FX to catch the season finale, "The Seven Wonders."
(Image courtesy of FX, Gifs courtesy of Giphy)